bakerstreet | Changes

[She blinks, and looks, for a split second, a bit embarrassed. Just briefly, before she rallies back to righteous disgust.]

Not to me. But, you know... people. Tuskegee. Nelly Bly. All that shit.

[Which, she's realising as she says it, definitely means nothing to him.]

I've never heard those names before. [And there is just a bit of an edge to his voice that relays this should be obvious. She clocked that one right.

[He has a guess - a revealing one, but it isn't a secret.]

A race? [There's just a beat, and then.] In our case, anyway. That's my guess.

[She shrugs.]

Yeah, I guess. A lot of the time.

But sometimes just... poor people. Crazy people, disabled people. Queer people, a lot of the time. Women. Anyone who's not fucking powerful enough to miss.

That's how it fucking works. Medicine, politics, law, all the shit that comes from the top. It just... it's there to clear the way, you know?

They're a bit subtler than you, is all.

[It all makes sense. Terrible sense. Eren's face betrays nothing.]

Some things are universal, then.

[For the record, though:] That isn't my reasoning.

[Ugh.]

...Fine. Fuck it. What's your reasoning?

[Knowing she'll regret asking, if only because he might start thinking it matters. It doesn't matter. The outcome's what matters. But... maybe she wants to know, a bit, whether there's a reasoning that makes it seems less evil.]

[He's used to reciting it - can't be sure what he's already told her, and what he hasn't. What Bethan doesn't realize - what Eren keeps well hidden, despite everything - is that his mind is a nauseating slurry of his own memories and the memories of others; knowledge of infinite time and all the maddening effects that come with it.

[There's no pretty answer, of course. He wants to save the people he loves - maybe that's the most attractive; he wants to see the world empty, because it disappointed him - that's the ugliest.

[He starts with the practical, the logical. He's doing it only because he has to - because there is no other choice.]

The world seeks to destroy my people - Devils with dirty blood. That's what they think. [Maybe it's true that Eren is a Devil but it isn't because he's Eldian.]

I have the power to stop that onslaught, but there's only one way. Others fail to see this.

Negotiation, or one battle - it will delay the inevitable. Those from my home sought to end the conflict for fifty years.

I can't accept that. My people will live long lives in peace. That's what I'm assuring.

[He expects resistence; would almost be disappointed without it.]

It's as simple as it's ever been. You fight, and you win, or you die.

[She's not about to let it go without resistance, it's true. But she does actually listen, at least, and with uncharacteristic thoughtfulness.]

Yeah, you know the funny thing about that? People keep fighting. Sometimes they win. Sometimes they nuke a population from orbit. Sometimes they get everything they fucking want out of the war.

Never been a time when everyone lived all happy and peaceful, though. No matter how many people died for it.

[This, she is aware as she says it, is the same argument they had before. But also...]

Who's your people, anyway? The count the ones who disagree with you?

[Suddenly he doesn't have ears - can't hear anything she's said until the last two questions; can't afford to think that way, maybe, true as it is.

[The real truth is in the people. Paradis suffered when the walls came down as well. Thousands of the people Eren claims to be protecting died, terrified and confused.

[His people are still alive. There's no telling if they'll remain that way, but he intends for them to; he intends for them to kill him in the process.

[But his answer is simple enough.]

Of course I do. They all disagree with me. [Because Floch and the Jaegerists are simply not his concern. They can agree with him all they want - he depended on that for a significant portion of his plan, and they delivered on exactly the manipulation he constructed.

[It's the people who he made a promise to in that cart that matter; only them and a small handful of others.

[They will live long lives in peace. If war begins again once they're gone, he doesn't care.

[He doesn't say that. ~~He's also categorically wrong.~~]

[Her lips thin, until they're almost gone. Her eyes narrow.]

That's not saving them, then. That's just deciding for them what prison they're in.

No. [Instant, low, and firm - a cold and complete shutdown of the sentiment.]

They will live because of me. They will die without me. Don't overcomplicate it. The answer is simple.

You don't get to fucking choose that for them.

[She doesn't yell it. She hisses it, with more venom and less fury than before, her fists white-knuckled.]

I have chosen it.

I've told you already. It's already done. Nothing will stop it now. [He's tried.]

Maybe not, but you could at least be fucking honest about it.

[At last, some tone to his voice, mocking and cruel - angry too. He fails to conceal that part.]

What is this fascination you have with dishonesty? I have told you nothing but the truth. I don't have anything to hide from you. If a world full of people can't stop me, you sure as Hell can't.

So, what is it that you want me to say, exactly? What truth would satisfy you, Bethan? [Shouldn't have told him your name.]

[She snorts, trying to ignore how uncomfortable she is with him throwing her name around (especially with that much venom). He's pissed off. That's something. That makes the mocking easier.]

I don't give a fuck what you're hiding from me, dumbfuck. I just think it's fucking pathetic how hard you're hiding it from you.

Fucking cope, you piece of shit. Quit telling yourself there was anything noble in it. Out here telling yourself this big fucking story where you're the martyr and you gave up your soul for the greater good, like you didn't fuck over your friends just as much as everyone else. It's fucking sad.

[And she would know, she spends half her time trying to convince herself that vigilante justice is righteous praxis and not the violent scapegoating she kind of knows it is.]

[Get control of your face, get control of your voice, let it all devour you, shut up before you let it slip that you still want to be human, if you ever were, and don't give her the goddamn satisfaction - even a crumb of the truth, if you even know the truth at all--

[It's dizzying. The aggression leeches out into something emptier, but it's not a facade; pure, empty misery, as dead and cold as it is - like a light that's been snuffed out. This is the problem. There is never anyone that could understand. It isn't her fault that she can't understand. It would take lifetimes upon lifetimes upon lifetimes to understand, and he's lived them - God, he's lived too goddamn many of them.

[He hasn't spoken in too long, eyes staring through her, past her, but not at anything in particular - not at anything at all. At his side, his hand twists, rolls on his wrist, stretches at the fingers, clasps and unclasps, like someone with a muscle spasm, trying to ease pain.]

I'm not a hero. [It's all he can manage.] I never said that.

[Some twitch on his mouth, like a snarl trying to form, but it dies. He blinks too slow.]

The truth is only what I told you. It will happen. They will live. That's all.

[He sounds tired.] Let it rest, then. Why do you keep fighting?

[You never said that. But neither did I, fuckhead. A martyr isn't necessarily a hero, and if he's not thinking of himself as the latter, she still thinks he's talking about himself as the former.]

[All the more so when she sees that misery on his face, the hollowness in his eyes. It's like looking in a mirror. It does nothing to convince her she's wrong.]

[She doesn't say anything until he does, but she watches him unblinkingly, arms folded, face hard.]

'Cause I don't know how to do anything else.

[That's an easy one, at least.]

And the truth is, you don't give a fuck if they're happy or free, as long as they're alive. That's fucked.

I just want to hear you admit that that's fucked.

[All at once, the eyes reignite, positively blazing.

[It's the emotion Bethan has been searching for, and it's righteous rage. He growls at her:]

That isn't true.

[All he wants - all he's ever wanted - is for them - Them - to be happy. To be free.

[He makes a grab for her collar, yanking.]

You don't know shit about me, and you don't know shit about the people I love. Learn to shut your goddamn mouth, you death wish bitch.

[The thing about death wish bitch is, well, it's true. And the thing about being here, right now, is that there's nothing to stop her from following that death wish. There's no family to pull her back, no permanence to anything. It's like dying in a dream, and she does that all the time.]

[She kind of remembers when he killed her before. For a moment (a very brief one), she hadn't been able to think or feel anything, except pain - pain which had been so intense that it actually felt truly, undeniably real. For a split second, there hadn't been any questions or doubts. In a twisted way, it had felt... good, to die. It had felt exactly like she thought it would, the feeling she had been chasing for years on speeding motorbikes and rooftops and in dark alleyways. Pain and adrenaline washing away everything else, washing away herself. The only downside had been waking back up afterwards.]

[Point being, there's no real threat here. She'll take being killed, or having the shit beaten out of her, over having emotional conversations about the past. This is way less scary than what came before.]

[She laughs in his face.]

Why don't you fucking shut it for me, you self-deluding fuck?

[Eren takes a fucking breath. It's deep.

[Then, he grabs her by the throat with one broad hand, squeezing. He leans in close to her face, eyes boring holes through her skull.]

That would satisfy you, wouldn't it, Bethan? You think you've figured me out. Bloodthirsty. [The pressure on her throat increases.

[His words curl out, pretty and slow.] I know you. Do you think this will be the last time?

[He could break her neck if he wanted to.] I'll be your last sight a thousand times if that's what you want. Killing you means nothing to me--

No, actually. That's wrong.

I enjoy it. [That's a goddamn lie.]

[She meets his eyes, not blinking, even with her face rapidly reddening as the air is choked out of her. As intent as his gaze is, hers is just as much so, and more than a little mad.]

[It's hard to say anything to him, not because she doesn't have a comeback, but because he's really squeezing. It would take a long time of this for her to lose consciousness - her body is already adapting, breathing slow and shallow, tissues lowering oxygen use - but that doesn't mean she can talk.]

[So instead, still grinning that sharp, vicious grin, she flips him the bird with both hands, and then aims a rabbit-punch at his solar plexus.]

[For whatever reason, he isn't expecting her to fight back.

[His fucking mistake. Eren is, at least, in ways, still human, and a solar plexus is a solar plexus. She knocks the fucking wind out of his lungs; now, hers can breathe. He stumbles back, a wheeze rattling through snarling lips--

[Oh, but it's funny, isn't it? He could snap her in half like a goddamn twig, but she's still fighting. He likes that - tastes it with his tongue on his teeth and smiles a sickening, wretched smile.

[It fades fast, but the sentiment lingers. He watches her with a tilt of his head.]

How do you want it, then? [His voice is still strained for air.] You tell me, Bethan.

I'll give it to you. Painful. Painless. All you have to do is ask.

[She shakes herself out, catching her breath, and watches him watching her.]

I want you to quit being such a fucking weirdo creep. Jesus.

You think you're such a fucking badass, don't you?

Do you? [He does not stop watching her.]

I've already told you. We're the same.

Apply the goddamn logic. [That's a decided no. She really hasn't realized that he hates himself yet? He feels like it's pretty goddamn obvious (not so, however).]

We're not the fucking same!

[She probably wouldn't spit it with so much venom if there weren't so much truth in what he's saying.]

I'm not a fucking genocidal murderer!

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cw: fictional racism allusion

cw: non-fictional racism allusion, also various other institutional bigotry

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cw: fictional slurs, fictional racism, genocide

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YOU DID IT BETHAN! YIPPEE!

cw-ing for suicidality again because HOO BOY IT GOT REAL EXPLICIT SUDDENLY

cw: violence, choking, suicidal ideation

me like "i'm SURE i had an icon specifically for this..."

I rolled a dice to see how badly he took this punch - he got a 2

hehehehe

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lmao enjoy this embarrassing eren clip (LMK IF THIS WORKS, we can go the other direction if u want)

nah i'm here for bethan getting her ass kicked again

cw: violence

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hehe lmk if u want this changed, but I thought a little universe-enforced wrap would be drama