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Gordon Porlock | Red Valley Podcast

[goldenbullet]

[A picture and a more spicy picture.

He's not a religious man, but praying Warren doesn't see this. Maybe crossing his fingers too.]

[rephase]

Does he have brains, as well?

[goldenbullet]

I mean if you're asking if he's Einstein, then no, but let's be real none of us are.

He knows a lot of objectively useless information about shit I like so... I'm considering that a yes.

[rephase]

That's just as good, then.

It's nice to have something pleasant to discuss while looking at someone equally pleasant.

What sort of thing do you like?

[goldenbullet]

Yeah...

[Gordon sighs.]

But, do you know how aggravating getting distracted by all those freckles is?

Oh uh, video games, movies... music... like the older stuff, y'know 80's cult classics. It hurts me to say the 90's and early 2000s are old, but lots of stuff from then growing up as kids we geek out about a lot.

[rephase]

I have a similar experience. [ Though not exactly the same, he's content to share that much. ] I hope you tell him so, if you think he'll be receptive. It seems to delight them to be told, even the obvious.

Old is surely relative. To some, Stonehenge is young. And recorded music hasn't been around for long at all. A scant century and change.

[goldenbullet]

I uh... maybe? I don't know. He's got a lot going on and he really doesn't need my bullshit on top of that?

[But maybe this guy is right... maybe telling Warren nice things about himself would be good? Would he even believe it?]

Guess that makes sense in this mishmash of everyone here.

[The weird middle ground of memeland.]

I kinda forget sometimes and then I'm talking to a guy who looks like he lived during when the pyramids were built.

[rephase]

You would know better than I. No one ever accused me of being a matchmaker. Perhaps a mild compliment to test the waters? If you can tell he isn't interested, there's no need to try again. At least until the other things quell themselves.

I am perhaps a little older than the 1980s, it's true. [ Said with no small amount of amusement. ] And like you, I prefer my thoughts to dwell on an era in which I was richly happy, and full of hope and opportunities. The music in the 18th Dynasty of the Old Kingdom was good. But it is not of my boyhood, so to speak.

[goldenbullet]

I'm sure that's fantastic advice, but I've mucked it up shit creek and uh- he saw this. So.

[He would like to crawl under a rock and cease to exist.]

I'm gonna have to take your word on that, man.

...

What was it like? Like uh, drums... lutes? Harps? I feel like some how saying any of that is offensive.

[rephase]

Sometimes action is forced upon us. If it helps, I don't think he would spend time around you at all if he didn't like you as a companion, so the worst that might happen is some awkward failed negotiation...? I'm interested now, keep me updated. [ He's not trying to seem heartless about Gordon's suffering, more like the cool uncle who knows you have to go through some shit before you're OK in the end. ]

Yes, they had all of those. [ A bemused smile. He's not used to anyone trying not to be offensive around him, it's a weird feeling. Most of his mortal conversation prospects immediately start accusing him of being the devil or whatever. ] The harp I liked best was called a 'djedjet'. Perhaps I'll play it for you, sometime.

[goldenbullet]

Well- about that. It's either spend time with me or the two lab lackies or his not wife. Who is an evil scientist by the way.

Look it's... complicated. Needless to say we really only have each other so it's me or nothing.

[Gordon please. Love yourself a wee bit. And admittedly if he ran into his new acquaintance in any normal setting he'd probably be more suspect and weird about everything. Not that he's not weird anyway.]

Oh uh, a what? I mean I'm sure it's very cool sounding. As someone who also plays a stringed instrument, I'd actually like to hear it.

[rephase]

[ Sorry he's instantly interested in that. ] 'Evil scientist'? [ Or perhaps he should have intoned 'evil' scientist, because: ] What makes her evil?

Oh, I don't know about that. Isn't it possible that he could choose solitude, if you were truly such a poor choice? I am quite content with my own company, for much of the time.

Twenty two strings, it rests on the shoulder... [ It isn't his favorite instrument of all time but it's up there. He quirks a smile at this further unexpected kinship. ] What do you play?

[goldenbullet]

What doesn't make her evil!

[Okay okay, maybe he's biased.]

She's the lead scientist in a wildly inhumane and definitely highly illegal experiment that uses living humans. While they technically consent to the experiments, they're taking convicts who are already in a shit situation and putting them into a fucking machine that freezes them like a popsicle. In theory living human popsicles, but every single person that's been put through it has ended up either human slushie when defrosted or shatter like goddamn china plates. The only person who's not died during the process is Warren.

[The cute ginger he likes.]

But it's not like that's a good thing. Warren doesn't die after being unpopsicled, but he loses like two whole years of his memories and instead of being normal about figuring out why or maybe helping him get his memories back- oh no, no no. Bryony, the evil scientist lady, decides for some insane reason that pretending to be Warren's wife out in the normal world and keeping an eye on him to see if he- oh I don't know, changes or reacts badly after some time- and yeah yeah. She does this for god... almost a year I think? It's literally insane. Then we found out and they just... they just put him back in the damn machine, froze him again. Hypersleep it's called.

[Gordon sighs, heavy, he feels like he's said so much but nothing at all. There's SO MUCH more to all of this, he's barely explained anything.]

I guess... the thing that rubs me the wrong way the most about her is she just. Doesn't fucking care. She doesn't care that doing this she's killing people, even if they may have been shit people it's- that should still matter! Warren matters and she keeps putting him in that fucking machine and it's killing him! Slowly, but it is and I have to just. Watch.

[That was a whole lot more than his new er friend probably expected to get for an answer.]

...

[Oh right. Instruments. Ahem. Gordon rubs at his face, pushing his glasses up before breathing out through his nose.]

A um, bass guitar.

[kontinued]

[ Guess who sees this. ]

Gordon?

1/2

[goldenbullet]

[SHOULD HAVE PRAYED HARDER!]

2/2

[goldenbullet]

W-Warren! Uh- heeeeey...

[kontinued]

[ He's pretty sure his face can't get any redder. ]

Heeeey...

[ A-awkward laugh. ]

[goldenbullet]

[This is literally the most embarrassing thing. Please just- don't perceive him or any of this. Pretend you didn't see any of this!]

Hahaha... ha... oh my goooooood.

[Don't mind him covering his face with his hands. Any words he says next are a little muffled.]

You weren't supposed to see this!

[kontinued]

[ It's too late! He can never unsee! He has perceived! The worst part is he can't get his face to go back to a normal shade, or that his mouth is suddenly so fucking dry. His heart also won't stop pounding against his fucking chest he is most certainly going to die RIP. ]

Er, yeah, sorry - I uh. Haha...

Yeah.

[ Kill him now please. ]

[goldenbullet]

[Gordon hates this so much, he feels so nervous and sweaty and ugh. Yet there's that awkward smile because of said nerves.]

Wh-Why the hell are you apologizing?

[His hands move down to his chest, to emphasize his next words.]

I should be apologizing! I've made things incredibly fucking weird for you! For me! Oh Jesus... augh...

[kontinued]

[ He's apologizing because he doesn't know what else to say give him a break! ]

No, no - it's. It's fine, haha. [ Why can't he stop this awful laugh of his? ] T-this doesn't have to be weird, right?

[ It's weird. It's so weird. But probably not for the reason Gordon thinks, which makes it weirder! How is he supposed to deal with this? Shouldn't he be...happier? Why does he feel himself slowly spiraling into a panic?! ]

[goldenbullet]

Is it fine?

[His voice pitches higher, his nerves getting the best of him.]

Look you can just pretend you never saw this, just forget it. It totally doesn't have to be weird!

[Warren has already forgotten enough in his life, Gordon.]

[kontinued]

It's not weird! Well, a little weird - er only because I - uh, I just didn't expect - I mean...I'm not exactly "oh he's really attractive" type?

[ Because clearly this is just about Gordon thinking he's attractive and nothing more, right? ]

[goldenbullet]

Hey I never said that- I mean you are- look that's not the point! Just it's, it's nothing.

[This is the worst thing ever. Or at least he thinks it is. Warren isn't freaking out or yelling or even angry, this is honestly the best response to this he could get!]

I mean it's totally not weird for guys to find their friends attractive.

[Ehh... not weird, no, but...]

[kontinued]

It's so not weird.

[ Weird definitely isn't the word. But whatever the word is, it makes him feel weird, but it's not that kind of weird? ]

I mean I think you're - er, and that's not weird either! It's just - it's normal, is what I'm saying. It's all very normal! It just feels weird. But it's not!

[ Someone put him back on ice, please. ]