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1. He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore.
2. P.S. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut.
3. He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
4. They took the TVs out of the gym and the Mini-Mart only had whole milk. 2015 wants me to be fat.
5. Text him!
2. P.S. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut.
3. He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
4. They took the TVs out of the gym and the Mini-Mart only had whole milk. 2015 wants me to be fat.
5. Text him!
Edited 2015-01-16 20:42 (UTC)
1. I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... IT’S LIKE HE KNEW.
2. His ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power.
3. Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
4. Text her!
2. His ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power.
3. Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
4. Text her!
Well it is Nightwing we're talking about here. He might have actually somehow known.
Any good pictures?
Any good pictures?
1. No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
2. Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some?
3. They don’t allow Big Belly Burger in the ER. Go figure.
4. Text her!
2. Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some?
3. They don’t allow Big Belly Burger in the ER. Go figure.
4. Text her!
1) He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away.
2) Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
3) Send your own.
2) Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
3) Send your own.
1. After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
2. Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
3. Apologies that I interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
2. Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
3. Apologies that I interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
or you could say no when Howard asks you out to drink
1. I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
2. I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
3. For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
2. I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
3. For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
1. I don't want to do anything. The words "more tequila" need to be erased from my vocabulary.
2. Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
3. $1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
2. Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
3. $1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Edited 2015-01-16 20:48 (UTC)
Well, you know what they say about that - if dollar pitchers are outlawed, then only outlaws will have dollar pitchers.
1. we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
2. when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
3. i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
2. when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
3. i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Especially since you would've been better off just asking me how to do it.
1. I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
2. You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
3. The alcohol is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
2. You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
3. The alcohol is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So long as the syntax section remains intact, I think you'll be all right.
1. Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord?
2. What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
3. I can't put those talents on a resume.
2. What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
3. I can't put those talents on a resume.
Edited 2015-01-16 20:49 (UTC)
1. See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
2. Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
3. Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
2. Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
3. Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
1. If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch then they got what was coming to them.
2. Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
3. I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession.
4. I puked off the balcony. Into the hottub. There were people in it.
5. I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a bathtub with a dead man. Yet.
6. Send one!
2. Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
3. I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession.
4. I puked off the balcony. Into the hottub. There were people in it.
5. I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a bathtub with a dead man. Yet.
6. Send one!
Edited 2015-01-16 20:53 (UTC)
I'm not afraid to fist-fight your child if I feel he is standing between me and some tacos.
Edited 2015-01-16 20:55 (UTC)
pretty sure you got the wrong number since I ain't got a kid [that he knows of] but you shouldn't let anything come between you and tacos.
1. My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
2. His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
3. Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
2. His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
3. Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
1. I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
2. The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
3. you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
2. The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
3. you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Have you tried explaining through interpretive dance?
Edited (heyyy formatting.) 2015-01-17 02:07 (UTC)
1. The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
2. What's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car?
3. It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
2. What's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car?
3. It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
1. Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
2. I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
3. you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
2. I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
3. you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
1. His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
2. I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
3. I just made my gag reflex go away.
2. I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
3. I just made my gag reflex go away.
a Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
b BECAUSE SCIENCE
c sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
d Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
e thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
b BECAUSE SCIENCE
c sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
d Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
e thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Your welcome but another night in that amazing bed would be a better way of saying thanks.
1) As long as that's not his name for his dick.
2) He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
3) Send your own.
2) He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
3) Send your own.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are.
That's...more information than I needed to know.
1. Just got an orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
2. Every single person is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
2. Every single person is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
o1. He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
o2. First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
o3. I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
o4. text her!
o2. First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
o3. I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
o4. text her!
01; eating doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when i'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
02; i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude."
03; got free coffee because i told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
04; Send your own.
02; i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude."
03; got free coffee because i told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
04; Send your own.
o1. I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
o2. I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
o3. We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
o4. text her!
o2. I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
o3. We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
o4. text her!
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