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1. Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
2. Blood and glitter go together, right?
3. 16 and pregnant actually makes me very happy that I'm gay.
4. I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk.
5. It's not ok to announce to a group of people that a man put his finger in your butt last night. I now know this.
2. Blood and glitter go together, right?
3. 16 and pregnant actually makes me very happy that I'm gay.
4. I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk.
5. It's not ok to announce to a group of people that a man put his finger in your butt last night. I now know this.
1. thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. indeed it was a good call.
2. i just put together something from ikea as a 1000 year old from heian japan so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
3. you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat potato chips? am i the only one who sees something wrong with this?
4. no I'm not lying to you. i'm just not telling you the whole story. there's a massive difference.
5. text him
Edited 2022-06-17 18:54 (UTC)
1. Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
2. There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
3. the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
4. I think I fell in love with him when I saw him kick a demon in the chest.
5. please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
2. There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
3. the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
4. I think I fell in love with him when I saw him kick a demon in the chest.
5. please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
1.) Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread, you can knock them unconscious?
2.) Don’t worry about what happened. Just know that you’re a very cute drunk.
3.) I have six voicemails from you, and none of them explain what you want from me.
4.) I am like 90% wine at the moment.
2.) Don’t worry about what happened. Just know that you’re a very cute drunk.
3.) I have six voicemails from you, and none of them explain what you want from me.
4.) I am like 90% wine at the moment.
1.You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
2. The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
3. Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
4. It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
5. Text him!
2. The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
3. Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
4. It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
5. Text him!
1: Is it still going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex?
2: Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning?
3: You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
4: Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
5: And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
6: [pick a card, any card]
2: Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning?
3: You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
4: Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
5: And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
6: [pick a card, any card]
- 1. I didn't realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills.
2. Don't thank me. Stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
3. I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in three minutes.
4. You misunderstood me. I wasn't asking and it is not negotiable.
5. ( text him! )
1) You insisted upon attempting to highlight me, claiming that I was "important to remember".
2) I attempted to walk the line between being mean, but not so much so that you would refuse me in bed. It would seem that my grasp on nuance requires some work.
3) I am looking directly at you. Get off of the roof.
4) Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
5) Read 7:15 pm
6) ( text him! misfires and assumed cr are very welcome )
2) I attempted to walk the line between being mean, but not so much so that you would refuse me in bed. It would seem that my grasp on nuance requires some work.
3) I am looking directly at you. Get off of the roof.
4) Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
5) Read 7:15 pm
6) ( text him! misfires and assumed cr are very welcome )
1. is it weird to booty call u frm my hospital bed
2. just move in w me, i wanted to get a cat. youre kind of the same thing.
3. he's in bed with me rn. im wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. and pizza.
4. bc "bed time" is my sex playlist. If ur trying to fall asleep use "nap time" ♡
5. text him
1.) I have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...I don't feel like doing shit.
2.) Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked.
3.) Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I don't need words, just a response of any sort.
4.) fhshhnaraghfajkrhghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
2.) Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked.
3.) Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I don't need words, just a response of any sort.
4.) fhshhnaraghfajkrhghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
[ Info + permissions in journal. TLDR; 60+ year old Parisian lawyer who hates his job, loves jazz and good food, handsome men and talking about himself. ]
01. Didn't you know I had a knack for poetic language and carnage?
02. All the nice things you said about me were wholly uncalled for.
03. If there's a moral hidden in all of this, I'm too old to look for it.
wildcard. Text him! Misfires, etc. welcome.
01. Didn't you know I had a knack for poetic language and carnage?
02. All the nice things you said about me were wholly uncalled for.
03. If there's a moral hidden in all of this, I'm too old to look for it.
wildcard. Text him! Misfires, etc. welcome.
1. He saw my "I like bacon" magnet on the fridge and I told him how much I love meat, then we started making out.
2. Everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos.
3. Sitting on the counter and listening to music is seriously underrated.
4. Got thrown out of a bar for throwing my shoe. Can you go get it for me?
5. I caught a turtle and named him Squirt!
6. Text him!
2. Everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos.
3. Sitting on the counter and listening to music is seriously underrated.
4. Got thrown out of a bar for throwing my shoe. Can you go get it for me?
5. I caught a turtle and named him Squirt!
6. Text him!
1. Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at on the job and she's my boss.
2. i black out too much to be "responsible"
3. Hookers taste better with whip cream
4. you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on the piano.
5. I just found a receipt from ace hardware where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
6. i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my man titties, and charged people to motorboat me..... i woke up with 267$ in my pocket
7. wildcard!
2. i black out too much to be "responsible"
3. Hookers taste better with whip cream
4. you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on the piano.
5. I just found a receipt from ace hardware where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
6. i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my man titties, and charged people to motorboat me..... i woke up with 267$ in my pocket
7. wildcard!
1. We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
2. So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
3. I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
4. Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
5. Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
6. wildcard!
2. So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
3. I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
4. Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
5. Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
6. wildcard!
1. No, drunk sperm still make babies.
2. If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
3. You told us you had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
4. I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
5. Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
6. wildcard!
2. If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
3. You told us you had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
4. I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
5. Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
6. wildcard!
1. I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was “pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now.”
2. Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk. Remember that one.
3. Is this your way of breaking up with me as your wingman?
4. Just because I’m not working for Heaven anymore doesn’t mean I need to tell you about my sex life.
Which is fantastic by the way.
5. Judging by the hole in the wall in the door, the mismatched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off by one hinge… I’d say he’s on the loose.
6. [or text him!]
2. Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk. Remember that one.
3. Is this your way of breaking up with me as your wingman?
4. Just because I’m not working for Heaven anymore doesn’t mean I need to tell you about my sex life.
Which is fantastic by the way.
5. Judging by the hole in the wall in the door, the mismatched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off by one hinge… I’d say he’s on the loose.
6. [or text him!]
[bio + potential tw.]
1) And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
2) Drunk karaoke resulted in only eight injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
3) He consented to nachos, beer and board game date. Keeper.
4) Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
5) Text Janet.
1) And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
2) Drunk karaoke resulted in only eight injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
3) He consented to nachos, beer and board game date. Keeper.
4) Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
5) Text Janet.
( 01 ) it's such a huge turn-on when you pretend you don't know me!
( 02 ) anyway, so there i was, surrounded by chocobos
wait wrong person, sorry
( 03 ) you could always hire me to kill him. i take commissions.
( 04 ) hey, quick question: what the fuck is wrong with you
( 05 ) my office is strictly off limits. i don't want to explain you to anybody i work with. you're an embarrassment.
( 06 ) no, the deal was i'd put out if you buy me food. i never said anything about a "date"
( 02 ) anyway, so there i was, surrounded by chocobos
wait wrong person, sorry
( 03 ) you could always hire me to kill him. i take commissions.
( 04 ) hey, quick question: what the fuck is wrong with you
( 05 ) my office is strictly off limits. i don't want to explain you to anybody i work with. you're an embarrassment.
( 06 ) no, the deal was i'd put out if you buy me food. i never said anything about a "date"
i. Thanks for the gift, but why are the batteries dead already? Did you use this?
ii. Sorry for losing it when you stole the last fry. I was really hungry.
iii. Apparently we broke up. I didn't even know we were together.
iv. Can you please keep your daddy issues in check next time we make out?
v. What is... "dtf"?
ii. Sorry for losing it when you stole the last fry. I was really hungry.
iii. Apparently we broke up. I didn't even know we were together.
iv. Can you please keep your daddy issues in check next time we make out?
v. What is... "dtf"?
1. whos birth control is under my pillow?
2. i quit life. hopper pulled me over on my way to work, had my car towed, and dropped me off at work in a cop car
3. the police scanner is talking about you again
4. i found a bar with metallica and a fire eater. im home
5. [text him/misfires]
2. i quit life. hopper pulled me over on my way to work, had my car towed, and dropped me off at work in a cop car
3. the police scanner is talking about you again
4. i found a bar with metallica and a fire eater. im home
5. [text him/misfires]
Edited 2022-06-17 20:06 (UTC)
1. Just because I tried to backhand you with a fistful of cash does not make me violent.
2. Not only did I show you my boobs, I also showed you my mental illness.
3. Sorry I've been distant lately it's because I've been distant lately.
4. Text her.
1. He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
2. Yeah at one point I was listening to Metallica and doing pushups last night. I went through a lot of emotions.
3. There is no way you’re desperate enough to pay your dealer in change.
4. I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one.
5. Text him
2. Yeah at one point I was listening to Metallica and doing pushups last night. I went through a lot of emotions.
3. There is no way you’re desperate enough to pay your dealer in change.
4. I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one.
5. Text him
a)tricked the nurse into giving me painkillers. it's like being rewarded my favorite candy. Trick or treat mother fucker!
b)The sun and I aren't on speaking terms this morning.
c))i'm making poor life decisions again. tune in tomorrow to see how much i hate life.
d)I just want to get extremely high and marathon "Love Island. "
e)It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
f) Open
b)The sun and I aren't on speaking terms this morning.
c))i'm making poor life decisions again. tune in tomorrow to see how much i hate life.
d)I just want to get extremely high and marathon "Love Island. "
e)It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
f) Open
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