[Except that if Sam knew what he was thinking half the time, he was sure he wouldn't be saying any of this, let alone want him around. John felt trapped and desperate...
It's not the smartest move, but it is the one he thought would ensure him getting kicked out by Sam or Dean. Maybe both, because no doubt they'll both be disgusted by him. It would make Sam stop looking at him like that, make him stop practically begging at least.
So that's why he leaned in and kissed Sam roughly, ignoring the stab of guilt and disgust for giving into it. He was being a selfish bastard again. He just wanted this before he had to leave.
Just this one kiss and that'd be enough and it'd show Sam why he needed to leave.]
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It's not the smartest move, but it is the one he thought would ensure him getting kicked out by Sam or Dean. Maybe both, because no doubt they'll both be disgusted by him. It would make Sam stop looking at him like that, make him stop practically begging at least.
So that's why he leaned in and kissed Sam roughly, ignoring the stab of guilt and disgust for giving into it. He was being a selfish bastard again. He just wanted this before he had to leave.
Just this one kiss and that'd be enough and it'd show Sam why he needed to leave.]