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1. Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
2. I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
3. I wish I could just live off of whiskey and good sex.
or Text Her
2. I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
3. I wish I could just live off of whiskey and good sex.
or Text Her
1. What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I at least deserve a pic of breasts
2. Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape"
3. She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
4. When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hate you?
5. TEXT HIM
2. Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape"
3. She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
4. When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hate you?
5. TEXT HIM
1. How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
2. Dicks are not precious
3. Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together.
4. [wildcard]
2. Dicks are not precious
3. Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together.
4. [wildcard]
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
all children or are there specific children?
i. My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand.
ii. Text me if you aren't dead and would like to have a drink later.
iii. Get off the floor, put away the Glenmorangie, and get your shit together.
iv. Or text him!
1. My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
2. Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
3. Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
4. [text him]
2. Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
3. Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
4. [text him]
1) I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
2) He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
3) Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
4) Or text him!Edited 2016-03-18 19:35 (UTC)
she can't be surprised. after all, she divorced him in the first place.
you ought to do a quick google search first Harry, the basics of modern day shagging
a) I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
b) I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
c) As long as you don't die I'm in full support of ALL your decisions, drinking or otherwise.
d) Text her.
b) I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
c) As long as you don't die I'm in full support of ALL your decisions, drinking or otherwise.
d) Text her.
1. Me and you. The most fucked up people in the galaxy drinking together. Hell yeah.
2. When she says 'Corrisan hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
3. I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
4. [text her]
2. When she says 'Corrisan hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
3. I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
4. [text her]
a) This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
b) I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
c) Fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs.
d) Text her!
b) I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
c) Fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs.
d) Text her!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Please tell me it's in your house. That would literally make my entire week.
1. Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
2. YAS. BRING CRAB.
3. Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
2. YAS. BRING CRAB.
3. Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
a) But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his TMNT action figures.
b) I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
c) I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
d) Text her.
b) I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
c) I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
d) Text her.
1. This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
2. Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
3. I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
2. Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
3. I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
a) This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
b) I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
c) Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
d) Text her.
b) I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
c) Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
d) Text her.
That's what your shocked about? I think by now I've made an art out of going with whatever you decide to do.
1 — if i had to summarize my weekend, i would use three words: "terrifying romanian moonshine"
2 — i'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy i arrested last week. if he recognizes me, this might quickly go south
3 — she's throwing things again... almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork
2 — i'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy i arrested last week. if he recognizes me, this might quickly go south
3 — she's throwing things again... almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork
1. I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
2. I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
3. that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
[no spoilers for the second book please]
2. I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
3. that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
[no spoilers for the second book please]
1. Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight?
2. Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink.
3. Firstly, the aqua beast costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
4. [Text him]
2. Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink.
3. Firstly, the aqua beast costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
4. [Text him]
Should I be offended you have such little faith in my abilities, Han?
Also, better make that a strong drink.
Also, better make that a strong drink.
1. Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
2. I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
3. I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
4. Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
2. I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
3. I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
4. Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
No, I'm dead.
i know that feel, the best i can offer is a beer or candy
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jakkuorphan
- 2016-03-19 05:38 (UTC) - Expandthat much is a given. look at the position she has him in.
derriphan
- 2016-03-19 07:01 (UTC) - Expand1.) Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, and get ur shit together
2.) I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my entire "cute but could lay you flat in ten seconds" vibe
3.) Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I actually have a date tonight.
4.) text her!
2.) I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my entire "cute but could lay you flat in ten seconds" vibe
3.) Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I actually have a date tonight.
4.) text her!
Edited 2016-03-18 19:36 (UTC)
1. The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
2. Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get your shit together
3. I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
2. Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get your shit together
3. I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
1. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think your car is on fire.
2. When you said "study date," this isn't what I had in mind. You kept emphasizing the 'study' part, so what was I supposed to think?
3. Okay, I definitely said hands ABOVE the waist.
4. Text him!
2. When you said "study date," this isn't what I had in mind. You kept emphasizing the 'study' part, so what was I supposed to think?
3. Okay, I definitely said hands ABOVE the waist.
4. Text him!
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