bakerstreet | what's your number

Five? Really? I only count three. Lefty and Righty don't count, you know.

You know about three, but that doesn't mean they were the only ones.

Should I get some chips and dip and settle in for this one?

No. There's nothing to talk about. This might come as a surprise to you, Stiles, but not all of my relationships were disastrous.

So...

Why not talk about the ones that didn't suck?

Because there's nothing really to talk about, and I wouldn't normally talk about this stuff anyway? Talking about Kate at all was just relevant to the situation.

Who do you talk to? You don't really, ah... I mean... there's no bff for the grumpy scruffwolf, is there?

I talk to you and Scott, don't I? And Braeden...

[See how he completely dodges the bff question?]

No, you don't talk to me and Scott. And... I kind of don't want to know the particulars with Braeden -- mostly because she can and would tear off very vulnerable parts of my body.

I talk to you and Scott when I need to. [Which is pretty much never, admittedly, but that's not the point, okay? Maybe.] Look, this might come as a surprise to you, but I'm not really good with the whole "opening up" thing. [No. It comes as a surprise to nobody.]

I can promise you that Braeden won't go anywhere near your vulnerable parts. I just meant that she and I talk. [Kinda.]

You mean you talk to me and Scott when you think you need to. People need to talk, man. We're social creatures. Wolves are too. You're all... bundling up all that manly wolfly energy and just doing your solo thing and that's not really great. I'm not saying you need to chit chat with us, but you need someone. It's just the way it is.

[God, Derek. Don't you know anything?]

I'm both relieved and saddened by that.

It talk you you when it matters. Look, I know I can talk to both of you. I appreciate it, okay? And when I need to, I'll come to you. I don't really think that my past hookups, the uneventful ones, really matter all that much. You have your own issues to deal with anyway, so I'm not going to pile mine up on top of that when I can deal with them myself. [Fun fact: no, he can't.

And he's just going to give Stiles a look.]

Do you want Braeden to relieve you of certain parts?

You talk to us when you're dying or after it's almost too late to do anything. Dude, you know you can just like... talk to us, right? Not about wolf stuff? Just about... guy stuff? Kind of part of the benefits of having a dick.

[And Stiles is just going to look as innocent as he can.]

Relieve them, no, but a guy likes to be able to ponder the possibilities of having a pretty girl touch... things. Ooh, hey, maybe we should make some popcorn.

[Distraction taaaaaaaactic.]

I'm not talking to you about my dick. [Intentionally missing the point.] Did you ever think that maybe there just isn't any more than wolf stuff for me? I'm not exactly- It's been a long time. It's not exactly easy to talk about... Normal stuff.

[Do you see this face, Stiles? Derek's is a face that doesn't believe there was ever an "innocent" moment in Stiles' life.]

I don't think you'd survive the experience, Stiles.

I should hope not. You intimidate me with the size of everything else. I don't need to feel like we have to have a measuring contest. Of which I'd win, by the way. [Lean boys always had big dicks. Rule 1.] Maybe you could, oh, I don't know, try it? Just relax. Play some XBox. Watch a movie. Normal stuff.

[Okay, so, maybe that might be true. So?]

Probably not. Malia would kill me.

[That actually gets a small smile out of Derek. Not that he's interested in the size of Stiles' dick or anything.] Whatever you need to tell yourself. [And he'll just leave it at that. Being intimidated by his size isn't unwarranted, after all.]

And... Okay, fine. Those don't sound like they would involve a lot of talking at least.

[Not like Derek hasn't used it against him before. Evil jerk face werewolf. Who maybe wasn't so evil anymore. But he was still a bit of a jerk face.]

You ever played video games? They can get pretty talky during some action scenes.

[As in handing out cards that said 'Please don't hate me for what I'm about to say as I defile your animated corpse'.]

[Only when manhandling Stiles, or pinning him against the wall... He hasn't used the size of his dick against him yet, because that would be weird. And probably inappropriate, even for him. He wasn't that evil...]

Not really? The only time I played a game was back when Mario was still side-scrolling.

[aka Please don't teabag his dead body, Stiles.]

[Stiles wouldn't put that in the category of things Derek Hale might not ever do. Derek had a habit of surprising him. He was onto him. Tricky wolf.]

Oh. Wow. Okay, you are in serious need of an entertainment media upgrade.

[Oh, it was happening.]

[Look, sometimes things come up when you're pinning a scrawny kid with a devilish smirk and a smart mouth up against the wall. It's totally natural and nobody could judge him for it.]

You're not going to go easy on me at all if I agree to this, are you?

[Stiles calls bullshit on that, but maybe it was just his animal magnetism. Humans could have that, right? Right. Shh. It's okay, Derek. Maybe he was just going through puberty late. Every boy got embarrassingly inappropriate boners.]

Not even a little.

[Derek will deny there's any such thing as animal magnetism, at least in relation to Stiles. If he ever did, not that he has, but if he did, he's blaming it on... werewolf things. Yeah, that works. Sometimes Stiles just smells good, okay? That's not weird at all. Derek was a jerk and closed off, but he wasn't dead.]

Are you going to invite Scott too, or do I only have to worry about you kicking my digital ass?

[Werewolf things didn't apply to humans, genius. If Stiles ever found out, he'd gloat. And then stand in front of a fan aimed at Derek.]

Think you could handle an ass beating by both of us?

[... That came out wrong.]

[Do you want him getting hard, Stiles? Hypothetically, of course. Because he doesn't... maybe. Shut up.]

Do you want to try rephrasing that?

[Because it definitely came out wrong, and not in a way Derek can just ignore.]

[He's not answering that question on the grounds that he might incriminate himself.]

Sure. You should limit it to just be because you can't handle two on one action.

[Nope. Not any better.]

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