bakerstreet | show and tell

[Five years pass. They have one night together, and it's mostly filled with talking and laughing rather than passion and six times. And then they have to go their separate ways again; Jim back to exploring the stars and Carol back to Earth for a debriefing. The second separation is harder than the first one. She tried so hard, before, to forget about it that he sort of slipped away from her. When she saw him again, a swashbuckling character, all those feelings and some new ones hit her. Carol forgot how reckless he was, how benevolent he was; she always liked that about him. Liked that he could be so emotional, yet pragmatic about things. She just likes everything about him, and for perhaps the first time in her life, she cries over someone.

They depart and two and a half years pass. In San Francisco, Carol is sitting on a bench in a park while some kids cry and yell in fount of her on the playground. Besides a shorter haircut, she looks the same as she did before. She has a PADD in her hands, but she's more interested in watching the children play and run around. There's a sort of soft, secret smile on her face, as if she knows all the answers to life.]

[Kirk wears his command easily now. It's been his for nearly a decade and there have been some truly, terrible times. Times where he didn't think they were going to make it, that he'd bet wrong and the fates had finally had enough of it. He's broken all of his ribs more than once and a few of his fingers and he's been socked by Bones for scaring the shit out of him more times than he can count.

But it's been good, over all. They've done a lot of good work and these people, especially his senior crew are closer to him now than he's ever been to his real family. Enterprise is docked at Jupiter station, for a long overdue rehaul of her warp engines. They're on leave for six weeks and he has actually finished all of his meetings until it's time to head out again.

The only reason he's in the park at all is because it's the shortest route between his apartment and this restaurant that he's meeting Scotty at for lunch... a late lunch. He actually walks past her, before he stops and it registers and decides it's worth a backtrack to find out. Carol could be called the longest term relationship he's had, in the sense that there aren't any other women that he's hooked up with over several years and not just like, a few months. And he doesn't want to avoid her. Because they're friends and they sleep together sometimes and it's a good thing.]

... Carol?

[She's so absorbed in watching the kids play that she doesn't register someone calling her name until a few moments afterwards. There's a mixture of shock, elation, and a little bit of fear in her expression at the sight of Jim. Her happiness overrides any warnings when she stands and moves to hug him, grinning widely.]

Oh god, hi Jim.

[Carol never thought she'd see him again and it's so nice to see him and be in his arms again that she doesn't realise she's hugging him until a few seconds into it. She pulls away, a sheepish look and a faint blush ghosting her cheeks.] Uh, sorry. It's nice to see you again, that's all.

[She then clears her throat, trying to regain her composure.] How are you, Jim?

Edited 2013-01-22 16:50 (UTC)

[He's not opposed to hugs, so that's perfectly alright. Jim grins back at her, returning her hug tightly. The fates apparently aren't sick of him and his antics and are rewarding with him with a chance encounter with an old friend.

Funny, how he still can make her blush and how much he likes that.]

Can't complain. [He definitely looks older now. There's lines at the corners of his eyes but they're mostly laugh lines.]

How about you?

[He doesn't look that much older to her. Well, not much older than what's expected with the captain of a ship that sees more trouble in a month than the entire fleet in a year.

Carol moves a hand over her cheek to hide the blush.] I'm great, actually. No attacks from Klingons recently -- [Then there's a yell of "Mommy!" and a little girl of about the age of two with a mop of light brown curls comes running (more like quickly waddling) to Carol. She turns her head to her and a grin perhaps wider than when she saw Jim spreads across her mouth.] There's my little darling.

[Carol crotches down with open arms and gathers her up. A frown creases her face as she stands and turns back to Jim, while the little girl gives him a sharp, knowing, wide-eyed expression.]

Uh, Jim, this is my daughter, Dorothy. This is Captain Kirk, Dorothy. [God, this is so awkward, uncomfortable, and tense.]

[Mommy.

Awkward and uncomfortable, ha. That's probably entirely due to the fact that Kirk is staring at the two of them but to be fair, that kid was staring at him first. It shouldn't shock him so much, that Carol has a kid, because you know, it's been a few years and she's allowed to live her life. If her life involves settling down and having a kid, then so be it. She's a big girl. Maybe he never thought she was that kind of girl but people change. No judgement.

Except there's no ring on her finger and that's telling.

Oh God this can't be his--]

... pleasure. [Do you shake hands with toddlers? He doesn't think so. And besides, what if her hands are sticky?]

You have a daughter. That's... so weird.

Edited 2013-01-23 00:23 (UTC)

[It would be awkward and uncomfortable even if he wasn't staring. That's... so weird. Honestly, Carol wasn't expecting him to say that. Then again, she never expected for him to find out this way or this early. Maybe in twenty years, when something so big is happening that it dwarves this.

Also, that totally makes her roll her eyes and massage her temple with her free hand because jesus...

While her mom is distracted with her headache, Dorothy reaches out with a sticky hand to touch his face. Her fingertips barely brush against his cheek before she starts fussing enough that Carol sets her down. She runs off to tell her friends that her daddy is the greatest.]

Weird? What is that supposed to mean?

[Twenty years, you wouldn't even dare do that to him.

Why is this kid trying to touch his face? Why did kids always do weird things like that? It's not that Kirk doesn't like children, he just... doesn't deal with them very much. Hasn't since he was one, really. Yes fine, he acts like a five year old but no five year old should do some of things he does. He doesn't know what to say to them half the time.

He's pointedly not thinking about how Dorothy has his coloring.]

I didn't think you were settling down the last time I saw you.

[Right now, it sounds like a good idea.

What does Jim expect kids to do? They learn and experience the world through touching. So, then it probably wouldn't help to tell him that Dorothy's a lot like him and loves the colour gold.

Carol lets out an annoyed sigh. Jim's not really getting the whole point of this. Regardless of how she was two and a half years ago, she's a different person now. Having a child has calmed her, has matured her, and has made her more caring. Even so, she kind of wants to flip him off right now.]

Are you also surprised that there are no Klingons around?

Sometimes. [Excuse you, you'd be just as surprised if he was spending the day in the park with his toddler too.

Jim looks at her for a moment before dropping his gaze to the ground. He wants to ask, but he isn't really sure if he wants to know the answer. Maybe the fates do hate him after all.]

How old is she?

[If he spent the day in the park with his toddler, Bones owes her a twenty.

Her voice is quiet and she turns to watching Dorothy on the playground again.] Two.

[Carol supposes she feels a bit guilty about this. There was so many times she wanted to call him, but she always talked herself out of it. She knew he wouldn't react well, and that's what prevented her from calling. Jim's not exactly family material and that ultimately stopped him from knowing sooner. She lets out a soft sigh.] Before you ask, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to feel any obligation towards us.

[Why the hell are you and Bones betting about him?]

You didn't want--[Kirk cuts himself off with a sharp sigh. Because it's one thing to be told by your friend with benefits in so many words that her kid is your kid too. He's always.. expected this to happen to him in some way someday. Given the rate he goes through partners, it was just a matter of time. But he usually figured the girl would still be pregnant and it wouldn't be years later.

He's mad. He's mad because she didn't tell him, and it's not like he was hard to find. He's been on the same ship for the last two years. He's mad because he doesn't think he's ever really wanted to be father, because he has no idea how to be one. He's mad because he grew up without his dad, and it sucked and he would never wish that on anyone. And he's mad because there's a Jim Kirk out there somewhere whose father watched him take command of the Enterprise, which isn't really Carol's fault but it's still not fair.]

Tell me you're kidding.

[It was more made out of irony to diffuse the awkward situation between them.

Carol scowls at his tone of voice. She really wants to tell him off because it's not as if he wanted any of this anyways. He always looked like he was about ready to bolt anytime she said anything remotely related to "relationships", so why would she tell him in the first place? They're in a public park unfortunately and Carol has a little more tact than he does, so she won't tell him off here. Instead her voice simmers with anger and she's really trying to put up a happy, brave front, in case Dorothy is watching.

She lightly snorts, folding her arms across her chest.] Oh please. If I had told you earlier, would that have changed anything? Were we in a relationship? Were we ever going to be? You have your life, and I have mine.

[Would that change anything? Oh he hates her a little for that. Did it change her life when she got pregnant? Obviously. So it changes his too. Maybe she didn't want him to feel obligated but he does now anyway. Even if its just for birthday presents, even though that'd be pretty shitty of him. God knows what he's going to do, he needs to get over how irritated he is right now to be able to think properly.]

I'm sorry but that's stupid. You should have told me. And not just because you were forced to.

Forced to? I wasn't forced to do anything. This was my decision; you weren't factored into this at all. [Honestly, Carol knows she's only so angry because of the guilt eating her up inside. Yes, she should have told him, but she didn't. Mainly so he wouldn't feel obligated, but also so he wouldn't hate Dorothy. Because that would've happened if Jim didn't want to be in this, if he was forced to; he would hate Dorothy and Carol would regret it. There were many times when she almost picked up the phone, but she never did because she knew how he'd react. His life doesn't allow him to have intimate relationships or a family. Captains are gone most of the time and they sometimes have enemies that wouldn't hesitate to hurt the ones they love. Jim doesn't want to have kids anyways, she knows that. Both Bones and Spock told her that.

Carol would rather have an absent dad than a spiteful dad for Dorothy.]

I'm done with this conversation, Jim. [With an angry glare, she turns and hastily grabs her PADD and the diaper bag. Then, without looking at him, she storms to the playground to get Dorothy and go home. Dorothy will ask why mommy is crying, and Carol will say that she isn't, she's just tired.

And with her mommy carrying her away, Dorothy will look back and wave goodbye to her daddy.]

[God, just kill him.

He waves back at her, without hardly thinking about it, and turns away after a moment. He has a kid. There is a person in the universe that has half his DNA. He's met her. She's a pretty cute kid, even with the face touching thing. She makes him panic a little, just looking at her, and that's a new feeling.

Kirk eventually remembers that he has plans to meet Scotty for lunch and he'll show up late with no excuse and no explanation and if that bothers you so much, then he'll just leave. It doesn't occur to him to talk about what happened in the park with Scotty, not seriously. He's still in shock or something and he manages to drink three beers and eat next to nothing at the restaurant before he makes up an excuse and leaves.

Carol has a point, he can begrudgingly admit that, even just to himself. They're not in a relationship and he's not about to marry her because this isn't the nineteenth century. You don't have to marry your baby mama for the sake of saving face. Two mature adults can shoulder the responsibility of raising a child and not have to be romantically involved. And she's right in assuming that he's not about to give up his command and Enterprise and the stars to stay on Earth and raise a family either.

It'd be so easy to walk away. Carol expects it. Hell, he'd bet that she wants that. He could just, go back to his ship in a couple weeks, forget this ever happened and go on with his life. Except that every time he thinks about doing that, and tries to imagine it, he just feels like a creep. He feels like the asshole who walks away because he's a selfish prick. Kirk is selfish and a prick, but usually he doesn't combine the two. He's pretty sure he'd end up hating his life more if he walked.

It feels like a no-win scenario except that he doesn't believe in those.

He finds her address pretty easily. Maybe it wasn't exactly legal or not a blatant abuse of his security clearance but that's the last thing he cares about right now. She might be done with the conversation but he's not. They're going to come to a compromise about this.

Of course when he gets there, he's hit with that same panicky feeling from the park. This isn't one of missions where he can flout the rules and take the risk and things will be fine. The damage isn't a broken rib and a concussion, it's a kid's life and can he really be trusted with that? He can barely take care of himself sometimes, without Bones hounding him or Spock casually remarking that he looks tired and maybe getting some sleep is the best choice. He can lead a crew of several hundred people and that's easy. That's looking out for their best interest but never having to be emotionally involved, or teaching them how to be good people or pulling a phaser on sketchy boys lurking around.

Fuck it. Jim reaches out and knocks on her front door before he can talk himself into walking away.]

[By the time Dorothy's in bed, Carol feels a little better. Not much, but she's able to answer a few of the million questions that her daughter shouts while jumping on the bed. Mostly she asks why daddy isn't with them and doesn't he love them, and Carol kind of feels more like a jackass then.

Her bedtime is at eight, but by the time she calms Dorothy down and flips off the light, it's after nine. She flops onto the couch with her PADD and plans to get some work done in an attempt to get her mind off Jim.

By the time ten o'clock rolls around, she's completely focused on her work. None of the drama that happened earlier is on her mind and Carol's beginning to feel even better again. The knock on the door surprises her and she wonders aloud who's calling so late at night as she moves to answer it. To say she's shocked is an understatement.]

Jim? [It comes out as a high-pitched gasp.] W-what are you doing here?

[Alright, so he's not very good at following normal social rules either. Sue him.

Kirk releases the breath he was holding while waiting for her to open the door (like he didn't think she'd answer, and just continue to shut him out), perching his hands on his hips. It looks defensive but that's just how he stands when he's tackling a problem. This is a problem because they're clearly not on the same page. Maybe he doesn't know what page he's actually on but it's definitely in another part of the book from where Carol is.]

We have to actually talk about this, Carol.

[Carol could have slammed the door in his face, she knows that. Just slam and lock the door, shut him out, and never think about him ever again. But, she tried that seven years ago and that didn't work, and she doubts it'll work now because she knows that Dorothy will never stop talking about him. A parent needs to make sacrifices sometimes, put their pride aside, for their child. Dorothy wants her dad and, apparently, Jim wants his daughter. God, she hopes she's not wrong.

She nods and steps aside to let him in.]

Edited 2013-01-25 00:03 (UTC)

[She's not. He doesn't want to be That Guy who walked and he wants to know her. The schematics of it, he hasn't figured out yet. Obviously he's gone for so much of the year and he can never really predict when he'll be around Earth, which makes it pretty shitty for holidays and birthdays. He hadn't been planning on retiring his chair when this latest five year mission was over but maybe he would now and teach like people expected him to.

Or he'll be selfish a little and keep his ship and drop in when he can. He knows from experience that it's kinda crappy but it's better than nothing.]

Is she sleeping?

[That's very sweet, but Carol doesn't want Jim to completely readjust his life for them. He's better suited for the stars not some desk job. Jim Kirk is a man of action, not a man of nine to five. That's one of the reasons she fell in love with him.

Carol leads him from the door to the living room and to the couch. The house is tidy, but it's very clear that a keen two-year old lives here. There's a teddy bear's legs sticking out from under a chair, some plastic green army men are still in position besides a closet door, there's finger-paintings on the fridge door, and there's numerous pictures of her around, like a picture frame monster blew up.]

She should be. [Her voice gets a little louder;] And if she isn't, she's in big trouble. [Up the stairs, there's a muffled giggle, soft padding of feet, then a door clicking shut.]

[The tiniest bit of a smile flashes across Kirk's face at that, because, wow she really is their kid, sneaking around after bedtime and then it's, oh my God that is really his child up there.

If Carol is paying attention to him, she'll see his shoulders slump a little when the door upstairs closes. He's banking on Dorothy not being present for this conversation between her parents, because he seems to be unable to think straight with her around. Or even just with the idea of her in the same room as him right now. He's either too busy staring like in the park or fighting off a panic attack like now.

How the hell is he going to do this? What is he even thinking? Does he even think sometimes? Somewhere Spock is pleased that he's finally realizing this.

Jim runs a hand through his hair, a nervous tick of his. He's going to end up ~~completely bald~~ with a bald spot before Dorothy turns eighteen.]

What have you been telling her about me for the past two years?

[After being a mom for almost two years, Carol's gotten very good at multi-tasking and noticing details in the little things. So, yes she sees how Jim's shoulders slump and she wants nothing else but to hug and soothe those panics away. It's odd to see fear in him; he doesn't wear it well, but Carol understands what he's going through. She had them when she first found out she was pregnant, occasionally through it, and when she arrived home from the hospital with Dorothy.

She settles back onto the couch and lets her hands clean up her work on the coffee table in fount of her.]

Nothing. She hadn't asked, so I didn't tell. [She lightly sighs, and she looks kind of tired.]

She did ask questions tonight, however, and all I told her was that you're a good man and an excellent captain.

[Winona used to tell him the same sort of thing when he was a kid. And he remembers it becoming sort of meaningless after a while without real memories to back it up. And how that's a good part of the reason why he feels like he can't walk away. Carol maybe didn't want him to feel obligated but he can't see how that'd ever be avoided.]

You were never really going to tell me if I hadn't run into you guys in the park, were you? [It's phrased like a question, but it's really not one.]

No. I was going to tell you... eventually. [She truly was, but the right time never cropped up. After their night together, she didn't want to seem like a bother and at the time it seemed like Jim didn't want children. She thought she was doing him a favour by not telling him, honestly. But it appears that she was definitely wrong and she may have risked her friendship with him.

Carol grimaces and rubs her face with her hand, really not liking herself right now.]

I know I should have told you sooner, okay, and I know you'll never forgive me, but I hope we can at least have an amicable relationship. For Dorothy's sake.

show and tell

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