bakerstreet | texts from last night, bitches.

[ Seven hells, again with this? Does she know he has work in the morning, and also work throughout the day, and long into the night, and whenever he's not asleep and sometimes while he is? Don't distract him with mistexts. Brienne, you are actively preventing him from ~~shitting~~ making money. ]

Death wish? Suicidal?

[ Thirty seconds on: ]

That was a foul analogy. Evocative, but foul. [ He doesn't want to know who. ]

[ Oh sweet, merciful gods no, not again. She should just delete that damn number because apparently having it in her phone invites disaster at every turn.

She didn't have a death wish before, but she kind of does now. Thank you for making the world a worse place to live in, Tywin. What would we do without you? ]

I'm not very good with words, it was the best I could think of.

[ He might not want to know who she's talking about, but come on, he knows. ]

Edited 2013-08-03 23:41 (UTC)

[ That's right, he exists to make the world worse and to take the good, likable people out of it.

And she's getting very likable, isn't she? ]

Judging from our recent communication, you're not very good with phones either.

[ No. He doesn't know. He is loathe to admit that he knows, or even suspects. It wasn't a flattering analogy, as they've established, and he'd like to hope she would have something flattering to say if they were thinking of the same person. ]

[ Oh no, nothing to like here Tywin, feel free to keep ignoring her.

Granted that is probably not the easiest thing to do when she keeps accidentally texting him. ]

I'm really, really not.

[ If they are thinking about the same person Tywin ought to be used to the unflattering opinions by now. ]

[ Now, be honest: has anyone ever fully ignored her? She's an uncommon woman. ]

Is that an apology of sorts?

[ A fine point, but in case she hasn't noticed, Tywin holds that same person to higher and more excruciating standards than popular opinion dictates. ]

[ That's a fair point, but she likes to pretend that people can't see her because that would make life so much easier sometimes. ]

I suppose so, yes. I really am very sorry.

[ Tywin should go a little easier on the watermelon oreo. ]

As am I. When I make a simple request, and someone doesn't do as I ask, the gravity of my requests is diminished. It's very much like threatening someone to no avail: the threat is no longer something to be taken seriously. If this happens again, I'll be forced to go along with it. And the only conversation less pleasant for you than this one, I suspect, would be that one. You and I, chatting amiably.

[ Are they really gonna do this? If the watermelon oreo has a problem with the way he's treated, the watermelon oreo can discuss it with the... watermelon oreo packet himself. ]

[ So Tywin writes text message essays. The more you know.... ]

Point taken.

[ It's a very intimidating packet, and the watermelon oreo is just a cookie! A cookie who is trying really hard to live up to the marketing. ]

[ Well, he's firmly in the age group for text message essays. At least, so far, he's shown that he knows where he's sending them. ]

Not entirely your fault, I recognize. Technology can be problematic.

[ The packet knows when the watermelon oreo is capable of trying even harder. Soon enough the watermelon oreo won't have a packet at all, and the packet is deeply concerned about what will then become of all the cookies. It's the packet's first responsibility to offer plenty of serving suggestions so that none of the cookies are wasted. ]

[ Touche. ]

I should probably just stick to calling people.

[ Maybe the packet should stop worrying so much about the serving and consider whether or not the person eating the cookie actually cares about who the cookie is inside. This isn't just about the continuation of a brand name, the cookie has its own unique identity and flavor that separates it from other cookies, and the watermelon oreo should get recognition and appreciation for that. ]

You'd actually call someone about this? You'd spew that analogy verbally? It'd sound even more ridiculous out loud than it does written down.

[ Over-diversification has killed lesser batches of cookies. The brand is ultimately more important than the cookies themselves, and the packet is not simply saying that because the packet is currently the authority on branding. The watermelon oreo knows better than to expect appreciation for its unique flavor; it cannot help being unique, since that is the natural state of a cookie, and a natural state is not deserving of praise. The watermelon oreo can help whether it lives up to the previously-mentioned marketing, and thereby strengthens the brand. The cookies are rarely asked to do anything that the packet would not do, or has not done. ]

I might phrase it differently.

[ If the packet is so opposed to diversity it must be thrilled that the cookies in the current batch seem to be so commited to the brand that no other flavors have been allowed to mix with the watermelon oreo.

Oh yeah, going there. ]

Mhm. When I was your age, I didn't talk about my eating habits.

[ Unfortunately, some cookies — not oreos, keep in mind that this is purely hypothetical — bake stuck together, and when it comes to separating them afterwards, there's a risk of breaking one or the other. Thrilled would not be the word for it, but what is the packet — what is he to believe about her motivations in all of this? She seems awfully concerned about the watermelon oreo's past and future mixings. He's not sure he can credit her with the requisite impartiality to counsel him on the matter. ]

[ This is starting to feel weirdly like having a conversation with her father. Or maybe a stern uncle. ]

You mean that literally or metaphorically?

[ First off the packet has never been impartial when it comes to the watermelon oreo, and furthermore Brienne's only opinion on the watermelon oreo's mixings is that there were some truly unfortunate choices made when the recipe was developed. She would however never claim to have any suggestions on what ingredients should be added to create a better mix, since unlike the packet she doesn't try to dictate such things or come with serving suggestions. Her interest is purely that of a person who wishes for the watermelon cookie to be the best possible cookie that it can be, so there. Nothing more going on there, nope. ]

[ Under no circumstances is Brienne allowed to perceive that he's being tolerantly stern. There's nothing the least bit paternal about this. Of course, he hides it well, but he does have a soft spot in his vacant heart-crevice for other people's warrior daughters. His own daughter is, and always was, a warrior in her own way. A lioness through and through. ]

I think you know perfectly well which, but we'll say both.

[ That's more than enough about baked goods for now. No one over here is learning anything. ]

[ She would never dream of thinking about Tywin as tolerant. ]

It's kind of a new thing for me.

[ These two should clearly stay away from metaphor. ~~Eventhough it produces glorious results~~. ]

I usually keep things to myself.

[ A prudent course of action, but surely some proof exists that Tywin can be tolerant? Let's see, maybe someone over at House Reyne can vouch for him being a decent guy. Oh, they're all...? Well, one time he generously helped to plan a wedding — fuck never mind. ]

My perception of what's usual for you may be somewhat skewed.

[ Not to strike that back up again, but he'd never take baking tips from someone who doesn't have cookies of their own. That's it now, really. Goodbye metaphor. ]

I can't imagine who or what compelled you to try the "new thing."

Trust me sir, it definitely is.

[ It would be funny if it wasn't so distressing. ]

I started making friends.

[ Ugh, you had to have the last metaphorical word, didn't you? ]

[ They really ought to meet, face to face, and have a normal interaction like normal people to smooth out any misunderstandings. ]

Not an easy thing for you, I take it.

[ See how that's not a question. The context and her inclusion of the word "started" made it sound like a very recent development. ]

[ Agreed, texting is doing Brienne no favors it would seem. ]

Not exactly.

[ Ahaha, understatement of the century. It's so wonderful to live in a delightfully sexist society who will never give you credit for the things you can do because they're not what you are supposed to do, and who insist on placing most of your worth as a person in how well you live up to the socially agreed upon standards for physical beauty. ]

Do I know your friends? Jaime aside.

[ It's no consolation to Brienne, but Tywin has never met a single woman whose beauty or willingness to conform to the expectations of her sex granted her true worth in the eyes of men. Beauty garners admiration, often unwanted admiration, but without respect that admiration is worse than nothing. Women are judged by their looks and then harassed for them, one way or another.

He's aware of this and it bothers him, or at least it used to when it was uncomfortably relevant. Long story, main characters deceased. ]

I don't think so

[ Mostly because she kind of doesn't have any other friends than Jaime. Not really. ]

texts from last night, bitches.

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yoooooou <3

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/hysterical laughter

/giggling like an idiot

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