[ He’s not sure what’s coming when TJ takes his face between his hands. There’s something about it, the way he’s holding him, maybe, or the quiet with which he’s studying him, that warns against Steve opening his mouth and blurting out a question or a comment or anything else that might ruin the moment. It’s a little heavier, the look in TJ’s eyes, than he’s expecting from the earlier attempts at levity, but he bites his tongue and waits, wanting to hear what he has to say even if his silence prompts a faint thread of anxiety to coil through Steve’s stomach.
The reassurance is unexpected. So much so that it knocks loose a breath, a tiny little huff of an exhale that Steve had been holding without quite consciously realizing that he’d been doing it. He knows that. At least, he knows that TJ would never deliberately, maliciously do something like that to him. There’s a part of him that still doesn’t trust the clubs TJ frequents, the friends that he associates with, the availability of alcohol and drugs that can make a very bad idea seem like such a good one in the moment. But even he knows that that’s borrowing trouble, that that’s trying to control something he has no control over and that he can’t do that.
Just like he can’t ask TJ why, if it doesn’t mean anything, he doesn’t stop flirting. Those six words—it's part of who I am—prevent him from going down that road. He wouldn’t ask TJ to change himself for him, wouldn’t want him to. This is just a part of him that he’s going to have to make peace with, and soon, he thinks, before it comes between them. ]
I understand. [ One side of his mouth turns up slightly, an echo of TJ’s shrug, as he flexes his fingers over his back. Just once. Just a brief back and forth motion over his shirt. ] And I will speak up if something starts bothering me.
[ But he hopes that it won’t come to that. That he’ll be able to work on himself, and on mastering the flashes of jealousy that he shoot through him sometimes, enough that it won’t come to that. TJ should be free to be who he is without Steve stifling to spare himself some hurt feelings. ]
I guess I’m just letting the past influence me more than it should. And that’s my fault. Not yours. I’m sorry for that. For putting you through that. It’s not fair and I’m going to work to stop doing it.
no subject
The reassurance is unexpected. So much so that it knocks loose a breath, a tiny little huff of an exhale that Steve had been holding without quite consciously realizing that he’d been doing it. He knows that. At least, he knows that TJ would never deliberately, maliciously do something like that to him. There’s a part of him that still doesn’t trust the clubs TJ frequents, the friends that he associates with, the availability of alcohol and drugs that can make a very bad idea seem like such a good one in the moment. But even he knows that that’s borrowing trouble, that that’s trying to control something he has no control over and that he can’t do that.
Just like he can’t ask TJ why, if it doesn’t mean anything, he doesn’t stop flirting. Those six words—it's part of who I am—prevent him from going down that road. He wouldn’t ask TJ to change himself for him, wouldn’t want him to. This is just a part of him that he’s going to have to make peace with, and soon, he thinks, before it comes between them. ]
I understand. [ One side of his mouth turns up slightly, an echo of TJ’s shrug, as he flexes his fingers over his back. Just once. Just a brief back and forth motion over his shirt. ] And I will speak up if something starts bothering me.
[ But he hopes that it won’t come to that. That he’ll be able to work on himself, and on mastering the flashes of jealousy that he shoot through him sometimes, enough that it won’t come to that. TJ should be free to be who he is without Steve stifling to spare himself some hurt feelings. ]
I guess I’m just letting the past influence me more than it should. And that’s my fault. Not yours. I’m sorry for that. For putting you through that. It’s not fair and I’m going to work to stop doing it.