[God, the euphoria of all this is... beyond relief, beyond redemption... Hikaru feels like he's purging everything bad, everything toxic, just lie after lie after lie that he's had to tell. He's getting rid of it. He's cleaning himself from the inside out. If Touya will allow them to, they can start over with each other. They can meet each other for the first time all over again. They can hit up the Go salon together and they can play each other until they're sick of it, which will never happen, ever, because they both love playing each other too much. And, if he can ask for anything else, anything at all, it would be for Touya to continue looking at him, just like this, like this, for a long time to come. Like he's something valuable. Irreplaceable. Not Fujiwara-no-Sai, but irreplaceable anyway.
It's almost too good to be true. It probably is. He should do something to rein himself back in, to temper his expectations, which is why he says,] I know that's what you said. I remember that. I'll never forget that. But... I thought, you know, you deserved way better than that, after everything, and... if I could just play more like he did, I bet it'd make you happy, and other people happy, too. That's what I thought, and I thought I could make it happen. [But Touya is already searching through the kifu again, in pursuit of something else, so Hikaru falls quiet and waits for whatever it is. Every molecule in his body feels like it's humming, finally in tune, not a single note discordant. He can feel the full extent of his fingers, too, when they squeeze around the handle of his fan. Not just faraway prickling and a chill. Real flesh and bone. He exists.
And then:
Mourning?
Hikaru looks back at Touya skeptically, like that doesn't make much sense to him.] No, that was... before, when I quit before, that was when what happened to Sai, happened, and... yeah, I was pretty fucked up about it, and it wasn't like I could... [All of the sudden, the words are starting to come without his permission, faster and faster. It's like being on a roller coaster and not knowing when it's going to stop.] I had no one I could tell about it, and I didn't understand, why, he, uhm... [Now his smile is starting to blur away. His eyes retain their lively, crystalline quality, at least, wider than ever, but he can't get his mouth to do more than grimace.] I got over it, I should have, I thought I was over it, but then... but I wasn't, improving, as much, and I couldn't figure out why Sai had chosen me, and then Ko Yeong-ha--
[He can tell he isn't making much sense anymore, but he can't stop the words from coming out. This is all about getting the poison out of his body: a finger down his throat, a swallow of ipecac, salt water and mustard, just whatever will expel every secret.]
If I had been Sai, I wouldn't have lost to him, not in a thousand fucking years, but I did lose, and that's when I realized... [He's still so happy that Touya is sharing this with him, but he's starting to cry again, breaking down in real time, reaching up to cover his eyes.] I'm never really going to see him again, because I can't--my Go isn't--! I'm just not good enough, Touya! And I still don't know why he chose me! I just w-wa--wanted to know w-why, it was me, out of everyone...!
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It's almost too good to be true. It probably is. He should do something to rein himself back in, to temper his expectations, which is why he says,] I know that's what you said. I remember that. I'll never forget that. But... I thought, you know, you deserved way better than that, after everything, and... if I could just play more like he did, I bet it'd make you happy, and other people happy, too. That's what I thought, and I thought I could make it happen. [But Touya is already searching through the kifu again, in pursuit of something else, so Hikaru falls quiet and waits for whatever it is. Every molecule in his body feels like it's humming, finally in tune, not a single note discordant. He can feel the full extent of his fingers, too, when they squeeze around the handle of his fan. Not just faraway prickling and a chill. Real flesh and bone. He exists.
And then:
Mourning?
Hikaru looks back at Touya skeptically, like that doesn't make much sense to him.] No, that was... before, when I quit before, that was when what happened to Sai, happened, and... yeah, I was pretty fucked up about it, and it wasn't like I could... [All of the sudden, the words are starting to come without his permission, faster and faster. It's like being on a roller coaster and not knowing when it's going to stop.] I had no one I could tell about it, and I didn't understand, why, he, uhm... [Now his smile is starting to blur away. His eyes retain their lively, crystalline quality, at least, wider than ever, but he can't get his mouth to do more than grimace.] I got over it, I should have, I thought I was over it, but then... but I wasn't, improving, as much, and I couldn't figure out why Sai had chosen me, and then Ko Yeong-ha--
[He can tell he isn't making much sense anymore, but he can't stop the words from coming out. This is all about getting the poison out of his body: a finger down his throat, a swallow of ipecac, salt water and mustard, just whatever will expel every secret.]
If I had been Sai, I wouldn't have lost to him, not in a thousand fucking years, but I did lose, and that's when I realized... [He's still so happy that Touya is sharing this with him, but he's starting to cry again, breaking down in real time, reaching up to cover his eyes.] I'm never really going to see him again, because I can't--my Go isn't--! I'm just not good enough, Touya! And I still don't know why he chose me! I just w-wa--wanted to know w-why, it was me, out of everyone...!