maliceaforesock (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
maliceaforesock) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
bakerstreet2017-05-12 07:18 am
maliceaforesock) wrote in bakerstreet2017-05-12 07:18 am
Entry tags:
1. I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
2. Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
3. No. My dick is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
4. what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
5. TEXT HIM
2. Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
3. No. My dick is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
4. what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
5. TEXT HIM
1. I would steal a car
2. Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
3. Just almost drowned myself in the shower again.
4. I stole his identity.
5. TEXT HER.
2. Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
3. Just almost drowned myself in the shower again.
4. I stole his identity.
5. TEXT HER.
1. I'm eating animal crackers on my bed writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
2. So you stole a kayak?
3. is it necessary to steal the whole car?
4. Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
5. TEXT HIM
2. So you stole a kayak?
3. is it necessary to steal the whole car?
4. Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
5. TEXT HIM
1. i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
2. I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
3. I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
4. feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
5. TEXT HIM
2. I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
3. I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
4. feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
5. TEXT HIM
1. Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
2. the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
3. Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
4. Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
5. text him!
2. the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
3. Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
4. Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
5. text him!
1. Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk!
2. I am available for nakedness
3. Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
4. Text the idiot
2. I am available for nakedness
3. Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
4. Text the idiot
1. I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
2. Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
3. You've been saying that for years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
4. I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
5. TEXT HER
2. Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
3. You've been saying that for years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
4. I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
5. TEXT HER
- 1. come over. we can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
2. I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase "here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars..."
3. you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so I drank them for you. don't say I'm not a good friend.
4. I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
5. ( text him! )
( one ) last I saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir.
( two ) What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? Be one hell of a way to go but not the point.
( three ) 'Full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
- 1. Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow.
2. My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
3. They have pregnancy tests at the dollar store. I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
4. I'm starting therapy this week. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore.
5. ( text her! )
1. does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
2. Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
3. #1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
4. You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
5. How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
2. Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
3. #1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
4. You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
5. How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
( one ) The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' of them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
( two ) You tried to convince us all that you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
( three ) I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
1. i take joy in having bigger boobs than others /(ㅇㅅㅇ❀)\
2. It's 2187 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
3. Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
4. I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
2. It's 2187 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
3. Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
4. I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
1. Did you finish that glass of scotch off the side?
2. I may have made a mistake
3. It's not MY fault he wears all his embarrassing secrets like a dodgy tie. An arrest was a bit much
4. bleeding. won though 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻🎉🎉🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻👊🏻
5. Just won £50 from an idiot, do you want a drink 🍻
OR text him
2. I may have made a mistake
3. It's not MY fault he wears all his embarrassing secrets like a dodgy tie. An arrest was a bit much
4. bleeding. won though 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻🎉🎉🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻👊🏻
5. Just won £50 from an idiot, do you want a drink 🍻
OR text him
1. Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
2. You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
3. I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
4. You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
2. You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
3. I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
4. You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
1. you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier.
2. extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry.
3. you're never gonna guess whose blood is on my shirt.
4. congrats! its a fuck boy!
5. i once took a shot of lighter fluid. that's not a secret just a fucked up story.
2. extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry.
3. you're never gonna guess whose blood is on my shirt.
4. congrats! its a fuck boy!
5. i once took a shot of lighter fluid. that's not a secret just a fucked up story.
1; Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
2; We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
3; Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
2; We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
3; Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
oo1. do you ever go through someone else's pictures and just appreciate the fact that you're not really friends with them?
oo2. the lawn was on fire, but I fixed it
oo3. this beer is not sobering me up at all
oo4. when you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know what's up
oo5. you supply the liquor and I'll 'accidentally' forget my bathing suit
or text him!
1. I'm not going to swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
2. There are too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
3. You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
4. You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of Fruit Loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
5. Text him!
2. There are too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
3. You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
4. You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of Fruit Loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
5. Text him!
Edited 2017-05-12 12:50 (UTC)
1. I've punched too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10.30pm
2. This is why I'm not allowed in pet stores anymore.
3. At least you didn't electrocute yourself again this time?
4. He has a tattoo on his inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after he passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
5. I'm honestly pretty terrified she's going to hack my facebook and see all the shameful things I've said over the years.
2. This is why I'm not allowed in pet stores anymore.
3. At least you didn't electrocute yourself again this time?
4. He has a tattoo on his inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after he passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
5. I'm honestly pretty terrified she's going to hack my facebook and see all the shameful things I've said over the years.
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