bakerstreet | green with envy.

Entry tags:

green with envy.

JEALOUSY

Everyone feels jealous at one point or another, whether it's justified or not. What's important is how we deal with it... do we discuss it, fight about it, or plan epic revenge to carry out?

- Post with your character's name/series in the subject as well as any preferences.

- Others go to RNG and roll from 1-10, then respond!

- Play it out!

1 → wandering eye.

You think your lover has been looking at other's a little too often or flirting too much in your company. You can't keep quiet any longer about it.

2 → simple life

Your friend, family, or lover has always had it so much easier and you can't help but feel a little put off.

3 → don't you forget about me

Your friend or lover has found someone new they want to spend almost all their time with and you can't help but feel a little cheated.

4 → cheated

Forget just a sneaking suspicion. You've caught your lover in the act of cheating and it's driving you nuts. You have to confront them about it.

5 → for the glory

You did all the work, or at least you feel like you did, so why do they always get all the praise?

6 → moved on

You broke up or had a falling out with someone close to you and it's killing you to see how they've seemed to let go and you're stuck standing in place.

7 → because i want you

You're jealous of any attention they get because you're secretly in love with them. Time to make it known!

8 → always the favourite

Everyone always praises them or they were clearly the favourite child or just more popular with friends. You can't help but hate it.

9 → more experience

they're more experienced, either in the bedroom or in the office. Any activity, they outshine you. Who wouldn't feel a little inferior?

10 → your choice!

Didn't see something listed? Use your own idea!

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Nothing you're about to suggest will make me feel welcomed, or at home. [ There's a surreptitious, sideways glance at the house, and she grits her teeth. ] Especially not at my home. Now ... Get out of here. Before someone sees you.

Do any of them know you're back yet?

Not ... in the strictest sense of the word. [ There's a relenting edge to her voice but she stifles it. ] But, that's not the point!

[He grabs her hand, pulling her back towards her.] So they won't fret if you're late.

That's not what -- [ She huffs, jerking her hand back from him. ] I'm not gonna be your way to settle some ... century-old pissing contest with Angel.

[He gives her a hurt look.] That's not what this is. You'll never be that to me. [Well, not just that anyway. Besides, it's not like the century-old pissing contest could be settled that easily.]

No. [ She's trying so hard not to give in. ] And, why would I believe that? Al Gore inventing the internet was more convincing.

Because unless you said something to him, Angel doesn't know. [And of course Buffy wouldn't tell Angel. That would mean admitting that she and Spike had something. To her perfect Angel, too. He steps in close again, putting his hands on her hips.] And if Angel doesn't know, I can't really use you as a tick on my scorecard, now, can I?

[Though he can make her reek of him. And though Angel is unlikely to show up again, if he did, he'd know instantly what they'd be doing. Buffy doesn't need to know that part.]

[ Her gaze drops away from his and she makes a move to avoid it. It's infuriating. She realizes full and well that Spike would like for Angel to know. But, she doesn't want to admit that he does.

She should have known she couldn't get within a hundred yards of him without him doing the ... creepy vampire smelling people thing. And, Spike had a way of lingering with her. Apparently, in scent as well as anything else.

She didn't have to say anything. Except, well, after, to try and explain. Until she realized she didn't need to explain anymore because Angel had his own explaining to do. Cordelia. Connor. His happy little family in L.A., and she was here ... screwing Spike.

It was humiliating. She was supposed to be better than this. Angel had said as much. Worse, he'd made her feel more like it than usual without even having to say anything. He had a way of doing that. And she'd thought she could be strong enough to put a stop to it after that kind of wake-up call, but ...

But, she wasn't. Because it hurt. Seeing Angel in L.A. hurt more than anything, feeling like she had fallen so far in three years while his life was perfect hurt more than the usual painful greeting. And Spike was who she went to when she hurt. ]

Shut up. [ Her tone is relenting and defeated with a side of self-loathing. ]

[Seeing Angel had clearly caused the usual angst. She couldn't be with the vampire she really wants. Just a poor, soulless substitute. Spike's hands tighten on her hips, pulling her closer against him. He's not Angel. If he'd had her like Angel had once had her, he'd never have let her go.]

Shut me up. [He leans in to kiss her again. He can make her forget, let her lose herself in him. It's what he does. Replaces her pain with pleasure. He'd like to see Angel do better.]

[ Angel's righteous indignation rang in her ears. Spike. [...] Are you sleeping with him? She let Spike kiss her, her hands slipping up over his arms, resting at his shoulders. As if he had any room to talk. Caring for Darla's son with Cordelia. How the hell could he judge her for this?

You hate him. She kissed Spike back. I do. Her eyes squeezed shut, fighting back tears and her hands found either side of his face, pulling him in closer. She needed this.

It wasn't violent this time. Just desperate. She backed him into the tree in her front yard, pawing at him, trying to lose herself in him. Don't think about it. Don't think about Angel and his stupid, perfect life with his stupid, perfect family. You have a family, too. Yeah. Dawn's inside, waiting on me, worried and alone. Great family. ]

[She was probably thinking of the enormous poofter right now. She had her eyes closed. Was she pretending Spike was Angel instead? Spike didn't know if he could stand it if she was. He didn't think he'd stop kissing her, of course. Any excuse he had to get her into bed he'd take. He could pretend too. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine he didn't need to work so hard each time to remind her how much she wanted him. That she loved him. That she didn't give a crap about Angel.

He bit her lip savagely and slid his hands down to cover her bottom. Angel wouldn't do that. He wouldn't dare. He didn't know Buffy like Spike did. Spike knew exactly where to touch to make her scream, and he knew she liked it rough. Angel probably thought she was still a delicate virgin who didn't realise there were positions other than missionary. Spike knew better.]

[ It hurt. Maybe she deserved for it to hurt, for being out here with him instead of inside with Dawn. Instead of acting like a grown-up and dealing with this the grown-up way. What was the grown-up way, exactly? Crying? Crying until she couldn't anymore and then just getting over it? This way was better. It felt better.

Or, it was supposed to.

She rejected the aggression, his vulgar pawing at her body, his rough and demanding advances. She shoved him back, eyes burning as she opened them to stare into him. She looked like she was ready to break. ]

Do you love me? [ Her voice cracked. She couldn't even manage to tell him to say it. Because she didn't want it to be a lie. She wanted him to answer him and know he meant it and that he wasn't just saying it because she made him. She wanted to feel like somebody, something still cared about her, no matter what she'd let herself become. Her lip trembled. ]

[He was going to complain when she pushed him away. Push her. Try and get her to come back... but her expression freezes him. She's hurting so much, and he'd been busy trying to wipe away all traces of Angel. He's supposed to think of her first.

And then her question takes him off guard. Since when had she wanted to hear about his feelings? Usually she wanted to shag him and punch him in the face if he tried and made it more than just shagging.

His voice comes out soft and low, full of all the emotion he's tried to hold back for her sake.] More than anything.

[ Her expression contorts at that, eyes wide, jaw tense and lips tugged downward, distraught. Tears shone at the corners of her eyes. She wanted to hold him and kiss him and let him consume her the way she always did. But, she also wanted to cry until she didn't have it in her anymore and just break down -- hit her knees, not get up until he carried her because she was too tired to keep doing this.

And then, slowly, her brow furrowed. Distress and relief and fear became horror and guilt and oh god what have I done? He loved her. Actually, genuinely loved her and she had ... the things she had done, the way she'd behaved. She didn't deserve to be loved.

Her eyes drift slowly away from his, distant and terrified at finally seeing herself, and so completely lost. She didn't know what she was doing. She'd been trying to make it through just stumbling along, but she couldn't. She couldn't. Not like this. She releases a breath that she didn't know she was holding in a shallow, sobbed kind of gasp. Her tears don't come, but it's a definite sob that she doesn't even bother choking off.

She backs away, shaking her head and finally looking up at him. So lost. So confused. So scared and alone. ] What's wrong with me?

Buffy... [He could tell her that it was because she was dark inside, like him, that she'd be happier if she just accepted it and went with him, but he doesn't. He doesn't want her to break beyond recognition.

So instead, he steps in, wrapping his arms around her. But he doesn't try for more than that, for once. He kisses the top of her head and pulls her against him, holding her close.] There's nothing wrong with you, love. You've had a hard time of it is all. You're... you're amazing.

Edited 2012-03-28 08:45 (UTC)

[ No. No, no, no. Her body tensed and rejected the comfort, forcing herself to believe that she was some kind of monster so horrible that she didn't deserve even that. And she believed it. It was easy to. The way she treated Spike? The things she'd done? The way Angel had looked at her? And the things she'd said to Cordelia ...

She couldn't accept the cold comfort of his arms around her that way, so she corrupted it. Twisted it into something fitting for her. She tipped her chin upward, slowly, hands closing around fistfuls of his jacket, clinging onto the leather. Her lips found his, soft at first, seeking comfort, then more desperate and fervent. She could take comfort in this. It was more fitting for what she had let herself become. ]

[He kissed her back. A voice in the back of his head where his conscience was once upon a time pointed out that this probably wasn't what Buffy needed right then, but he couldn't stop himself. Buffy's kisses were addicting. He couldn't keep himself from kissing her, even if it would probably be better to wrap his arms around her tight and let her cry onto his shoulder. He couldn't.

He could run his hands up and down her back gently while she kissed him, though. He could try and keep the kiss more slow and sweet than usual, try and show the love she'd just asked about. To treat her like the brilliant woman he knew she was.]

[ Her breath catches between their lips, heavy with emotion rather than just from the kissing. She can feel it. As she shuts her eyes and slips her arms around his neck, she can feel the soft warmth and the love. And, for the first time, it doesn't frighten her, because she's not thinking about it. She just needs to feel it. Even if Angel didn't love her anymore, Spike did.

Her lips fumble against his, hurried but not violent, and she tries to let him consume her, take her over, like he always does. She wants it, more than anything, because it'st he closest she'll get to Heaven and the furthest she can get from Angel and Cordelia and their perfect stupid family. Feeling nothing but Spike and the love he has for her. It may not be warmth, because he has none to give, but it's something.

A few tears slipped out of the corners of her eyes as she kissed him, pressing him back into the tree, causing it to lurch from the strength with which she threw herself at him. This wasn't going to work. Anything they did out here would be ... rushed and violent and not what she was looking for. Not what she needed from him. She broke out of the kiss, breathing ragged. ]

Come inside. [ The final line of defense crumbled in her desperation to feel something. Willow and Dawn could be inside. Even if they weren't, she was letting them down to have him in there. But, it didn't matter. She couldn't focus on what they needed when she could barely stand. She needed it. They wouldn't understand, but she did. ]

[His eyes widen at the invitation. Obviously, it's not the first time she's asked him into her home. He's been there a lot, both with and without her. But she's asking him in. And not because there's some mission related reason that she needs him in. She's asking because she wants him in there with him.]

Really? With you?

[He shouldn't double check. He shouldn't let her think twice or she'll realise what she's doing. But he's so surprised. He was planning on dragging her back to his crypt and then watching sadly as she later went into her home without him.]

No, I was telling you to go into my house without me so that you could ... lurk and snoop and God knows what else. [ The snark helped her stabilize her emotions, temper the trembling, and she rolled her eyes, avoiding his gaze. ] Yeah. With me. Your crypt's too far. [ She leaned up and tugged at his lower lip with her teeth, light and coaxing. ] Spike. [ She murmurs his name, imploring. Calling him in. ]

[Hardly an invitation she can refuse. He smiles at her and takes her hand.] Yeah. I'd like that. [He squeezes her hand lightly, and looks up towards the house.] Anyone even home?

Guess we'll find out. [ She says it apprehensively, tugging her hand out of his as subtly as she can and excusing it by bringing a finger to her lips in a shushing gesture. She doesn't want them to know he's here if they are, too. She takes the first few steps backwards, then turns and heads up the steps, her gait shaky. She pushed open the door. ]

Dawn? [ She called it in a raised voice through the house, not stepping inside of it yet, though. It was a threshold. A point of no return. If she let him in now, she wouldn't be able to get him out. Not ever. ] Will? Anybody home?

[No response. Maybe Xander and Anya are babysitting... both of them. After a few moments of silence, Spike steps forward, hand on her back.] Sounds like we've got the place to ourselves.

[ Empty house. Why is she surprised? House is always empty. Everyone she knows lives there, and yet ... Never actually there. Not that she's one to talk. She glances up over her shoulder at him, hesitating, then pushes the door open the rest of the way, takes a deep breath and steps inside. ]

Sounds like. [ She suddenly feels exposed. Vulnerable. In ways she didn't usually have to, because it was Spike giving of himself and her taking and taking and taking. She forces herself to let go of the doorknob. ]

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