bakerstreet | Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no Lies

[He shifts awkwardly, no way of stopping the honesty from coming forward.]

... Sorry about the letters. It was never that I forgot you or didn't want to stay in touch, I just--[He pauses, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck.]--I was ashamed of the situation I'd gotten myself into. I thought--Heh... I thought you'd be able to see through me somehow. Even in letters. I was scared of that.

But I never forgot.

Pink. It didn't last very long. Nail polish and chlorine don't mix.

[he leans back a little, folding his hands in his lap; rin's starting to look defensive and that just makes him feel guilty.]

Of course I would've seen through you. That doesn't mean what happened was anything you should've been ashamed of. I knew something happened; you already weren't hiding that from me.

Did Nanase know what happened?

Pink's not really your colour, it's true. Not that you couldn't pull it off with the right outfit, but...

[Honestly, Rin doesn't want tension between him and Sousuke, so while it feels like the conversation is turning in a sort of serious direction he doesn't want it to feel too weighty or fraught, instead opting to take part in a bit of back and forth between his truthful impulses. He leans over, setting a mock-threaning look on Sousuke.]

Oi... You saying I'm easy to read or something now?

[He holds that look for a second or two, then settles back with a sigh.]

Yeah. Haru was part of the problem at the time. He didn't know until pretty recently though. When I came back one New Years I bumped into Haru and asked to race. I figured even though things weren't going as well as I'd hoped in Australia that I'd been training hard every day, so it had to be enough to beat Haru and I could start to feel better knowing that. I lost. I took it really hard and nearly quit completely then, but instead I started acting like all I had to do was beat Haru to get over the wall I'd hit. But it wasn't about beating Haru, I'd just convinced myself that it was.

I was in middle school, fashion wasn't really a priority.

[Sousuke starts for a moment before he realizes Rin is teasing; the tension begins to soften out of his posture then.]

As easy as you ever were.

[He's quiet for a moment to process this. Rin came home and didn't get in touch--that hurts. Rin almost quit swimming--that's frightening. His tone when he replies is curious, not antagonistic, even if his words... well.]

So what're you going to do if it happens again? You can't just come back to Iwatobi once you get out there, Rin.

See, I knew there was another reason why we didn't see eye to eye in school; I was just way too much of a fashionista for you to handle...

[Yeah, that's definitely sarcasm. We all know the kind of shit Rin wore in elementary school.

He gives Sousuke a good-natured shove with his knee, muttering something that sounds a whole lot like "I was never easy, jackass..." under his breath before straightening up again.]

Yeah, you're right, I can't. But I think I'm okay now. Mostly. But I wish--[He bites his lip then, really trying to shut down that rising impulse to just spill out the deeper thoughts he's kept very close to his chest until now, though ultimately knowing it's sort of futile here.] ... I wish they were coming with me, that they were working toward the same goal too. I want us to swim together again as part of the national team. Haru could get scouted no problem, but he just doesn't care. That pisses me off. But I have to do this, with or without them. There's no other option now, no turning back.

[Not everyone can rock Burberry. Sousuke laughs a little, kicks playfully at Rin's ankle and rolls his eyes--"Sure you weren't..."--but settles back to listen when Rin speaks, waiting patiently because he knows eventually Rin will let it all out.]

You say that but I'm not sure you mean it and you can't wait until you get away from here again to figure it out. Getting scouted... you can't afford to have a single doubt then or it'll come out in your times.

[His voice gets more emotional as he speaks, not angry but just a little pushy.]

Swimming with your heart got you this far but eventually you're going to have to swim with your head, Rin.

[Sousuke's not wrong, but in Rin's mind he's not entirely right either. While doing well hasn't come as a result of Rin being lucky and floating along effortlessly, he's not convinced that he's gotten by with passion alone. He might not be right about that, it's just Rin's outlook though.

He frowns, his teeth clicking lightly as he scuffs a foot against the floor a couple of times.]

I don't have any doubts, it just feels like having different levels of dreaming. There's always an added layer to want if everything really could be perfect, but I'm not that unrealistic. I can't rely on wanting the most ideal outcome. [He hunches his shoulders with a shrug and a humourless chuckle.] It's impossible.

That doesn't mean I'm not serious about what I'm aiming for, but I've always swum the way I do. I'm not sure what it would mean to swim with my head compared to anything else. Is that how you approached swimming? With your head not your heart?

[It shouldn't feel this bad, seeing that Rin's managed to shed some of the romanticism he was full of when they were younger. It's only going to get him farther but somehow Sousuke still finds himself frowning as Rin speaks.]

Of course. I love to swim, yes, I wouldn't want to go pro if I didn't, but once you're off the block it's just you in that lane. If you're trying to take other people with you...

[He stops because he doesn't want to come within a thousand kilometers of insulting Rin's father or even the friends he has at Iwatobi. He has to choose his words very carefully now.]

You're alone when you swim, Rin. We all are. That's the nature of the sport. The only thing you need to be thinking about what anybody else is doing is whether they're ahead or behind you.

You're wrong. [Unlike Sousuke, in this situation the impulse in Rin's gut doesn't allow him to self-regulate, instead letting everything tumble out entirely uncensored, including the passion behind it.]

When you leave the block it might just be you in the lane, but you're not swimming alone. Whether it's in a relay or not, if it's in school or nationally, you're carrying your team with you, because you're swimming for them as much as yourself. It's recognition for you and your team together, so you're never alone.

Swimming as though you're alone...it's meaningless.

[Well, don't beat around the bush about it, Rin. The emotion in Rin's response just fuels the same in Sousuke. He looks pained when Rin says it's meaningless but forces it off his face. Not now.]

You can't afford to carry your team with you. Do you really want to not be on that podium if your teammate can't pull their weight?

[Sousuke shakes his head and looks down at his hands.]

I just don't understand, Rin.

[The missing keywords there from Rin there were about how swimming alone was meaningless for him. The last few years had been a real experience for Rin in terms of discovering where he draws real strength from, and as far as he's concerned it has taken several false starts that nearly cost him his future goals entirely.

This does feel like a repeat of the fight they'd had as kids before Rin transferred to Iwatobi, with the memory of how the smell of chlorine and childish anger entangled around the imagine of Sousuke's resolute expression: he and Rin would not agree on that point.

So what would Sousuke have thought of the Rin in Australia who had convinced himself swimming for the team was what ruined his speed and motivation, and no matter how hard he tried the thing he'd loved most felt sour and disheartening? Would he have approved of that Rin more than the current version of himself, swimming his best times from drawing from a concept of swimming for the team and his friends?]

It's not like that. I want to stand there knowing who helped me to get there. It's not about pulling your team along, it's about wanting to take then with you, and them wanting to come too. Even if they don't make it with me, they're the ones who helped me get that far. I don't want to ignore that anymore.

[Sousuke never had a chance to approve or disapprove of that Rin. He knows the years between their meetings were not kind to Rin and he can tell his friend has changed but apart from brief, sentimental explanations about being saved, he can't know what it was like.

What he does know is that, at the end of the day, there are two teams Rin is swimming for now. He has to balance swimming for Samezuka, swimming for his friends in Iwatobi, and swimming for his own future. Out of those three parties, the only one Sousuke trusts is Rin. Realistically, he's certain that's also the only one Rin should be trusting, but Rin's not willing to hear it.

Sousuke can see he's not making any headway. Rin needs his swimming to have meaning; Sousuke's trying--for Rin's sake if nothing else, he wants to understand this great meaning--but it's all dark to him. They're just not going to agree.

He lifts his hands and shakes his head, still not looking up at Rin.]

I'm not saying you should ignore it. Probably better if we just drop it. I'm sorry I brought it up.

[Rin's lips pull into a thin line of a frown as he watches Sousuke, feeling the swirling tension between them rise again like it has done back and forth since Sousuke transferred to Samezuka; it's like the tide rising and falling, sometimes deep and sometimes far away, but always there in some form.

His shoulders sag, then he lifts a hand a lightly smacks his palm against his friend's upper arm.]

Hey, what's with that kind of face? It's fine, isn't it?

[He smiles, a warm and honest kind of smile as he shrugs a single shoulder.]

After all, we're swimming together. Whether we agree or not, that part's undeniable and I'm glad you're part of my team.

[Sousuke lets his head hang until he feels Rin's hand on his arm. He wants to feel that little pop, that moment when the tension breaks for good. It doesn't happen, but it does decrease a bit. He knows it'd go further away, maybe even give him the break he wants if he'd let it; he also knows he can't let it. Not yet.

He can smile, though, so he does. It's not as easy as Rin's but it's real.]

Yeah, it's fine. And I'm glad to be here, on your team. That's the whole reason I'm even here.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no Lies

[2/2]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

i'm sorry, sousuke's just inclined to be somber D:

No need to apologise :') He's just doin' his thing!

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject