It's what I deserve

[sockdere]

WHAT I DESERVE how to play - no blank comments! your character announces exactly what they believe they deserve. with a full chest. zero dishonesty. for good. for bad. for the worst. - does everyone agree? - tread lightly, triggers may pop up.

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[flashpointed]

I doubt there's any shortage of men like us.

[ He knows that his actions will condemn more people than just himself; some of whom agree with him, many of whom do not. That's fine. It is, after all, what they deserve. ]

But I intend to make sure justice is done. One way or another.

[holdshisown]

Unfortunately not. War... tends to see to that.

[To eat away at all the good parts of yourself until only the hard and ruthless pieces remained and war was the only thing left you were good for.]

I wish you good fortune to that. [And he truly does.] I doubt I will live long enough for that myself. [It's said almost wistfully, though with a slight tinge of regret as well.] I'm not much given to foresight, but... I can feel it in my bones my time is drawing near. I guess that's justice enough in some ways, though.

cw: suicidal ideation

[flashpointed]

[ He does, genuinely, try not to be judgemental of other people who might be in the same position. He bears responsibility, but he's not blind to the fact that the crimes were much bigger than his alone, nor to the reality that an injustice was done to him, too; how people cope with something like that is none of his business.

But for him, dying in and of itself isn't the point, and isn't sufficient. If it was, he would have ended it a long time ago. Even now, he still sometimes wishes it was, so that he could.

All to say, there's some projection in the tartness of his reply: ]

A peaceful death? [ He's making some assumptions, here. Again: projection. ] I wouldn't say so, no.

[holdshisown]

[If Maedhros even notices the tartness of that tone he does not seem to mind it. Why should he, after all? He was not a good man and could hardly ask it of others to treat him with the same respect as was due to one that was. He does seem a bit baffeled that Roy assumes he's speaking of a peaceful death. You don't generaly get many bouts of foresight when it comes to gentler forms of death, but Roy is human and likely does not know that.]

Peaceful? No. I don't think it will be that. People like you or I rarely get that privelege. [He muses softly.] And why should we? When we have denied it to others so often? No. I am, as I said, not much given to foresight. What visions I get are... rare and not very clear. But this much I know, I'll not go gently into that death nor without great pain. Fire. That's what I see when I feel my death approaching. [The wistfulness is still there but the look on his face is a bit conflicted.] It makes me wonder if I'll die like my father did. If the fire within my spirit will eat me up just like his own ate him and left us with nothing but ashes in our hands.

[flashpointed]

[ He had, in fact, fully assumed that reference to foresight had been metaphorical. His defensive posture releases, though he doesn't apologize for his logical leap. He agrees that the two of them probably don't deserve courtesy. ]

A miserable death, then. [ His tone is flat and dull. He is very familiar with the mechanics of death by fire. ] It still doesn't sound like enough, to me.

[holdshisown]

[So it must seem to most humans, they do not often have the sight themselves. No appology was needed, or even wanted in truth, Roy had simply spoken the truth as he saw it and Maedhros was no child to be given gentle lies to spare his feelings. No. He'd more than likely find any such thing far more insulting than sharp words.]

Aye. Though I never expected otherwise. [He'd seen death in many forms, fire but being one of them. One of the least pleasant ones, in truth, but not the worst he'd seen either.] Perhaps not. Though one could if it will ever be anything that could be enough to make up for such heavy sins. But please do not believe death will allow me to escape judgement, for that is not so, the Doomsman will judge me most harshly when I come to his door. Such it is for my people. You humans are allowed to pass beyond, whatever your sins may be, and find peace outside the circles of the world. My own are bound to this one place. We can never leave it, not even in death, and so my punishment will come whether I live or I die. Lest I refuse his call, of course, and that I am of no mind to do.

[flashpointed]

[ Roy is not a spiritual man. Talk of judgement after death, of passing beyond, of peace in the afterlife— it rolls off of him with little more than a disdainful narrowing of his eyes. He's not rude enough to be outwardly scornful, but also not in a good enough mood to entertain notions that strike him as inconsequential. ]

I can't say I place much value in the judgement of a god. [ Or whatever else a 'Doomsman' might be called. ] But if that satisfies you... [ He shrugs. This is as polite as he's willing to be about it, at the moment. ] Fine.

[ His crimes were against the people. It's the people who should have the ability to judge him, and to punish him. Anything else is cowardice. That's all. ]

[holdshisown]

[It's easy not to be one when you did not grow up in a land where such spiritual entities walked quite openly. To Maedhros it is only the truth, it is what happens to his people. It had never been a mystery to his people what happens to them after death.]

A god? To human eyes he must seem as such, I suppose? Though I doubt he himself would agree. He is a Vala, and one I can't say I'm particularly fond of, and to him falls the duty of the keeping of souls... and the judgement of them as well. [He smiles slightly.] Whether it satisfies me matters little. It is simply what will be, I cannot change fate no matter how much I may try. The last time I tried to do so I just ended up making things worse. To evil ends shall all things turn that they begin well, that is what the Doomsman said to me and mine the last time I saw him and so it has been.