[the distance and the surrealism of the situation increases. while it's easy, instinctive, for Kaz to love someone else, the idea of being loved in return is... strange. it's not because he somehow considers himself unlovable. it's not because no one's ever said it to him before-- plenty of girls have, a few he's dated, a few that just got caught up in the moment, none of whom had seen for a second any part of Kaz he didn't want them to see. it's strange because to truly love someone and have it mean anything, you have to know them, have seen the core of who they are.]
[and Boss does know him like that, or did then. he'd seen who Kaz really was, and had known the most fundamental part of what made Kaz himself, and loved that. it's strange, realizing that those words coming from Boss carried weight and meant something.]
[but something clicks into place in his chest, and it hurts a little less.]
[he wonders if he's hallucinating, and none of this is real, because that'd somehow be easier to deal with than the real, in-the-flesh Big Boss telling him everything he's ever wanted to hear, that he'd never wanted to abandon anyone and he loves him and wants to protect him. life doesn't work that way. people don't work that way. so it's not real, can't be. but Kaz will go along with it anyway.]
[and then he laughs. it's low, and genuine, and not wracked with sobs this time, but it's still not really the appropriate emotion at the moment. but it's so funny, that they'd been in love with each other the entire time and neither one of them had nutted up and said anything at all. it was so obvious looking back, wasn't it? had it been obvious to everyone else, too? would it have made those nine years more painful, or less, knowing that the feelings he'd never given voice to were returned?]
Was I that obvious about it? I thought I was being pretty convincingly platonic.
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[and Boss does know him like that, or did then. he'd seen who Kaz really was, and had known the most fundamental part of what made Kaz himself, and loved that. it's strange, realizing that those words coming from Boss carried weight and meant something.]
[but something clicks into place in his chest, and it hurts a little less.]
[he wonders if he's hallucinating, and none of this is real, because that'd somehow be easier to deal with than the real, in-the-flesh Big Boss telling him everything he's ever wanted to hear, that he'd never wanted to abandon anyone and he loves him and wants to protect him. life doesn't work that way. people don't work that way. so it's not real, can't be. but Kaz will go along with it anyway.]
[and then he laughs. it's low, and genuine, and not wracked with sobs this time, but it's still not really the appropriate emotion at the moment. but it's so funny, that they'd been in love with each other the entire time and neither one of them had nutted up and said anything at all. it was so obvious looking back, wasn't it? had it been obvious to everyone else, too? would it have made those nine years more painful, or less, knowing that the feelings he'd never given voice to were returned?]
Was I that obvious about it? I thought I was being pretty convincingly platonic.