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1. she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
2. 2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
3. Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
4. TEXT HIM
2. 2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
3. Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
4. TEXT HIM
we have a lot to pack in for the last days of the year.
1. 60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
2. He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried.
i. Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
ii. 2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
iii. My ass is underappreciated
I KEEP HAVING GOOD IDEAS FOR RESPONSES. Feel free to ignore for 1!
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wolfintheherd
- 2014-12-27 09:29 (UTC) - Expand1.I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
2. I'm highly inebriated and watching Star Wars, this text was sent via the Force.
3. She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her.
2. I'm highly inebriated and watching Star Wars, this text was sent via the Force.
3. She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her.
1. I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
2. I was drunk and gave him my parents' phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire.
3. I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
4. Text him
2. I was drunk and gave him my parents' phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire.
3. I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
4. Text him
1. we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
2. Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
3. At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
2. Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
3. At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Don't tell me you girls are having love troubles again.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Edited 2014-12-26 21:15 (UTC)
i was scrolling through the post and found this and couldn't resist
enterpainment
- 2014-12-28 11:35 (UTC) - Expand1. My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
2. She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
2. She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You called me and cried until I agreed to record a rap about our lives with you.
1) Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
2) I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
3) I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
4) ( just text him already )
2) I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
3) I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
4) ( just text him already )
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know you're not gay.
i pray to the gods for a kaldur for years and THIS IS WHAT DRAWS YOU OUT
playsthepart
- 2014-12-26 21:41 (UTC) - Expand1. Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
2. so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
3. I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
2. so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
3. I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Oi. I'm supposed to be the bad influence, Shimada. It's only for a couple of hours.
i. Fantastic night. Drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama and fell from a fence.
ii. I just want you to know that we're having pizza delivered to the emergency room.
iii. He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Would it be too much to ask what toppings you chose?
1. went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
2. i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
3. theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
2. i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
3. theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
a
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
b
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
c
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
b
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
c
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
That is a mental image that I doubt I will ever forget.
1. The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
2. there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
3. girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
(or text her!)
2. there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
3. girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
(or text her!)
Maybe he thinks mutation is a demonic possession.
1. The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
2. He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
3. My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
2. He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
3. My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
1) Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
2) So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
3) I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
4) Or text her.
2) So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
3) I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
4) Or text her.
i. Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
ii. A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
iii. [text??]
1. I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
2. Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
3. That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
4. If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
2. Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
3. That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
4. If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He also tried to put his hands down my pants that night, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it wasn't a grand romantic gesture.
1. We spoke about about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love, or at the very least infatuated with the idea of him feeding me grapes.
2. You were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants "to keep warm."
3. Ah, no, we're with the healers. She lit herself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
4. ???? text him???
> relevant world info for those who care.
2. You were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants "to keep warm."
3. Ah, no, we're with the healers. She lit herself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
4. ???? text him???
> relevant world info for those who care.
i've definitely heard of far worse reasons to sleep with someone
1. i am so drunk i am having a hard time staying solid please bring a bucket
2. I have retrieved an invitation from the underworld to have dinner in some form of afterlife. I think it's a trick.
3. I am have arranged a date with an alien woman I really like a lot, but I think she's confusing 'homicidal maniac' for 'quirky.' How do I clarify without scaring her off?
4. [Five minute voicemail of nothing but screams.]
5. Or text him!
2. I have retrieved an invitation from the underworld to have dinner in some form of afterlife. I think it's a trick.
3. I am have arranged a date with an alien woman I really like a lot, but I think she's confusing 'homicidal maniac' for 'quirky.' How do I clarify without scaring her off?
4. [Five minute voicemail of nothing but screams.]
5. Or text him!
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
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