an ineffable plan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ineffabilities) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
bakerstreet2012-03-28 12:39 pm
ineffabilities) wrote in bakerstreet2012-03-28 12:39 pm
Entry tags:
i never meant to do those things to you
Ever hurt someone and regretted it? Ever said something in the heat of the moment you can never take back? Time to apologize, then, and hope they'll forgive you.
1. Post.
2. Others respond. Optionally, they also roll a number from 1-10 for the reason. As to who's saying sorry, well, that's up to you guys.
3. Play out the scenario.
4. Bring tissues.
1. Betrayal: You betrayed them, pure and simple. Maybe there was money in it, maybe someone you cared for was the price, but whatever the reason, you broke their trust. And now you're regretting it.
2. Cheated: Hoo, boy, man. You cheated on them with somebody else. You went astray, and now you want them back. Question is, do they want you back as well?
3. Abandoned: You abandoned them, in their time of need, when they needed you most. You didn't help them when they asked you to, didn't come to their aid like they expected. Whatever the reason, you want to make up for it somehow.
4. Did your best: Oh, certainly, you did your best, but in the end it wasn't enough. In the end, everything fell apart, despite your actions, or maybe even because of them. Now you just want to make things right.
5. Didn't trust them: What's that? You didn't trust them, so you did your own thing and it blew up in everyone's faces? Oh, wow. Better clean up that mess then.
6. Argument: Well, everyone fights, every so often, but yours was particularly big, enough so you almost risked your relationship. You might want to start baking if you want to fix it.
7. Drifted apart: That's really all there is to it. You guys really tried to keep it together, but you just drifted apart. Well, now's the opportunity to drift back together again.
8. Faked your death/Actually died: So you...faked your death?! Or, better yet, you actually died?! Oh, jeez, man, you left behind a lot of people grieving for you. Better start explaining and apologizing, then.
9. Not your fault: Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. Maybe you know that, maybe you don't, but you still feel immensely guilty for it, anyway. Here's to hoping the person you're apologizing to knows it wasn't your fault.
10. Wild card: Mix and match, pick your favorite, or make one up!
roxas | kingdom hearts | ota
10.
after all, how could he? there was nothing to be said. Riku'd been a horrible person when he did this--it was a necessary evil, but it didn't change the fact that he had felt like he'd deserved to fall into the Darkness and stay there for what he did to him, because at the end of the day, he didn't mean any of it.
at the end of the day, he'd worked to separate Sora and Roxas in his mind from the beginning. so insinuating they were they same, having to listen to DiZ tell him that he had no right to exist, was still painful. Roxas didn't deserve that. he didn't deserve to disappear into Sora without those questions answered. he wanted to tell him and explain more than anything, but there was no time.
when he arrived back at Destiny Islands at Sora's insistence, he thought that being home wouldn't be so bad, and he was right.
but he hadn't expected Roxas to be able to rise to the surface of Sora. so sitting at the paopu tree at night, when he turns to see a blond walking up to him, he's not sure what to expect. ]
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But eventually he had to break away, look for the answers he's been wanting for so long, though in the end he still doesn't get all of them. If anything, he just gets more. And it's almost unfair that Sora seems to get what he wants without a second thought.
Roxas has already accepted it though, when he had fought with Sora during that single time, that single time that he could have had a chance to rise up and take over. He'd been the stronger one, he could have taken Sora down easily if he had gone full power. He could have been the one to face Xemnas one last time and finally fulfill a promise that he barely remembers. But he didn't. Because he saw and understood the reason why it had to be Sora, why his Other would be able to do things that he couldn't. Why his Other is accepted and he isn't.
Just because he accepts doesn't mean that he still didn't have a few questions of his own.
So it's a little surprising that one night he opens his eyes and doesn't see the usual darkness with light coming from beneath him through stained glass. Instead of what he usually sees, it's a room, an unfamiliar room with various things that shows the personality of just who it belongs to. Moving about in a body similar yet different to his own, it's almost like riding a bicycle (or maybe in his case a skateboard). A sense of freedom he hasn't felt since he saw Sora floating, sleeping, in that pod at the Old Mansion. He has a chance to be himself, if even in the body of another.
Whatever urged him to go to the play island, he doesn't know, but seeing the figure sitting at the bent tree, he has to wonder if maybe Sora wanted this. To give him a chance to find whatever answers he still has for himself, rather than the answers that they could find themselves. To give him a sense of closure about things.
And there's only one person who can really give him that. ]
Riku.
[ Though where to even start? ]
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but it's telling, his face, his body--the way that he doesn't summon a weapon at all, but just stands stock still in the moonlight, glancing from side to side as if he could have some indicator that this is a dream--or a nightmare. he pushes himself off, on his feet, and with Roxas blocking the only real exit--he knows he can't just walk off...
he knows he has to do something. and he knows Roxas must've awoken for something. ]
Yeah?
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No, he can't.
Roxas takes a chance to look out at the waters, the only time he's seen them is through Sora's eyes or in the memories that still haunt him from time to time. Memories that aren't his, he knows, been knowing for a while. Maybe he should just call them dreams, since that sounds a little more pleasant than hearing the tinge of bitterness in his own mind when regarding his Other's memories. But this may be the only time he'll get to see it for himself, and so he has to take it. Nothing like the sunset at the clock tower but still beautiful in its own right. ]
You know, there's still something I've wanted to know. It's... probably the only reason why I'm even here right now.
[ At least, that's the only reason he can come up with for Sora to relinquish control over to him, especially know how Roxas feels about having his own self taken away like it had been.
If there's a chance, any at all, that he could be himself like before then he would take it. He just knows that there isn't a likelihood of it happening. And he knows Sora knows it too. So he guesses this could be considered the next best thing. ]
I just.. want to know why, that's all.
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it's unnatural how natural they feel.
at first, he just wants to say 'because I could'.
that's the best answer to spare Roxas the facts--bitter facts, and his own regret. it's so much easier to paint fantasy, paint himself as a villain and force Roxas to hate him. it's much easier than forcing his hand into sketching the real picture of external forces where no one really could stop anything, where Riku, like Roxas, was played and had no choice in the matter. he doesn't want to have to tell Roxas that there was really no use.
but Roxas deserves all the truth, doesn't he? after all the pain he's gone through, after all the lies?
he sighs and looks down, slipping his hands into his pockets. ]
All right.
[ he raises his head. ]
Why what? I did a lot of things.
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But again, where to even start?
Picking out one question out of so many, it's a hard decision to make but there really is only one question he wants to ask. The hard part is how to even ask such a thing so that Riku would give him an honest answer. Though if he were honest, would the other be honest back to him? It's a thought. ]
Ah, well. I just-
[ And yet it's still tough to find the right words.
If only he knew how to say things like Axel could or just be straightforward like Hayner. This could be much easier to do if he just knew how to talk. But he doesn't and so he has to do it the best way he can. ]
Do you... hate me?
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[ of all questions, that strikes Riku the most off-guard. ]
No, I don't--why would you ask that? Why would I?
[ and as soon as he asks that, he regrets his words and scowls at himself. for many reasons. ]
I don't hate you. I don't have a reason to, so I don't.
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[ The words come out faster than he can think of them, the feelings and mixed thoughts he's had about this having come to a stop at those words. Words he hadn't expected to hear but heard all the same. It just... shatters the image he thought to be the truth, that Riku didn't like him at all and that's why all those things happened. ]
Why did you.. do that.
[ He hasn't looked at the other this entire time, focus on the waters or maybe it's the sky that's touching the horizon. Or maybe he's not focused on anything at all but his thoughts and this chance but. He just couldn't bring himself to look at Riku but now he glances over, if only trying to convince himself that it's better if he sees. To hopefully see honesty in those green eyes since he couldn't have seen anything behind the blindfold the last time they met.
It's not long before he glances away, as if to find the words again, before blue eyes shift back to the other. ]
Why.. did you have to do that, to me.
[ It's probably ridiculous asking, since he knows the answer, the answer that's been echoed throughout his mind since those last few days. "Sora needs to wake up." "You're nothing but a tool." "You aren't meant to exist." He knows all of that already but. Did it have to end up the way it did, with him being captured and having his memories blocked off, practically erased and replaced with fake ones?
Did his proof of existence have to disappear along with him? ]
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[ his mouth opens once, twice, wordless. after a moment, he closes his mouth, thinks about the words he's about to say, because they're important. ]
Because if I didn't do it, someone else would. [ like DiZ. ] And I don't know you how like Axel knows you... but I know you wouldn't want to see the worlds suffer like they would've if I didn't. Because if they suffered... so would everyone you know.
It wasn't Sora or you. It was the worlds and Sora or you.
[ a sigh. he shakes his head, eyes closed. ] I know it doesn't make it any better. I'm still guilty and I'll never forgive myself for what I've done to you, and I shouldn't.
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[ If he were completely honest, hearing that doesn't make him feel any better, or maybe it's not supposed to considering all things. Because in the end, Sora is still chosen regardless. There had been no chance for him at all, none.
How could he compete against someone so obviously loved plus the fate of all the worlds?
Easy, he can't. There was probably no competition in the first place and knowing that his existence really didn't mean anything, it hurts to know. Ironic considering he's not supposed to feel anything, right? A Nobody doesn't have a heart to feel, doesn't have a right be. That's all he is, in the end.
Roxas breathes in slowly, getting a taste of the salty but still fresh air, fighting back the words of rage and the urge to just hit something, anything. He's done that already, twice even. Third time might be a charm but he can't do that knowing Sora wouldn't have wanted him to do that, especially to his best friend. Someone who did all he could just so that things could be set in motion, to make things right.
He's never felt so insignificant before now. ]
I guess I can understand that. I just wish.. it could have been different.
...That my memories didn't have to be taken away.
[ Because from the beginning to the end, that's all a Nobody has for themselves, proof that they lived their own lives and not just a copy of someone else's. ]
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[ if he'd known what Roxas was thinking, he'd turn that thinking on a dime. the fact that Roxas needed to go back to Sora was what made him so important, in Riku's book.
he wants to tell Roxas that he didn't want it to happen--it's the truth, yes... but does Roxas really care about his feelings on this? probably not. the blond wants the truth, not "I did this... I feel bad about it, but I still did it." there's no point to it otherwise. ]
If we didn't do that, the Organization would've found you and destroyed you. We couldn't let that happen.
[ I couldn't let that happen. ]
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And yet, he had been stopped.
In hindsight, it's probably a good thing that he had been. If he couldn't defeat Riku in the form that the other had taken, how would he have defeated Xemnas in order to get to Kingdom Hearts? Because he knows the Superior would have been there, guarding the thing he's been trying to achieve for who knows how long. And if he'd been destroyed, then he would have really ceased to exist. ]
Even if that were true, my memories didn't need to be taken away like that.
[ He might have most of them back now, but he still resents the fact that the person he is had been locked away. The truth had been hidden from him and in the end, he'd been forced to accept something he hadn't understood at the time. There's understanding now but that bitter resentment remains, despite having heard that apology from DiZ.
Roxas can never forget nor forget so easily with just a few words. ]
Did you even... think about it? At all?
[ pause ] Or was it all easy for you, not even considering how I-
[ how I'd feel.
He couldn't finish that sentence, wondering if Riku would just scoff at the idea of a Nobody even feeling like DiZ always did. ]
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[ which hurts to say. there's a lump forming in his throat and immediately his shoulders tense and he takes a step back like he wants to leave immediately and not look back, or like he's waiting for Roxas to strike. ]
It wasn't easy. I wanted it to be easier for you. [ Riku's surprised by the speed of his words--like he wants to say them all before his throat closes with pain. ] I wanted to give you a beach, you deserved that much. You deserved a lot more. I didn't want DiZ to talk to you, I was hoping you'd be able to talk to Naminé instead, so she could tell you everything--
[ because maybe Naminé could help, somewhat... once he can't say any more, though, Riku freezes. he's not good with emotions. he's become too socially awkward and isolated to really be able to express himself, and his shoulders tense again. ]
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He isn't sure if it's because of Sora or maybe it's his own feelings, but Roxas didn't want the other to continue to feel this way.
An underlining guilt in his words and just knowing that he wanted to do all of these things for him but couldn't. Could only do what he thought was right despite the wrong he felt about it. And it's because of that, Roxas can't help but feel guilty for his own misplaced resentment. He hadn't known though, so that's why he had to ask, to know the truth about things. And he's glad for it since it's one less question that he has to find an answer for.
A warmth spreads in his chest, a nudge of encouragement from Sora perhaps, or maybe it's just finally understanding something that's been lost to him all this time. ]
I wish... I could have talked to her, too. More than I got to.
[ He places a hand over his chest, voice no longer holding any resentment or anger or hurt. Just a fine understanding and acceptance that regardless of all things, Riku did what he did for his best friend and for the worlds. Despite the loss of being able to live his own life, he can't fault Riku for his actions and reasons anymore.
It's going to be hard to let go but. He will. Not only for his own peace of mind, but for Riku as well. ]
But I- just-
[ pause ] ... Thank you.
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Riku's not sure what to do--it's obvious that Roxas has completely floored him by what he says. especially since he knows his eyes were starting to sting. ]
You're... thanking me...?
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Yeah, I guess I am.
[ He's not the best with words, never was and never will be. Even so, there's a lot underneath what he's said, messages that he can't get out despite trying to.
"It's fine." "You did what you had to." "I'm sorry." "You protected me as best you could."
It could go on. So really, saying 'thank you' says it best. It sums everything up nicely, Roxas figures. ]
I can't say that I'm not angry anymore about what happened but. It's not at you. And maybe, it never really was.
[ A wry smile. ] You just happened to be there.
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really...? was this really happening?
Roxas should be angry-- but it's not at him? he's still in shock over this, but manages to stammer, even with Roxas' wry smile: ]
I--...
[ then, finally, he snaps out of it. he steels himself and walks over, shoulders tense with determination and purpose. once he's near enough to Roxas, though, he drops down on one knee. ]
Thanks. For your thanks.
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And now he doesn't know what to say. ]
Riku..
[ He hesitates, unsure if he should even get any closer to the other, unsure if he's even allowed to touch. He's not even sure where the urge to comes from but he has an inkling that it's from his Other who is so affectionate with his own gestures and words. Something he'll never have.
A hand reaches out slowly before it's lightly placed on Riku's shoulder.
And before he even realizes, a small smile appears on his face. ]
Don't mention it.
[ It's okay now, really. ]
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... there are few people who can get Riku to smile and mean it--this is one of those times, and it overfloods with relief. ]
If... you say so.
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It's nice.
There are some things that he'll always remember about, still have those feelings of hatred, but they're harbored for someone else now. Someone who knows deserves to be on the receiving end of it, despite the brief apology he'd heard. His life had been taken away, identity stripped from him, and the fault lies with only one person and that person isn't Riku. Because he understands now, the reasons why, the motivations.
A slight bitterness but he knows that either way, Sora will always be the special one. ]
I do. So don't go hanging your head over it.
[ Roxas puts up a smile, a hint of amusement in the sincerity of it. ]
And just... keep an eye on him.
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I've always been keeping an eye on him. Ever since we were little.
Don't worry. If anything bad happens, I'll always shove him back on the right track.
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[ He knows that Riku will, considering what the other had to do to wake Sora up. The risks he took and the all the things he sacrificed just so that things went accordingly. It's all something he can't say the same for himself, if he were honest.
I envy you, Sora.
But it's okay.
It's okay.
The smile didn't fade from Roxas' face, just acceptance added on. Accepting of the truths that he's been told. ]
Thanks.. again.
[ And with that, he steps back, eyes closing as he returns to that scape within Sora's heart. ]
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[ he murmurs as he disappears, almost reaching a hand out to touch his shoulder.
hm.
this gives him new resolve--which he's really happy for. there's still so much to do and so many people to save... he's willing to save Roxas, because he knows Sora will want to. but knowing Roxas' feelings on this matter... this makes things easier. He doesn't feel like he needs to be hated anymore. ]
You look sharp, too.