[ Sirius knows how to get into the house, obviously. Lily is sulking on the couch with a cup of tea because SOMEONE is telling her THINGS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW. At least she isn't throwing up anymore. ]
[ Lily doesn't tense at all: she's still quiet but she leans into the embrace, burrowing into his side and not moving for a long moment other than to put her tea down. Then she shakes her head slightly. ]
I don't think so. [ Her voice is very, very soft. ] I've been ill off and on for a few weeks now, in mornings. Hadn't thought much of it until now.
[ And there it hangs, but she won't look at him. ]
[The arm not wrapped around her will shift to catch at one of her hands, tugging it up to his lips for a fretful but hopefully soothing kiss.]
We'll protect you, if it-- if it comes to that. We'll figure something out, maybe have one of us on like a-- rotating shift with you all the time. Something.
[It's verging on a nervous babble, but he's doing his best to stay calm, for her sake.]
[ She turns her head to press her face into his shoulder and let out a tiny, muffled scream. The kiss helps but she's just so keyed up and she can't do this - none of them can, none of them should have to. ]
You know that's not practical. You know the Order needs me. What will happen when I can't fight? I can't let you all go out without me. We can't protect a baby from this.
[ Finally she lifts her head, still clutching his hands, and noses against his cheek, staying there. ]
[That means, clearly, that he's going to shift to let the arm wrapped around her shoulders shift more properly to her back so she can let her scream into the crook of his neck. That means another nervously affectionate kiss to her temple.]
So maybe you stay out-- just until you have the baby, then. And then we can all-- swap out between the five of us. It's not-- it's not impossible. Hell, if you-- really don't want to give up the fight just yet I'll-- I'll watch them most of the time, though I can't guarantee I won't be-- shit at it. They'll still need you, though, so you'd have to be careful.
[They all have to be careful. They should have been more careful, really. But here they are. Now Lily is pregnant, and he's pressing a rough kiss against her cheek. Her words can't help but make him have to swallow down his own panic.]
's okay, Lils.
[It's really, really not.]
We're-- we're here, okay? Whatever happens, we'll manage it all together.
I don't want to make you not fight because of me. I don't want any of us to fight, but since we have to, I want us to fight together.
[ She inhales and it's shaking, exhales and it sounds like a quiet sob. But she leans into the kiss to her cheek, finally opening her eyes to look at him. There's a moment's pause before she crawls practically into his lap, feeling small and scared and childish. But she'll curl against him like that, clutching his shirt instead. ]
I love you.
[ Soft. She knows he has to be scared too and is acting fine for her sake. She presses their foreheads together, grants him a small kiss. ]
I'm sorry I'm such a mess. Remus is on his way too.
[Of course Remus has access to the house too, so he lets himself in, holding a plastic bag from a corner shop. Muggle methods were good for some things, after all.
He spots them on the couch immediately and hurries over, sitting next to Sirius to be close to them both.]
Here, Lily.
[He pulls a bag of wine gums out of the shopping bag and passes that to her first. He knows the power in little pick-me-ups, and they'd been right there at the check-out.
He's trying to be steady, for her, for all of them, but he's got even more on his mind than how the hell they're going to have and raise a baby during a war.]
[Sirius will shift just slightly to make sure that Remus and Lily are able to be a little closer, when Remus settles. He'd shifted to wrap both his arms around Lily when she'd settled into his lap, but one shifts free now to reach a little blindly for the other man's hand, needing to squeeze it briefly just to reassure himself.
He knows Lily knows he's scared. He knows Remus probably saw the terror on his face that he'd kept from his voice as he'd murmured quiet "I love you"s and reassurances to Lily until their partner came.]
What, none for me, Moony?
[His voice is shaking a little as he tries to joke, but he forces himself through it.]
Guess 'm not really sweet enough for them. Not like you, Lils.
[ Lily wriggles a little until she's evenly situated on the both of them, curled close and breathing slow. She manages a watery smile as she takes the bag from Remus, opening it to pluck one out and eat it ... then she takes another one out and holds it in front of Sirius' face. She hears the shake in his voice and doesn't comment on it, though it hurts just a little. ]
Thank you, Remus. Also you're plenty sweet, Sirius, why would we need two bags?
[ She's trying to stay strong, like she always does. It's so hard. She also doesn't feel quite ready to go take that test yet, so she just breathes quietly, clutching at both of them for now.
[He's not going to press her to take it, not right this moment. Even if he feels like he's going to crawl right out of his skin with not knowing.
He squeezes Sirius' hand back; seeing the fear in his partners' faces only strengthens his resolve to keep himself together, at least for now. He presses a kiss to Lily's cheek, his other hand rubbing at her back soothingly.]
I didn't have much on me, so we'll just have to share. And Lily's in the middle, so she gets to hold the bag.
[And, of course, although this is something they're all dealing with, Lily is the one they're here for. So she gets to hold the candy.]
Whenever you're ready. Though you might have to drink something first.
[So he'll go ahead and pass her a bottle of soda. Also from the bag.]
I know it's not the best, but it's what they had.
[And this way none of them have to get up to get her a drink.]
[His shoulders relax a little at the squeeze of Remus' hand. Lily had been the one who taught him to be soft, Peter to be kind, and James to be good, but Remus has always been his anchor. He knows he wouldn't be nearly as steady as he tries to be for the others, if it weren't for the fact that the other man is there for him to rely on.
It makes him breathe a little more easily as he takes the offered candy and kisses Lily's cheek gratefully in response.]
Both of you are as sensible as always.
[There's a joke on the tip of his tongue, a hope that the baby inherits their brains, but it's still too soon. Too raw. It dies in his throat and he ducks his head to kiss Lily's shoulder before leaning back to kiss Remus' cheek.]
If you do want just water, though, I can-- get up 'nd get some, so you two can keep cuddling.
[He's fairly certain he'd descend into a quiet panic if he stepped away from their warmth now, but he'd do it anyways.]
[ She takes the soda gratefully and hands off the candies in the meanwhile. She's quiet and a little drawn but drinks some of it, just staying where she is for now. ]
I'll go in a bit.
[ It's probably good not to joke at the moment. She breathes, slow, and drinks more of the soda. Otherwise, she's unmoving. Once it's about half gone (about twenty minutes later, all spent cuddling with them and mumbling affections every so often.) she slowly disentangles herself from them and stands, grabbing the bag from the shop and lingering there for a moment looking vaguely worried - she leans in to give them each a gentle kiss, then turns to go. ]
I'll be back soon.
[ She heads to the bathroom - for a moment the only sound is the door closing. Then there's silence. A little more silence. She's sitting because she's too scared to take it.
Then she does.
Then she has to wait longer.
Finally, after about fifteen more minutes: ]
FUCK!
[ Yeah, that would be Lily yelling. Possibly at the top of her lungs. Yeah, that semi-calm facade is completely gone, but she also hasn't come out of the bathroom yet. Then she does. And slams the door shut behind her. It's the kind of furious movement that's a conditioned response, but once that's done she sort of just. Pauses in the hallway. ]
[The joke would definitely have not been appreciated right now. Not when the baby having the opportunity to inherit anything from him was his worst fear in this.
They spend that twenty minutes in quiet affection, and Remus almost starts to feel the calm he's pretending to have, but then Lily stands up, gives them both a kiss, and leaves.]
Love you. [No matter what, is left unsaid.
So they wait. Remus watches the clock anxiously. Of course he'd read the instructions on the box.]
They take about fifteen minutes to work.
[Watching the clock does not, in fact, make time pass any quicker. Every time panic starts to well up in him, he desperately shoves it down. It's not the time.
Fifteen minutes pass and they haven't heard anything from her yet.]
Maybe we should check--
[And then she yells and, well, that answers that. His complexion goes a bit ashen. Then she comes out and the door slams and he's on his feet before he even realizes. He recognizes that fury in her, usually a righteous anger, but now?]
Lily--
[He's terrified, he's goddamned terrified, for all of them, but especially for the child. If it's his, if he's passed his condition down to an innocent life before it ever even took it's first breath, he doesn't know what he'd do. For just a moment, it shows, it freezes him in place.]
[It feels, somehow, steadier to say than an 'I love you.' Besides, he's murmured those three words for the past several minutes. He knows she knows.
It doesn't make it any easier to wait. He'll start fidgeting with nervous energy after only a few minutes, trying to keep his movements small so they don't bother Remus. He'll keep glancing nervously in the direction of the door.
He's nodding in agreement with Remus' suggestion before the other man even finishes his sentence, but then Lily is shouting and they're both on their feet and she's there all wild and rage and motion. The part of him that's exactly the same sings in recognition, and that's why he stays back a moment, because their partner knows how to soothe that part of them both better.
But then he's pausing, obvious terror in his expression, and Sirius doesn't hold back anymore. He strides to squeeze Remus' hand before continuing his forward motion. His approach now is more the cautiousness of a dog approaching an uncertainty.]
Lils. [His voice can't be soft, but he manages something approaching steady, somehow. Probably because it's propped up by the casual sort of ego he uses when baiting someone.] If we're gonna hex or hit someone, let's go with me, mm? Moony was nice and got you candy.
[He isn't certain what kind of response that's going to earn him, but he's fairly certain it'll get him something, and something will work. They need to work that tension out of her shoulders before they can address this like the adults they supposedly are.
(Even though he's being presented with possible fatherhood, he's never felt more like a child.)]
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[And behold: Very soon, a Sirius Black.]
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[ Sirius knows how to get into the house, obviously. Lily is sulking on the couch with a cup of tea because SOMEONE is telling her THINGS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW. At least she isn't throwing up anymore. ]
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[And oh no, not a sulky Lily! Clearly that means first Sirius needs to flop carefully next to her and try to sling an arm around her.]
've you got a stomach bug, then? You're looking slightly less like an image of grace and beauty than usual.
[You're worrying him, Lils.]
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I don't think so. [ Her voice is very, very soft. ] I've been ill off and on for a few weeks now, in mornings. Hadn't thought much of it until now.
[ And there it hangs, but she won't look at him. ]
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It still takes him a moment to sink in. It's not exactly something that's constantly on his radar, despite how they are with one another.
When it does, though, he can't help but inhale a little sharply, before letting his head drop to rest against hers more properly.]
Y'mean, you think you're....?
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[ She sighs out and it's almost shaking. Her eyes are closed. Her hands move, clutching at his arm. ]
We've a war on, Sirius. What are we supposed to do with this? What if I am?
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We'll protect you, if it-- if it comes to that. We'll figure something out, maybe have one of us on like a-- rotating shift with you all the time. Something.
[It's verging on a nervous babble, but he's doing his best to stay calm, for her sake.]
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You know that's not practical. You know the Order needs me. What will happen when I can't fight? I can't let you all go out without me. We can't protect a baby from this.
[ Finally she lifts her head, still clutching his hands, and noses against his cheek, staying there. ]
I'm scared, Sirius.
[ Which is. Not something she ever says. ]
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So maybe you stay out-- just until you have the baby, then. And then we can all-- swap out between the five of us. It's not-- it's not impossible. Hell, if you-- really don't want to give up the fight just yet I'll-- I'll watch them most of the time, though I can't guarantee I won't be-- shit at it. They'll still need you, though, so you'd have to be careful.
[They all have to be careful. They should have been more careful, really. But here they are. Now Lily is pregnant, and he's pressing a rough kiss against her cheek. Her words can't help but make him have to swallow down his own panic.]
's okay, Lils.
[It's really, really not.]
We're-- we're here, okay? Whatever happens, we'll manage it all together.
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[ She inhales and it's shaking, exhales and it sounds like a quiet sob. But she leans into the kiss to her cheek, finally opening her eyes to look at him. There's a moment's pause before she crawls practically into his lap, feeling small and scared and childish. But she'll curl against him like that, clutching his shirt instead. ]
I love you.
[ Soft. She knows he has to be scared too and is acting fine for her sake. She presses their foreheads together, grants him a small kiss. ]
I'm sorry I'm such a mess. Remus is on his way too.
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He spots them on the couch immediately and hurries over, sitting next to Sirius to be close to them both.]
Here, Lily.
[He pulls a bag of wine gums out of the shopping bag and passes that to her first. He knows the power in little pick-me-ups, and they'd been right there at the check-out.
He's trying to be steady, for her, for all of them, but he's got even more on his mind than how the hell they're going to have and raise a baby during a war.]
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He knows Lily knows he's scared. He knows Remus probably saw the terror on his face that he'd kept from his voice as he'd murmured quiet "I love you"s and reassurances to Lily until their partner came.]
What, none for me, Moony?
[His voice is shaking a little as he tries to joke, but he forces himself through it.]
Guess 'm not really sweet enough for them. Not like you, Lils.
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Thank you, Remus. Also you're plenty sweet, Sirius, why would we need two bags?
[ She's trying to stay strong, like she always does. It's so hard. She also doesn't feel quite ready to go take that test yet, so she just breathes quietly, clutching at both of them for now.
Their presences are soothing her just a little. ]
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He squeezes Sirius' hand back; seeing the fear in his partners' faces only strengthens his resolve to keep himself together, at least for now. He presses a kiss to Lily's cheek, his other hand rubbing at her back soothingly.]
I didn't have much on me, so we'll just have to share. And Lily's in the middle, so she gets to hold the bag.
[And, of course, although this is something they're all dealing with, Lily is the one they're here for. So she gets to hold the candy.]
Whenever you're ready. Though you might have to drink something first.
[So he'll go ahead and pass her a bottle of soda. Also from the bag.]
I know it's not the best, but it's what they had.
[And this way none of them have to get up to get her a drink.]
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It makes him breathe a little more easily as he takes the offered candy and kisses Lily's cheek gratefully in response.]
Both of you are as sensible as always.
[There's a joke on the tip of his tongue, a hope that the baby inherits their brains, but it's still too soon. Too raw. It dies in his throat and he ducks his head to kiss Lily's shoulder before leaning back to kiss Remus' cheek.]
If you do want just water, though, I can-- get up 'nd get some, so you two can keep cuddling.
[He's fairly certain he'd descend into a quiet panic if he stepped away from their warmth now, but he'd do it anyways.]
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[ She takes the soda gratefully and hands off the candies in the meanwhile. She's quiet and a little drawn but drinks some of it, just staying where she is for now. ]
I'll go in a bit.
[ It's probably good not to joke at the moment. She breathes, slow, and drinks more of the soda. Otherwise, she's unmoving. Once it's about half gone (about twenty minutes later, all spent cuddling with them and mumbling affections every so often.) she slowly disentangles herself from them and stands, grabbing the bag from the shop and lingering there for a moment looking vaguely worried - she leans in to give them each a gentle kiss, then turns to go. ]
I'll be back soon.
[ She heads to the bathroom - for a moment the only sound is the door closing. Then there's silence. A little more silence. She's sitting because she's too scared to take it.
Then she does.
Then she has to wait longer.
Finally, after about fifteen more minutes: ]
FUCK!
[ Yeah, that would be Lily yelling. Possibly at the top of her lungs. Yeah, that semi-calm facade is completely gone, but she also hasn't come out of the bathroom yet. Then she does. And slams the door shut behind her. It's the kind of furious movement that's a conditioned response, but once that's done she sort of just. Pauses in the hallway. ]
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They spend that twenty minutes in quiet affection, and Remus almost starts to feel the calm he's pretending to have, but then Lily stands up, gives them both a kiss, and leaves.]
Love you. [No matter what, is left unsaid.
So they wait. Remus watches the clock anxiously. Of course he'd read the instructions on the box.]
They take about fifteen minutes to work.
[Watching the clock does not, in fact, make time pass any quicker. Every time panic starts to well up in him, he desperately shoves it down. It's not the time.
Fifteen minutes pass and they haven't heard anything from her yet.]
Maybe we should check--
[And then she yells and, well, that answers that. His complexion goes a bit ashen. Then she comes out and the door slams and he's on his feet before he even realizes. He recognizes that fury in her, usually a righteous anger, but now?]
Lily--
[He's terrified, he's goddamned terrified, for all of them, but especially for the child. If it's his, if he's passed his condition down to an innocent life before it ever even took it's first breath, he doesn't know what he'd do. For just a moment, it shows, it freezes him in place.]
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[It feels, somehow, steadier to say than an 'I love you.' Besides, he's murmured those three words for the past several minutes. He knows she knows.
It doesn't make it any easier to wait. He'll start fidgeting with nervous energy after only a few minutes, trying to keep his movements small so they don't bother Remus. He'll keep glancing nervously in the direction of the door.
He's nodding in agreement with Remus' suggestion before the other man even finishes his sentence, but then Lily is shouting and they're both on their feet and she's there all wild and rage and motion. The part of him that's exactly the same sings in recognition, and that's why he stays back a moment, because their partner knows how to soothe that part of them both better.
But then he's pausing, obvious terror in his expression, and Sirius doesn't hold back anymore. He strides to squeeze Remus' hand before continuing his forward motion. His approach now is more the cautiousness of a dog approaching an uncertainty.]
Lils. [His voice can't be soft, but he manages something approaching steady, somehow. Probably because it's propped up by the casual sort of ego he uses when baiting someone.] If we're gonna hex or hit someone, let's go with me, mm? Moony was nice and got you candy.
[He isn't certain what kind of response that's going to earn him, but he's fairly certain it'll get him something, and something will work. They need to work that tension out of her shoulders before they can address this like the adults they supposedly are.
(Even though he's being presented with possible fatherhood, he's never felt more like a child.)]
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