bakerstreet | (no subject)

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JEALOUSY

Everyone feels jealous at one point or another, whether it's justified or not. What's important is how we deal with it... do we discuss it, fight about it, or plan epic revenge to carry out?

- Post with your character's name/series in the subject as well as any preferences.

- Others go to RNG and roll from 1-10, then respond!

- Play it out!

1 → wandering eye.

You think your lover has been looking at other's a little too often or flirting too much in your company. You can't keep quiet any longer about it.

2 → simple life

Your friend, family, or lover has always had it so much easier and you can't help but feel a little put off.

3 → don't you forget about me

Your friend or lover has found someone new they want to spend almost all their time with and you can't help but feel a little cheated.

4 → cheated

Forget just a sneaking suspicion. You've caught your lover in the act of cheating and it's driving you nuts. You have to confront them about it.

5 → for the glory

You did all the work, or at least you feel like you did, so why do they always get all the praise?

6 → moved on

You broke up or had a falling out with someone close to you and it's killing you to see how they've seemed to let go and you're stuck standing in place.

7 → because i want you

You're jealous of any attention they get because you're secretly in love with them. Time to make it known!

8 → always the favorite

Everyone always praises them or they were clearly the favorite child or just more popular with friends. You can't help but hate it.

9 → more experience

they're more experienced, either in the bedroom or in the office. Any activity, they outshine you. Who wouldn't feel a little inferior?

10 → your choice!

Didn't see something listed? Use your own idea!

originally posted by

bottecellie

[Unknown site tag]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only | Expand All

[ Colin knows that it isn't fair to take it out on TJ. He never promised him anything, never said that he wanted anything more from him than a friend to talk to and fuck when the mood strikes. It's not TJ's fault that he's getting attached or that these days, he would rather come home and spend time with him than bring some stranger home for a quick, meaningless lay. It's Colin's fault, Colin's problem, and he knows that if he keeps this up, if he doesn't get the hell over it, he's going to lose him the same way he lost Ally.

It's not anyone's fault but his own that he doesn't know how to keep things from getting personal. He tries. God knows he tries. But he just can't do it and it's like he's some big cosmic joke, always falling for the people most out of his league.

Wanting to shrug TJ's hand off of him, Colin makes himself look at him instead. He even tries to smile, but it's a little sad, not the careless untouchable way he usually smiles, like nothing can hurt him. Right now, it feels like everything does. ]

Just got a pretty loud wake-up call, that's all. [ What starts as a head shake turns into a roll and he gestures helplessly with the guitar, rocking it in his hand and accidentally banging the case against the door jam. ] Messed me up a little. Doesn't really matter. Couple of days-- [ and a few drinks and I'll be too numb to give a shit. Maybe he is an alcoholic. At the moment, Colin doesn't care. ] I'll get over it. [ His gaze slips away, focusing on some empty space just to the left of TJ's shoulder. ] And I'll be more quiet coming in from now on, too.

[ Unknowing of the turmoil that he personally is causing, TJ thinks to shrug it off and decides just a bad mood. It happens to everyone and it's probably for the best if he doesn't push. Except, a lot of times TJ doesn't know his own boundaries when he's had enough to drink. And they're friends. And friends share things.

Or whatever.

Fact of it is, is that TJ actually cares about Colin. He tells himself it's not in any particular way, just a normal friendship kind of way, and it's a lie he's come to believe. It can't be anything more. It never will be anything more. They are the poster children for friends with benefits.

His brows furrow, watching Colin through slightly narrowed eyes—just to keep his vision steady. He lets his hand fall away, hanging limply at his side, any trace of a smile completely disappearing. A weird feeling twists hot in his gut, but he ignores it, blaming it on all the alcohol he had tonight. ]

You weren't loud coming in. What are you—a wake up call for what?

[ Some people are just meant to be alone, he thinks, wishing that it wasn’t true and knowing that it is. It’s what his whole life has been trying to tell him. It’s why he doesn’t have lasting relationships with people. Why the longest one in recent memory that isn’t a relative or the guy across the hall has been with someone who was practically paying him to investigate former lovers.

Maybe he needs to stop living in apartment buildings. Maybe that’s the problem. It’s always the person across the hall he falls for.

TJ’s hand falls off his shoulder and he glances back toward him. For an instant, his eyes settle on the marks on his neck and Colin’s mouth twists in a parody of a smile. ]

Wanting things I can’t have.

[ He lifts them up like the sight of those little bruises burn, chancing a glimpse at TJ’s eyes. It only lasts for a second, then he’s slipping inside, as quickly and as quietly as he can. Which would be a hell of a lot more effective if the guitar case didn’t catch on the doorway on the way in and rattle loud enough that he half expects another neighbor to come out to see what all the ruckus is about. ]

[ It would almost be something a little hilarious, if TJ knew the thought that crossed Colin's mind then. It's something he's often wondered and thought about himself—that he's not worth much, that no one will ever see him for who he really is ( or even if he wants anyone to see his depths that stretch just below the surface ), that maybe he's completely undeserving of being with anyone for real. So, he plays around, keeps his options open. He's been burned once, bad enough that he knows he doesn't want it to happen ever again. Everyone is kept at arm's length. It's just better that way.

Or so he likes to tell himself.

This conversation is already leaving a bad taste in his mouth and TJ isn't sure what to really do to fix that. He probably should just go back home. It's obvious that Colin doesn't want the company or to be bothered. But, there's something that's niggling just out of reach in the back, dark corner of his mind that's telling him to push, to keep going, and unroot the problem. Maybe, if he were sober, he'd leave it alone and just come bother Colin in the morning after he's had a chance to sleep everything off and come around back to himself.

But, TJ's not sober.

Half a second has him contemplating if he should ask again what's wrong or try and keep things light. Considering he prefers to not get serious unless there are definite dire straights, he opts for levity instead, blithely following Colin right inside. ]

Oh? Another hot bride? [ He smiles before letting a look of thoughtfulness cross his features. ] None of the bridesmaids struck your fancy? [ His brows raise in a teasing sort of question. ] Or groomsmen?

[ All he wants to do is get into the safety of his apartment, shut out the outside world and the reminders of all of the things he wants and can't have from it, and go to bed. At least in his dreams, he's good enough. Smart enough, successful enough, clever enough, hot enough, whatever it is that makes him enough to be wanted. It's all he's got, other than the illusion all of this fooling around with TJ's been giving him, and he wants the blissful oblivion it offers with the same desperation he wants the relief of the bottle.

But TJ's following him in, yammering on about brides and groomsmen and bridesmaids like he's so completely oblivious to Colin and his feelings that he doesn't care how much it hurts to look at him right now. And that isn't fair, Colin knows. Because TJ is oblivious. Because he doesn't mean anything to him but an easy lay when a better option isn't readily available. ]

What? [ Unable to take any more of it, he finally turns to face him, dropping the guitar by the side of the couch. The look he gives him is as bewildered as the tone of his voice. ] What are you talking about? No. [ He shakes his head once, sharply. ] I was working. Not trying to pick people up.

[ He stands there by the couch for a moment, feeling aimlessly adrift. He doesn't know what to do. Sit down? Toss TJ out? Try to be an adult for once and accept his lot in life with grace? Sighing, he runs a hand back through his hair. ]

Are you staying? Do you want a beer?

[ Unfortunately, he is completely oblivious to Colin's feelings. Mostly because he's actively choosing to not look further. If he does, then he'll notice the time they've spent together has dwindled considerably, he'll notice Colin looks at him differently, he'll notice the pauses in his speaking as if he's searching for something different to say, he'll notice everything that he doesn't want to notice. They're just friends. That's all this is. Friends with some pretty amazing benefits. ...Granted, even those have slowed considerably, too. TJ tells himself it's just because Colin's busy with his gigs and whatnot. It's nothing else, it's nothing more.

The fact that he's actually a little hurt they don't see each other as much anymore or that when he's been with someone else his mind drifts to Colin and what he might be doing or that he actually actively thinks about Colin more than he should... well, those things go ignored. Serious relationships aren't for him. He doesn't deserve them.

So, he lives in forced ignorance. It's just better this way.

TJ comes closer, watching him, wondering just what's going on here—not even really thinking everything he's forcing himself not to face and that it's just not real is actually what the problem is. Still, he smiles, rolling his eyes. ]

Like you haven't done it before.

[ He's in front of Colin now and TJ slides his hands along the lapel of Colin's jacket, gripping along the edge with just his thumb and forefinger. ]

So, do you want me to ignore just how weird you're acting or are you going to fess up and tell me what's really going on?

[ The right answer to the offer of the beer, which is the answer Colin wants to hear, is “No thanks, I’m going to head back to my place.” And maybe that’s his fault for asking a question with a wrong answer. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked in the first place. Maybe he should have said good night and ushered TJ back out the door the moment he saw him breeze on in after him.

But because he’s an idiot, he didn’t do that, and now instead of giving him the right answer, or even the wrong one of “Yeah, sure, thanks”—still preferable to the reality of what comes his way—he gets TJ moving closer to him. He gets him in his personal space. He gets him touching him, while the smell, real or imaginary, it doesn’t really matter, of nameless booty call #23518-Colin doesn’t really want to think about it, invades his nose and makes him grit his teeth against saying something unnecessarily unkind.

TJ doesn’t owe him anything, he reminds himself. It isn’t his fault that Colin’s feelings are hurt. ]

Yeah. A long fucking time ago.

[ It’s a surly, under the breath grumble, the kind of tone he uses when he doesn’t want to talk about something that makes him feel uncomfortable. Maybe TJ can talk about past conquests like they aren’t anything to get worked up over, but Colin’s trying, stupidly, vainly, to be respectful.

Though that all changes when TJ steps in front of him and gets his hands in his jacket. Weeks ago, Colin wouldn’t have minded. Now, with the evidence of TJ’s night all over his neck, he minds, enough to frown and lean back. ]

What are you doing?

[ The very second Colin leans back, TJ drops his hands. Something definitely isn't right. Colin's never pulled away from him before, not seriously. Sometimes, before, he'd attempt at playing hard to get and make TJ work a little more before getting his hands on him, but... This is something completely different. He actually looks startled, which is immediately followed up by confusion and then hurt. It's not that he wants to be hurt, but Colin's a friend. Has been a friend, regardless of whatever intimate things they do together.

And now he's pulling away from him. There's anger in his voice, a frown that TJ is reading as nothing more than disappointment and disgust. Instantly he's thrown back to a time and place he doesn't want to revisit. Something clenches tight in his chest and in his throat that makes it suddenly difficult to breathe. His stomach roils in protest of something, everything, and nothing all at once. His teeth rake over his bottom lip as his gaze drops to the floor momentarily. Once he's not looking at anything in particular, he forces himself to get back in check. Hide everything because he must.

When he looks back up at Colin, his face is carefully blank, features evened into cool compliance. ]

Could ask the same to you. Too good for me now? [ TJ scoffs, a mirthless smile curls his lips as he holds his hands up in mock surrender and backs up. ] I'm doing nothing, Colin. Nothing.

[ The last thing Colin wants to do is hurt TJ. That’s the worst part of all of this. He doesn’t want to hurt him. He wants to stupid jerk to be happy and carefree and never realize that his asshole neighbor has feelings for him that are going to ruin everything they’ve got going for themselves. He’s going to cost them both a friendship, and maybe it won’t be as much of a big deal to TJ as it is to Colin, but maybe it will be and he knows he’s going to be miserable enough when it happens. He can’t stand the thought of TJ being unhappy too.

But he is now. He can see it in his face before TJ wipes it clean of the hurt and confusion. Colin wants to kick himself for letting it get this far. For not saying goodnight at the door and stopping this before it slipped out of his control.

Because it is out of his hands now. It shouldn’t be, but TJ steps back, scoffing at him, and Colin’s opening his mouth to snap at him before he can make himself shut up. ]

Oh, right. Sure. [ He snorts, voice heavy with sarcasm. ] I’m too good for you. [ His eyes drop for a moment, drawn to the marks on TJ’s neck, before he yanks them back up to his face. ] Yeah, that’s really what it looks like. But hey, if that’s what you want to tell yourself, go for it.

[ It's certainly too late for that. TJ's hurt right now because he doesn't understand what's going on. Or, he was uncertain, but now it's starting to slowly dawn on him. All the pieces are starting to fall into place, the pieces he never wanted to fit together. Things weren't supposed to happen this way. They were just supposed to be having fun, nothing more than that. TJ doesn't want to settle down, he can't. He's still too busy believing the lie that he doesn't want a relationship. It's just easier.

But, TJ sees the way Colin looks at his neck. He knows what's there. He's not an idiot, but he just might continue to play as one.

Crossing his arms over his chest, one brow is cocked in question. If they're going to fight about something they shouldn't be fighting about, TJ's not going to back down and get walked all over. ]

Then what the hell else is it? I barely see you anymore and you sure don't seem to care. What am I supposed to think?

[ They were having fun. Colin’d been happy with that. He hadn’t meant to get feelings and screw everything up. But that’s exactly what he’s gone and done. And TJ’s too damn oblivious to realize it.

Which is what makes him lose his temper.

That accusation that he doesn’t care. Like this is all his fault. Like he wanted this to happen. Like he enjoys sitting around in his apartment feeling lonely and miserable and sorry for himself. Like he likes being right back where he was months ago, right after Ally’d dumped his sorry ass. ]

I’m surprised you even noticed. [ Somewhere in the back of his mind, there’s a little voice begging him to shut up. It goes ignored. Just like it has every other time it’s tried to talk him out of saying something colossally bad. ] What happened? Boy toy of the hour run out of condoms and you thought you’d pop over here and get one off of me?

[ The anger burns out fast. After another second, it’s gone and the sharpness evaporates from Colin’s voice. So does the glare and the rigid posture. Leaning against the arm of the couch, he shrugs, shoulders hunching. ]

You didn’t care before. Don’t know why it matters now.

[ If TJ was a different kind of guy, there would've been nothing that stopped him from hauling back and slugging Colin right in the face. But, he's not the violent type, far more cutting and vicious with his words instead, so he doesn't. He does think about it, though, and he can feel a strange itch in his hand&mash;as if the only way to scratch it is to introduce it to Colin's face. Try as he might to always hold back and not show his emotions, he does now. Instead of striking as he should have, he reels back as if he's been hit.

That's it, then. This right here is it. There's no way to explain it all away now. Colin could try, sure, make it seem as if he's judging TJ for sleeping around. But, he knows he'd be a hypocrite. And he knows enough about Colin to know he's not going to sling that card down. But, instead, he's making the play that TJ never wanted. Even he can't ignore the jealousy now. It's all right there, right out in the goddamn open.

For a moment he just stares at the floor, gathering his wits, and trying to decide just what he wants to say in return. There's no perfect comeback for this. There's no room for him to be honest, either. Sure, he could come clean, say why he's been having a string of one night stands lately, but he's not going to. Colin doesn't deserve it. When he looks back up, he's collected himself and his features are schooled in calm coolness, his eyes are completely devoid of any feeling at all. ]

You're right. [ He laughs, breathy and mirthlessly. ] It doesn't matter. Guess that's my fault, you know, thinking we had a something good... [ He begins slowly backing up toward the door. ] You knew I didn't want anything serious. I told you that. [ Again he laughs, it's a cold, empty sound, as he rakes his fingers through his hair. ] Why are you fucking this up?

Edited (sorry, liked this phrasing better) 2014-10-06 00:44 (UTC)

[ It’s only when he’s watching him jerk back like he’s just hit him in the face that it occurs to Colin that maybe it sounds like he’s calling him a slut. He’s not. TJ is; he sleeps around all the time, he has a profile on Grindr, for fuck’s sake. But Colin’s not that much of a hypocrite. He’s a slut too, has been for a long time and admits it freely any time someone points it out to him. Once, back in Boston, he’d worn the designation with pride.

The part of him that isn’t a jerk, the part—the very large part—that cares about TJ, wants to apologize. Almost manages to convince the wounded, jealous pride to go for it, too. Until TJ looks at him like he’s some kind of bug beneath his notice and confirms what he’d known all along. ]

Yeah, all my fault, right? [ It’s bitter and tired, weary beyond what the late hour calls for, and so sarcastic. ] I did it on purpose. Because falling for people who don't give a shit about me is just so much fun that I decided, what the hell, let’s do it again.

[ Shaking his head, knowing TJ’s on his way out, of his apartment, his life, Colin waves a hand at the door. Tomorrow, after he’s managed to pry himself from his self-pitying wallow in bed, he’ll start looking for new apartments. Another city with better nightlife. Miami, maybe. And this time, he’s damn well not getting attached to anyone. ]

Just go, TJ. Go back to your... [ He doesn’t know what to even call it, so he doesn’t bother. Doesn’t bother looking at him either. He doesn't want to watch him walk away, and it's with that thought in mind that he turns and moves toward his bedroom. TJ can see himself out. ] Forget the fuck up even existed.

[ It's really not fair. It's not. TJ shouldn't really care what Colin says, and part of his mind is telling him that he damn well doesn't, that he's better than this. And yet, when he gets accused of not caring, he feels like it's a punch to the gut. That's been the problem all along: he does care. If Colin could open his goddamn eyes he could see that. TJ doesn't do the things he does with Colin with anyone else. —well, the non-sexual things, can't really dispute the sexual ones.

For a moment he stands there, unmoving and emotionless. Then just turns on his heel to leave, but not without giving a final, parting word. ]

You're a goddamn idiot, Colin.

[ Three steps and he's at the door, barely even pausing to yank it open. It's slammed hard enough to shake the walls behind him. Less than ten seconds later, another echoing bang sounds as his own door slams.

If this is how it's going to be, this is how it's going to be.

Except, that's not really how things are going to be and nothing can ever be as cut dry in TJ's life as he'd like it to be. He should've known better. Or, at least, stopped listening to the lies he was telling himself. For the first couple of days, everything's fine. More or less. He's angry, sure, no one in their right mind wouldn't be. But the reasons he's mad? Those aren't quite the right reasons, but he's not ready to face those yet. He spends half the next day sulking and being angry, but he doesn't let it get the better of him. He's TJ Hammond. He's better than being a sulking mess now.

So, he goes out. Spends time with friends and meets new people. A couple nights he even thinks about bringing someone home with him, but winds up not doing it at the last second. He tries not to think about just why. Those aren't reasons he's ready to face. At night, he curls up in bed and the damnable cat with five thousand names licks his forehead and chews on his hair.

It's pathetic, really. But it's TJ's secret, and he'll keep it to the grave.

After a week of purposely avoiding Colin, making sure they're not going to meet in the hallway at any time, he starts to think. Or, rather, he starts to think about the truth of everything. That's when everything starts to fall apart. Internally, anyway. The truth of it all is that he wanted more. Still wants it, in some dumb way, though he's certain that ship has long since sailed. Letting someone in, accepting a relationship... neither of those things were put on his scope. He'd convinced himself he didn't want it, didn't need it. Not after what happened last time.

But, he does want it. He's wanted it for longer than he wants to admit and he can't stand it. The last thing he wanted was for the friendship to be ruined. And it's ruined now, so what's anything matter?

It takes another handful of days and it's just rounding on two weeks since the last time they spoke to each other. Maybe he's half possessed, maybe he's drunk ( although, he doesn't remember drinking anything ), maybe he's just crazy—doesn't matter. TJ knows Colin's home and it's not that late; knows him well enough by now that he's still awake, so he steels himself, knowing he at least owes this to himself as well as Colin, and he marches across the hall.

Then turns right back around and goes into his apartment again. Though, he does stop in the doorway, and returns on his mission. After a moment of hesitation, he knocks on Colin's door and simply waits. ]

[ Yeah, yeah he is. Colin’s not disputing that at all. He is an idiot. He was an idiot back in Boston for thinking that someone like Ally would ever be interested in him after all the times that she’d explicitly stated that she found him disgusting. And he’s been an idiot here in DC too. Maybe even a bigger one than before, because he didn’t just fall for the wrong person again. Oh no. That would have been all right. No, he had to repeat the same stupid mistakes he’d made that had driven him out of Boston and fall for the absolute worst possible person on the planet.

There had been so many warning signs that he really ought to have heeded.

Hot neighbor across the hall was a story to which he already knew the ending. Added to that a level of promiscuity that rivaled Colin’s own, which really should have warned him off. After living with himself for so long, it isn’t like he could claim he didn’t know what to expect. And all of that would have been bad enough if said hot, slutty neighbor hadn’t been the president’s goddamn son. It was the perfect storm of everything that Colin knew he couldn’t have, all so conveniently out of his league, so of course he’d fallen for him. Those gorgeous smiles, that stupidly adorable crooked tooth, the perfect hair and the cleft chin, even the damn bobcat.

TJ Hammond is damn near everything Colin wants. Naturally he can’t have him. Of course he’s a goddamn idiot.

He goes to bed after TJ leaves. He stays in it, with the covers pulled up over his head, for the next twenty-four hours. The following forty-eight he spends in a drunken stupor that he really can’t remember much of, though at one point he’s convinced that he called the Dunkin Donuts and spent twenty-five minutes talking to the clerk who picked up the phone about his relationship woes.

After that, he tries to pull himself together. If the disaster with Ally has been good for one thing, it’s learning how to avoid the neighbors and get on with his life. He manages not to see TJ for two weeks. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about him—he does, all the damn time—but he doesn’t see him. He cleans up his apartment, he cleans up himself, he goes to the few gigs he’d already had scheduled, and at night he starts looking for a new place to live. Each night, he tries someplace new. The first night had been Los Angeles. The second night was too, since the place was so damn big. Then San Francisco. Then Portland. Then Austin. Miami. Chicago. He’s got nothing and no one tying him down, he can look anywhere, and he does.

It’s Baltimore tonight, too close for comfort but still worth checking out. He’s only been at it for about an hour and a half when he hears the knock on the door. Not expecting company, he still doesn’t hesitate to go to the door and open it. He's wearing jeans and a t-shirt, he's decent enough for drop-in visitors. That it’s TJ on the other side makes him blink in surprise, obviously the last person he thought he’d see. But he doesn’t slam the door in his face or glare or start yelling.

Colin looks at him, glances past him to check the hallway, then looks at him again. His eyes are guarded, there’s no beaming smile on his face the way there once would have been, back before he fell for the guy, but there’s no hostility either. Just polite curiosity and a faint sliver of concern. ]

You okay?

[ When Colin answers the door—which TJ thought he actually might not, but Colin's not as petty as TJ would be were the situation reversed—his heart kicks up a little bit and he can just feel how much of a mistake this is going to be. Two weeks ago Colin wanted more, but there's no guarantee he does now.

This was such a stupid idea.

TJ wets his lips, carding his fingers through his hair as he sighs. Might as well just get this over with. Or something. ]

Yes. [ A beat; he winces. ] No. [ His face scrunches up and he sighs again. Glancing away, he looks down the hallway and chews on his bottom lip. ] I don't know.

[ Helpful. Really. All across the board is how he's feeling so he might as well share that with Colin. Being honest with his feelings isn't something TJ just does. He'd rather hide behind the masks he's created for himself. It all hurts less that way. The loneliness is easier to ignore. His lips thin as he looks down to the floor before finally back up at Colin. ]

I haven't—I never wanted anything serious. Not after the last time. [ He's only alluded to what happened in his past, but never shared any details. What went on with Sean is still an open wound and try as he might to ignore it, it still sits there on a shelf of his heart, painful as it always has been. ] You just— [ TJ's voice drops a little lower, as does his gaze as he stares at the floor again. ] You just came in and fucked everything up. I just—

[ They're in the hallway, so TJ isn't going to give some heartfelt declaration of love or something similar. Even if they were tucked safely inside he doesn't think he'd do it, either. That's just not the kind of guy he is.

He drags a hand over his face, forcing himself to look at Colin again. Like a bandaid. Just rip it off. ]

I haven't actually stopped thinking about you. [ He gestures meekly back toward his own apartment. ] The cat— misses you. Too.

[ It’s hard to hate TJ. Colin wishes he could. Everything would be so much easier if he could villainize him, turn him into a colossal jerk, and blame him for all the things that went wrong between them. But it isn’t his fault. TJ never lied to him, never led him on or made promises he wasn’t planning to keep. Through it all, TJ had never been anything but honest with him. Maybe Colin hadn’t decided to fall for him, maybe he couldn’t help it, but it hadn’t been TJ’s fault.

He knows that, and he can’t blame him for how he feels. Or for how he doesn’t feel.

So he stands there in the doorway and he doesn’t glare at him or scowl or huff and roll his eyes. He watches him, watches how he glances around and looks awkward and tries to hear what he’s actually saying behind all the false starts and fragments that never manage to go anywhere. For once, Colin tries to be the adult that he is. When he finds it within himself to pull a smile onto his mouth, he thinks that maybe he’s doing all right. ]

I get it. I know. [ He takes a deep breath, then lets it out, one hand on the doorframe and the other on the edge of the door. The smile gets a little ruefully lopsided, but it stays firmly on his mouth. ] And I’m sorry for that. For the—For everything. I know you didn’t want anything like that and I should’ve dealt with it better than I did.

[ Colin knows that he made a mistake. Owning up to it is the least he can do. The feelings aren’t gone. He’s never been able to make them go away that easily, and looking at TJ now it’s the easiest thing in the world. Seeing him like this just brings them all rushing back. But he shoves them down as best he can, trying to find a compromise they can live with.

Because Colin’s life without TJ in it has sucked. It may not be what he wants, but maybe if they’re friends—real friends instead of the blurred lines of what they had been before—maybe it will be enough.

Another deep breath and he plunges ahead, telling himself that it will get easier. He almost believes it, too. At least the smile he gives TJ is genuine enough. ]

Want to start over? See if maybe I can not screw everything up this time around?

Edited 2014-10-15 00:20 (UTC)

[ Maybe he shouldn't feel that pinch of surprise that Colin isn't really getting what he's saying. It's not like he's talking in any sort of sensible order, after all. If he'd been on the other end of his babbling, he'd not really know how to take it or what sort of worth his words had in the face of a situation like this. Apparently, ripping that bandaid off didn't actually happen like he thought it did. It only managed halfway, still sticking to the skin and tugging at the hairs of the proverbial arm.

Goddamn it.

On the other hand, maybe he should just let it go at this, just have them start fresh and be friends. It could work. They were friends before they started screwing around. ...For a short period, anyway. Surely they could do it again. TJ's never really been the jealous type and he can't imagine seeing Colin with a parade of people coming in and out would be upsetting in any real way, but for a moment he entertains the idea of feeling a little excluded at not having that part of him anymore. Knowing how he is, he knows he'd get a little too catty.

This is really so fucking stupid.

Absently, he chews on his lip again, looking off to the side while he gets his thoughts in order. Before he can even really think on it too much, he barrels on ahead. ]

No, wait, Colin. I don't... think you get what I'm saying.

[ Now that stupid bandaid has to come off. TJ's just got to say it and deal with the consequences. He's got no clue if this is actually a good idea or not, but he's hoping it isn't. Really, really hoping it isn't. But, only time can give him that answer and he hopes, too, that this is something he can handle better this time around. ]

I don't want to be friends. [ That. Doesn't sound right; he shakes his head. ] I mean, I do, but—more.

[ He sighs, aggravated with himself because this shouldn't be this hard. ]

I want to— [ be in a relationship. ( It's so easy. Why can't he just say it? ) ] try just you. And me. In a [ He makes a gesture, as if that explains everything. ] thing.

[ Clearly, romance isn't dead with TJ Hammond. ]

[ That’s not what he’s saying? Colin’s brow furrows in confusion as he replays what TJ’s just said to him, trying to figure out what he’s misunderstanding. Whatever it is, he’s clearly missing it, because he only gets more bewildered as TJ continues.

He doesn’t want to be friends? That gets an outright frown as he wonders if he ought to be ending the conversation right now. But he’s been trying, he really has. He misses TJ, it sounds—he thought, maybe he’s wrong—that TJ misses him too, so he’s trying to shove all the stupid feelings down and just be friends like he wants. Except now he doesn’t actually want to be friends. He wants, what?

More of the friends with benefits crap? That’s not going to work. Colin wishes that it could. God knows that he loves having sex with him. But the problem is that then the jealousy starts, the possessiveness creeps in, the expectations and desires and feelings, and even if he thinks he might be able to squash the fact that he really l—likes the guy for the sake of a friendship, he knows that he’s not going to be able to do that if he’s fucking him. He just can’t. He isn’t that good of a man. ]

TJ… [ Whatever he thinks he’s going to say gets tangled up in whatever it is that TJ’s trying to say and for a minute, Colin just stares at him in uncomprehending blankness. ] You want to try a thing?

[ One eyebrow rises, the other side of his mouth does too, and Colin blinks, lost and feeling weirdly like he’s on a rollercoaster and his stomach’s somewhere back on the first hill. It’s a little like hopefulness and Christ, but he knows that’s fucking stupid, that this isn’t a rom-com and he’s not about to get the “I love you” speech that people in the movies always do. ]

Look, here, why don’t you come in? [ Stepping back from the door, he holds it open wider and gestures for TJ to enter. ] And maybe you can explain what you mean, because I’m not sure if you mean you want us to go back to how we were or…?

[ Or he has no idea what the second option might be for someone like TJ. ]

[ How is he—How is he still not getting it!?

TJ was very clear just now. ( Debatable. ) So, clearly, Colin should have understood just what TJ is aiming for here. Right? ( He's telling himself he's right because he can't be wrong in this. Being wrong means he actually has to say the r-word out loud and he just... really... doesn't want to do that. Because that makes it real. That makes it a real thing that they're doing and TJ likes living in his own ignorance sometimes. )

He makes a noise in the back of his throat, frustrated, and scrunches his face because he just... can't deal with this. This was such a stupid idea. Had he mentioned that before? Because it fucking is. Nevertheless, TJ does go inside, though not particularly far. And fidgets. While he waits for Colin to close the door, he thinks of what to say. Actually thinks about it so he can work around saying a word that basically wants to make him break out in hives.

Still, he remains silent long after the door is closed. His stomach turns unhappily and he kind of just wants to go back home. Deep breath, in and out, and he just lets it spill. ]

I do want it to be like before, but just us. You and me. Exclusive. Are you getting it at all? Because I swear to God, Colin, if you're not...

[ Then he's just a big, dumb idiot and what's the point!? ]

[ Colin’s not stupid. He can be incredibly stupid, but he’s not stupid. If it was anyone else, he probably would have cottoned on to what was meant without such much explanation. But this isn’t anyone else. This is TJ Hammond, notorious connoisseur of the one-night stand and no strings attached. Colin got attached once. Is still attached, even if he wants to pretend that he isn’t.

Weeks of playing at boyfriends does not an exclusive boyfriend make, no matter how many luxury trips they’ve been on, and he’s not about to fall for this a second time.

Once he’s got TJ inside and the door shut between the two of them and the outside world of distractions, he waits. TJ’s not looking like he wants to actually go into the apartment and Colin isn’t really sure he wants to start entertaining a guy he doesn’t know where he stands with. So here by the entryway it is. Until TJ says that he wants an exclusive thing between the two of them that sounds an awful lot like he’s dancing around saying that he wants a relationship.

With Colin.

After getting angry that Colin wanted a relationship that he didn’t want to have.

This is what he wants, no mistake. But his eyebrows climb toward his hairline and he stares at TJ like he’s watching for the other shoe to drop or Ashton Kutcher to poke his head in and yell “Punked” in his face. Shoes don’t start falling from the ceiling and no celebrities but TJ continue to exist in the apartment, so after a moment, Colin expels a breath, rubs a hand over his face, and glances at his computer. ]

Sorry, I just… [ He looks back at TJ, still feeling a little like this isn’t actually happening. He points at the computer. ] I feel like I’m still sitting over there. Like I fell asleep and I’m having this dream and five minutes from now I’ll wake up and you still won’t want to talk to me.

[ That sounds pathetic. He clears his throat. ]

That’s what I wanted. What I still want, if I’m being honest. But I thought you didn’t. I thought that’s what all of this was about. What changed?

[ If TJ had anything to say on the matter ( and he'd like to think he does at this point ), he'd like to state for the record that Colin is stupid. Right now, anyway. He should just know what TJ means by all of this and not have to ask so many questions. This is hard for him! Relationships are work that he wasn't even sure he'd want to commit to again. Not that he'd really given anyone much of a chance, either. But, he's spent all this time with Colin—and not everything's been about sex. Which is a bizarre phenomenon all by itself. They have fun together, they have a lot in common ( outside of their rampant promiscuity, anyway ), they get along well. They have a fur baby just across the hall, for crying out loud!

TJ's let Colin in more than he's let anyone in over the past several years.

But, Colin has no idea of what TJ's been through and why he doesn't want relationships. Sooner rather than later, he's going to have to know if they're actually going to do this whole relationship thing. It's too bad the Drift doesn't really exist, that way they could just hop into a jaeger and get this over with and TJ never has to physically repeat a story he's never told anyone.

Folding his hands behind his back, he uses them as a buffer between him and the wall as he leans against it. If things were different and the atmosphere wasn't so tense, he'd make fun of Colin because—yeah, that was pathetic. But, he's being pathetic, too. So, who is he to judge? TJ's cheeks puff out as he audibly exhales; he continues to stare at a spot on the wall rather than Colin. ]

I told myself I didn't, so I believed it. After that story broke while we were in Vegas, I started thinking about it and it freaked me out. [ He makes a face as he tips his head to the side so he can look at Colin again. The truth about feelings are way too hard. ] I pulled away and brought home whomever I felt like just so I could stop thinking about you. Which... didn't really work at all. It just made me think about you more and compare everyone to you. And it pissed me off. Because I didn't want a—anything serious.

[ There's a short pause and he shrugs one shoulder. ]

Well, I'd lied to myself for so long, I got pissed you disproved the lie. I want you. I can't even lie to myself about it anymore.

[ TJ's still not looking at him, but Colin can't really find it in himself to blame him. This is awkward and strange. They're not right. Things aren't as easy and normal as they were between them anymore. Even if they were just going to make a stab at being friends, without the benefits, it was going to be awkward and strained in the beginning. Colin knew that, was prepared for it in the way that only someone who's had too many awkward and strained post-coital encounters can be. But this is veering into emotional vulnerability territory, and that's never easy, not even when things between people are comfortable.

It's okay that he's not looking at him. It give Colin the opportunity to look at him without having to sneak peeks out of the corner of his eye.

At least until TJ actually looks at him. Then he wants to look away, but he's caught and helplessly looks back at him. In a way, he has to. If he wants this—and he does, he really, really does—he's going to have to come to terms with having these sorts of conversations without seeking solace in interesting patterns in the carpet or behind the familiar shield of a bottle.

He can't say that he's never slept with people to forget someone. It's what he'd done when he'd gotten to DC, in the hopes of getting himself quickly past the debacle with Ally. So he can't logically blame TJ for that either, even if he kind wants to. ]

We could take it slow. [ He puts it out there tentatively, not really sure that he knows what he's talking about. What's slow for them? They've already done slow, in their own roundabout way. ] I mean, I don't know. I don't know what that is for us. But I'm not—I'm not asking you to marry me or move in or whatever right now. That isn't what I was trying to do before. I just wanted a chance. I wanted to give us a chance. Without all the, the other people.

[ He starts to take a step forward, thinks better of it, and goes to reach out instead. That too ends before it gets anywhere and he sighs, raking his hand up through his hair after it flaps around in the air between them for a moment. ]

I still do. Want the chance. Want you. If you—If that's still an option on the table, TJ, I'd like to try.

[ If there’s one thing TJ really dislikes, it’s awkwardness. Especially with someone he considers a friend. There’s no reason for them to be acting this way. ( Logically, of course there is, but TJ doesn’t really care much for what logic has to say. ) So, he doesn’t want them to be. If they can somehow speed through this stupid, boring part, all the better. And he’s pretty darn sure he can do something about that.

Or, at least, make the valiant attempt at doing that.

There’s no real hesitation outside of one quick moment where he ponders if it’s a bad idea or not—then realizing he doesn’t care, as his life is continuously full of bad ideas—but then he’s reaching forward to hook his fingers into the belt loops on Colin’s jeans to tug him in closer; straightening, TJ meets him halfway. ]

I don’t know what it is either. I don’t even really know what to do for any of this. [ Again, there’s probably some logic here, but he’s still in the ignoring mode. And it’s not like he’s got a lot to compare it to. His last “long” relationship was kept secret for the duration. Handling one that’s out in the open… a real one, not one where he’s just fucking around—he’s got no clue what the right thing to do is. ] All I do know is I’m ready, I guess, to take the chance.

[ There’s a chance he takes right now, leaning in to aim for a kiss, though he does stop fairly short. ]

Oh. If you ever say the word “marry” to me again, I’ll personally make sure Mr. Meowgi shits in all of your shoes and shreds your bathrobe.

[ Before, when there hadn’t been any feelings mucking up the works and they’d just been two guys who lived across the hall from each other who got along and liked to fuck each other when the mood struck, TJ doing little things like catching his belt loops and reeling him in by them always turned him on. He can feel it now, like muscle memory, a tiny flicker of arousal that wants to flare into something more consuming. But he smothers it down, telling himself that now isn’t the time.

And maybe he’s finally growing up, getting to be a little more responsible as time passes and he continues to rack up painful experiences, because it’s a lot easier to do than he’s expecting.

He smiles a little, though. It’s not one of his wide, expansive things that practically eat up his entire face. It’s a tiny thing, conservative, almost tentative, but it’s genuine. It’s the kind of smile he gets when he’s afraid that a larger expression might clue life in to the fact that he’s happy about something and it’ll snatch it away from him again.

It looks like TJ’s going to kiss him, maybe, and he starts leaning into it. But TJ stops and he stops. And then he’s ducking his head, huffing on a dry, helpless chuckle. ]

Sorry. Won’t happen again. [ He glances up at him through his lashes, mouth twisted in a half-smile. ] Does it help my case that I was using the term to illustrate my point and not in any suggestive way?