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Semi-Meme ([personal profile] semimeme) wrote in [community profile] bakerstreet2013-06-05 11:08 am

The Shipping Meme

The Secret Sudden Surprise Shipping Meme
Say that three times fast.


Let's face it, some of us in the RP world are shippers. Heck, you might not even be big on shipping, but you might be suddenly struck by an awesome dynamic! Sometimes... well, sometimes, we're struck by secret ships -- ones you'll never admit because of one reason or another! Or a sudden ships. Who cares if they've only got one thread going, it's already clear they're going to be cute! Or the ever popular surprise ship! Woah, you didn't see that one coming, but now you're shipping hard ball and it's like a whirlwind romance in a black and white backdrop. And the kicker? It's not always any of your characters!

What is this meme, you may ask? I shall gladly explain it to you!

This is an anonymous, OOC meme, where players anonymously admit their secret/surprise/sudden/anythingelse ships!! Ships certainly do not have to include their own characters, because stalking your friends or people you don't even know is half the fun! Or, they totally can!

What you do:
Comment to the post with your handle in the subject line! If you're on the down-low with a character, feel free to leave it vague/make something up!
In the body of your post, list your games (if in any) and your characters! Again, if you're on the DL, just use the one character or make a sock or... whatever you wanna do!
Anonymously, others will reply to you with their secrets, ships, confessions, etc! Keep it anonymous, guys!! Half the fun of this is making whoever you respond to crazy with curiosity and getting stuff off your chest! But keep it honest :)
Additionally, participate in the games and canons threads!
Have fun and be excellent to each other.

Taken from earlier postings.
number1classidol: ☆ LOOK OUT! THE FORMERLY TOMBOYISH & NOW SUDDENLY-BEAUTIFUL CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND APPEARS! ☆ (MI! KA!! DOOOOO!!! ♥♥♥)

...OR DO YOU CHOOSE TO SEE HOW DEEP THE RABBIT HOLE GOES? (TURN TO PAGE #34 X'D)

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-10-21 04:04 am (UTC)(link)
[Taking her hand like that is unexpected, but though she's a little startled, Masami recovers quickly. Making another joke right now, when he's this serious, is probably a bad idea, but...somehow she just can't resist. And well...maybe it's not completely a joke, since it's closer to how she really feels than a lot of what she's said lately.

Instead of trying to pull away, she just smiles slyly and steps in closer.]


...What would you do if I DID feel that way, Mikado?

[By now her smile has gone outright seductive as she cuddles up close to his side HELLO AGAIN, BOOBS and lightly rests her free hand on his shoulder.]

Would you say that we should meet somewhere later tonight and pretend to be strangers? ♥
worldwithoutcolor: everything you meant and still mean to him ($ He doesn't forget)

RED PILL

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-10-21 11:15 am (UTC)(link)
[There's a detectable twitch in his shoulders as he reflexively starts to pull back -- but he catches himself, barely. If he gives her an inch on this, she'll probably run with it for a mile.

So while he does tense for an instant, nothing else about him changes.]
If that was really how you felt, then I'd want to do something about it -- so that you didn't.

But... I don't think what you're saying would work, either. [He doesn't exactly look away this time as much as he just breaks eye contact, his gaze falling somewhere around her shoulder -- and there is the lightest of color high on his face, but it's pretty tame, and doesn't really take away from his serious air.]

I don't know about you, but... I'm pretty sure I couldn't just walk away from you the next day.

[That could probably be taken in a couple of ways, but the way he means it the most is what he figures is the most obvious: You're more to me than that.]
Edited 2013-10-21 11:17 (UTC)
number1classidol: ☆ DOUBT & UNCERTAINTY! THE FUTURE IS GOLDEN ONCE AGAIN! ☆ (A Girl's Fight to Know Her Heart!)

ALL I'M OFFERING IS THE TRUTH, NOTHING MORE

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-10-21 12:06 pm (UTC)(link)
[That hand resting on his shoulder slips upwards until she can absently run a finger along the collar of his shirt, brushing his neck a bit every so often. Her fingers still when she feels that twitch and the way he tenses though, but she doesn't move away either.

She hears that unspoken statement in his words, and it makes her feel oddly bold--even more so than usual--and yet a little humbled at the same time. It's a snap decision, and probably a terrible one, but she's not going to back off this time; bad idea or not, she'll go along with whatever Mikado decides here. She'll let him take the lead for once.]


Then what sort of something would you do about it?

[It's said a little more quietly than usual, and a lot more seriously. This is as close to "honest" as she's been about this, ever, and she's tired of lying about it, even if she really should keep doing it, if only for Mikado's sake. But then again, perhaps she doesn't know 100% how Mikado feels about this (about her), because he didn't act disgusted or weirded out or anything at the idea of spending a night with her, even if he did sidestep the offer a little.]
worldwithoutcolor: you know, that one about never trusting the quiet ones? yeah. ($ He proves the saying)

...I CAN'T GO BACK CAN I

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-10-21 04:37 pm (UTC)(link)
[He does look straight at her this time, a little surprised -- at the question, but also at her demeanor, which he's noticed is more serious than he generally sees her. The weight of both doesn't go over his head; neither does the fact that she is asking him this, and what appears to be seriously so.

That alone -- that she may truly want his input on this -- starts sliding a few things into place.]


I guess... it would depend on what you needed.

[He realizes how vague that sounds, and immediately decides that it's not enough. He can't push for her honesty if he won't give the same, after all.

The only issue with that logic is that he has to drag up some things he hasn't let himself think about all that much. Without complaint, Mikado already resigned himself to the fact that they're friends. It would be a lie to say something more hasn't crossed his mind, but he's never even thought about starting to act on it. Part of it has been guilt, a low-lying fear that he sees Kida more as a girl than as herself, and that's not fair to her. That aside, he really is honestly happy as they are, and she's never shown any genuine signs of being interested, either males can be so dumb -- not that he would blame her, considering the kinds of guys she could get in comparison.

But of all those guys, her interest always seems passing at best. Paired with what she said a minute ago, that points to something being wrong, and if Mikado has to risk a little embarrassment to try and figure out why... well, that's okay. She's worth it -- and they've bounced back from worse.

He glances away yet again, but the look is a thoughtful one.]


...And if you needed me to be there for you in a way I haven't yet -- then I'd do it.

[He's half-expecting to get laughed at, to be honest, or teased, and if he is, he won't hold it against her or be all that hurt by it. It would just answer a few things.]
number1classidol: ☆ DOUBT & UNCERTAINTY! THE FUTURE IS GOLDEN ONCE AGAIN! ☆ (A Girl's Fight to Know Her Heart!)

NO. BUT IF YOU COULD, WOULD YOU REALLY WANT TO?

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-10-21 05:59 pm (UTC)(link)
[There's no laughter or teasing, though; for a few long seconds, she doesn't even move or respond at all.

What she needs.

She already has what she needs from him, which is his friendship. It's what she wants--or at least what a very stubborn and vocal part of her has decided that she might want--that's giving her problems.

So after another moment's pause, she steps back and away, trying to pull her hand out of his grasp in the process, her serious expression not changing in the least.]


You've already given me all that I need-- [if she stresses that last word, it's only very slightly] --and more than I could've asked for.

[Asking for anything more wouldn't be fair of her. And speaking of fair, she should turn the question around on him, shouldn't she.]

What about...what you need?

[It's not really a proposition, but it could very well be taken that way. And if it is...then that's fine, isn't it.]
worldwithoutcolor: not everyone loves cliches ($ He suffers a blow to faith)

NOPE /combo breaker XD

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-10-21 07:20 pm (UTC)(link)
That doesn't mean you're happy.

[He's not sure if her word choice is as intentional as it sounds, but he catches every bit of it all the same. After all, Mikado's more than a little familiar with having everything he needs and not being satisfied with it.

He's never claimed that it's a good way to be and he probably never will -- but if it helps him understand her better right now, he doesn't regret his nature one bit.

So he lets her go, although it'll be her hand that pulls out of his; his hold won't ease up, not all the way, before then.

Even now, his expression's the same -- even when he can't quite tell which part of what he said made her back away, or why. That makes him hesitate, but he's gone too far into it to quit now.]


I need to know that I'm not going to screw up again. Masami...

[His eyes narrow for a heartbeat, not quite a wince.] I'm not ever going to walk away. I almost lost you once; I'm not taking the same risk anymore.

[...That's... a bit heavy, though, so he breaks it up a little by adding,]

So... I know there's nothing you could ever say to make me do it, either. I want you to know that.
number1classidol: ☆ HINTS OF A DARK PAST IN MIDDLE SCHOOL! THE TSUN TO DERE RATIO IS OFF THE CHARTS!☆ (Sullenly facing an inward struggle!)

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-10-26 12:27 am (UTC)(link)
…Nothing I can say, huh…

[There's sardonic amusement tinting her words, almost as if she's heard a challenge and she's accepting it. The amusement fades almost instantly though, smoothing out into a closed sort of expressionlessness as her mind delves into the past and her eyes focus unseeing on a point on the ground between their feet.]

It's not so much that I'm afraid you'll walk away. It's more that I'm afraid you won't be able to if you should.

[There's a fraction of a second's hesitance before she finally makes up her mind to tell him Everything. The whole, ugly, awful truth about herself, about What Really Happened on the worst night of her life, before he came to Ikebukuro, and what an awful, terrible coward she is. Not because Mikado deserved to know or anything of the sort, but because he'd all but asked, and she was tired of hiding it, and maybe wanted to see if she could prove him wrong. He'd said nothing that you can say…well, they'd just see about that, wouldn't they. And if it turned out that it was too much for him, that he was disgusted by her, and he left her...that was what she really deserved anyway.]

The last--and only--guy I was really, seriously with…Blue Square kidnapped him. They broke both his legs and—

[Her voice suddenly catches and she stops, pressing her lips together tightly before continuing, either unwilling or unable to say more about what had happened to Aki.]

That was over a year ago. He's still in the hospital. And I…let it happen. I thought I could do anything for him, that I l- [Another hitch, on another admission she's never really made to anyone.] But I…couldn't save him. No…I couldn't make myself save him. He was the most important person in the world to me and he was in danger and I couldn't even move! Because I was afraid! Because I was too much of a coward to save the first guy who'd ever really treated me like a girl, the first guy I ever—

[This time she cuts herself off intentionally, because there are a lot of firsts she shared with Mikajima Akihiko, and best friend or not, Mikado doesn't need to know all of that.]

…After letting something like that happen to the person that I l- [Gritting her teeth, she forces it out this time, saying it aloud for the first time ever.] That I loved. After abandoning the person that I loved like that, I don't think I really deserve to be happy. I—

[She bites back the name she'd been about to say, because she hates saying his name, and doesn't want to say that he's right, even if she's proving that he is this very moment.]

I can't get away from any of that…ever. Just blocking out the loneliness and guilt is all I can allow myself, and the most I can hope for.
worldwithoutcolor: threatening to leave him behind ($ He watches the world)

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-10-26 11:47 am (UTC)(link)
[Maybe it's obvious, maybe it's not, but as Masami explains, nothing quite as clear-cut as surprise comes into Mikado's expression.

Other things do -- he looks concerned, uneasy, uncertain -- but not full surprise. He really just looks more grim than anything else, and that's because a good deal of her account, the basics, are already familiar. Just the vague version, way back when, was enough to horrify him at the time; when recent revelations allowed him to put more of the puzzle together, he was stunned again.

Hearing it like this, though -- the most detailed, from the source, from her -- makes it even harder to swallow than it was the first time.

And then there's the fact that he's never seen her like this, nothing even close -- and the realization that she's been carrying this for so long, not having even started to get over it, from the sound of it...

That right there is the worst detail of the story.]


Masami...

[His voice is quiet, but not without certainty to it -- an almost desperate kind, even if he's not quite sure what to say. Well, he knows what he needs to say, he's just... not sure how.]

Don't... don't do that to yourself. Something like that -- you're not to blame. They're the ones who...

[Who did something that terrible. Who are doubly so for not only hurting someone directly, but leaving another with this kind of crushing guilt --and for what?]
number1classidol: ☆ THE TOMBOY EMPRESS OF THE YELLOW SCARVES IS BACK IN ACTION! ☆ (An Icy Glare That Freezes All Enemies!)

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-10-26 03:07 pm (UTC)(link)
[Her answer comes hard and fast, a little angry, though that anger is for herself, not Mikado.]

I am to blame! I thought it was just a game, just a bunch of middle school kids screwing around, but I had started a war! I was the Yellow Scarf General, and I pushed Blue Square back so hard, I forced them into a corner! And to do that, I let my guard down and trusted someone I never should have trusted. It was my choice to act on that information--my lack of strength that put Aki in the hospital. How long was I just standing there before Kadota-san rescued him? Ten minutes? Fifteen? More? He might've gotten away with only one broken leg if I'd had any sort of guts at all!

[She ducks her head sharply, hiding her face completely, her fists gradually clenching into tightly white-knuckled balls at her sides, her words gaining force and heat the longer she speaks.]

I hadn't even gone to see him until a few months ago. I couldn't. I went there so many times, but I couldn't make myself go talk to him. Kadota-san had told him that I got stopped by some Blue Square thugs and that's why I didn't come save him. I didn't ask him to do that for me! I didn't want that sort of kindness! Am I supposed to lie to Aki for the rest of my life, and stay with him to make up for it? Or tell him the truth, that I didn't care enough about him to risk my life for his, and break up with him for good? Either way...!

[She stops herself, reining in her emotions, speaking more calmly, though her hands are still clenched at her sides, and her palms feel wet, though with sweat or blood she doesn't know. And at the moment she can't make herself uncurl them to find out.]

...Either way, I'm guilty. And there's nothing I can ever do to fully make up for it.

[She can run from it, and never stop running, or face it. She hasn't quite been doing either, mostly just sidestepping it and refusing to choose a direction until now. But it's safe to say that by telling Mikado this, she's decided to face it, at least partially.

She hadn't thought she'd ever be brave enough to do that. Mikado's presence calmed her, made her forget about her troubles and remember older and simpler and happier times instead, so not-choosing was easy when he was around. But Mikado's challenge, inadvertent as it had been, had made her angry and disgusted at herself enough to finally be honest with someone else, to finally choke up a measure of the black bile that had been poisoning her from the inside for well over a year now.

And she might've been able to run when only she (and Izaya) knew about everything; but now that Mikado knows, her best friend who had (at least at one point) thought the world of her, she'll hate herself even more if she runs. Because he'll know, and he'll despise her for it, at least subconsciously, even if he says he won't.

Which means...she needs to go face Aki. To tell him what happened, and that they're officially breaking up for good. Or maybe breaking up like that is running, too. Maybe...maybe facing it is staying with him and dealing with the guilt every time she sees him. Maybe she loves him still, and has been too afraid to let herself know it.

...But then, what about her feelings for Mikado...]


...Still. I think I'll go see him. I pretty much have to now, don't I.
worldwithoutcolor: while wanting more ($ He lives the everyday)

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-10-26 03:46 pm (UTC)(link)
[Mikado listens. He does so without interrupting, without even thinking ahead, for once, to what he'll say when she's done. He just takes it all in, everything, and then there's a pause afterwards as he finally begins sifting through it all. He can't rush this.

Even so, his silence isn't that long -- the silence of the city, rather, background noises of blurred chatter and cars and other ignored things. While there's still concern and sadness in his voice when Mikado speaks, it's steady. Calm.]


I don't know if you want my advice... but after what you said, I'd say you should go see him. I'm pretty sure nothing he says could be worse than what you're already assuming.

[A shorter pause, and then he steps forward, reaching down to take each of her clenched fists gently in his fingers. He doesn't try to ease them loose or anything; he just holds them, more so willing away that tension than forcing it.]

But... if he's honest, and he loves you as much as you made it sound... I think I already have an idea of what he'll say.

[His eyes narrow into a harder look, but it doesn't touch his tone; his words are for her, not his expression.]

Whatever Blue Square was trying to get from you... I doubt they would've played fair even if you had shown up. If they did that to one person, they would've done it to two. Maybe something worse.

[His grip tightens, but still gently, and he doesn't give her time to object.]

And I think that if you'd been hurt, too -- even if your conscience was a little clearer because of it... he'd probably feel a lot like you do now. And... I can tell you wouldn't wish that on anyone. Especially him.
number1classidol: ☆ DOUBT & UNCERTAINTY! THE FUTURE IS GOLDEN ONCE AGAIN! ☆ (A Girl's Fight to Know Her Heart!)

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-10-28 07:54 am (UTC)(link)
[Masami doesn't pull away from his touch, but only a fraction of the tension in her fists eases away. She listens to what Mikado says, but most of his advice just slips past unheeded. She knows what probably would've happened if she'd followed through on rescuing Aki. She knows. But even the worst things she can imagine, including dying, would have been better than living with this crushing guilt.

His advice to go see Aki, though...and part of the reason for it being Aki's feelings for her...that does catch her attention.

One side of her mouth turns with the shadow of a wry smile as she stares at the middle of Mikado's chest (he'd blocked her spot on the concrete when he stepped in closer, and with this sort of proximity looking down was just awkward). This might not be the best time for this--in fact, she's almost entirely certain that it's just about the worst time--but she says it anyway.]


...You know, I told him about you the only time I visited him before--a few months back, when Anri-chan was in the hospital. After saying that he and I weren't a couple any more, I mentioned that my childhood best friend who was maybe-possibly-kind-of my first love had come to Ikebukuro. He asked me if I loved you.

[After everything else she'd admitted just now, saying this doesn't seem like quite such a big deal any more. The hardest thing is resisting the urge to pull her hands out of his.]

I told him the truth. I said yes.
worldwithoutcolor: but maybe not like he expected ($ He finds what he wanted)

100 icons and yet none seem appropriate rn

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-10-28 09:13 pm (UTC)(link)
[It's a good thing she doesn't mention that one part out loud -- that dying would have been better -- because however upset she clearly is and however much he's hurting for her right now, Mikado would be hard on her for thinking that way.

As it is, he's only glad that she's not looking at him, because even he doesn't know how he looks right now.

His grip slackens, but stays. He isn't sure what he feels, either; surprise, of course, but it's not as simple as that. It's the kind of surprise that feels more like a reminder than entirely unexpected news, like he already knew on a subconscious level -- or, rather, like he would have figured it out if given a little more time.

Even so... to say that she just liked him that way would have been surprising enough. But her word choice -- no, her feelings, there's absolutely no way she's joking about this, not now -- it's something he's come nowhere close to pinpointing. Along with the shock, it's enough to make him feel an immediate snap of guilt. A few months ago? Then that means -- that long? Longer?

And of course, hindsight is twenty-twenty -- things suddenly make much more sense now, from those he didn't quite understand to the ones he noticed but dismissed. Everything comes together almost too neatly, and Mikado wonders how he never had even a faint idea of how she feels.

If he's supposed to feel embarrassed or awkward about this, he doesn't; he doesn't have the capacity to yet. Even if he's already managed to build up some guilt, he's still primarily stunned, all of his thoughts having flitted by on a reflex that moves faster than the rest of him.

So while the pieces come together in his head, they don't quite make it to his mouth just yet -- and in the wake of that revelation, all he can finally, barely bring himself to ask is probably what matters the least.]


You... but...

How -- how long?

[How long have I been letting you down again?]
number1classidol: ☆ LOOK OUT! THE FORMERLY TOMBOYISH & NOW SUDDENLY-BEAUTIFUL CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND APPEARS! ☆ (MI! KA!! DOOOOO!!! ♥♥♥)

Yeah, I...have no fitting icon for this either. |D

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-10-29 12:33 am (UTC)(link)
[She still doesn't look up from that spot in the middle of his chest, though an exceedingly thin, but this time honest and not at all cynical smile just barely touches her mouth.]

"Kida-kun is Kida-kun." You won my heart with that line, you know? [She'd tried to say that second sentence lightly, like an almost-joke, but it comes out a lot more serious than anything.]

Even though I didn't understand what those feelings were at first, at least back then, it's obvious now. And it's still the truth.


[Short answer: Oh you know, just five or six years or so...]
Edited 2013-10-29 01:10 (UTC)
worldwithoutcolor: and his secrets closer ($ He keeps his feelings close)

WELP we'll deal

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-10-29 10:03 am (UTC)(link)
[That long. And all over that...

There's another pause as he takes that in, mulls it over. She really is serious.]


...I'm sorry. [The apology's almost automatic, but it's genuine, too, and if the sincerity in his voice isn't enough, his expression's finally settled for something solemn.] I never... I should have--

[Known. Noticed. Something. Instead, he's been an idiot and she hasn't said anything for all this time, and his ignorance has now gone and spilled over onto someone else's life, too, someone he doesn't even know but who has every right to hate him over this, if he doesn't already.

Mikado's eyes drop down to their hands.]


I'm not... I don't even know how you still could. After the way I've been -- I keep missing what matters. I'm not sure what kind of best friend that makes me.

[Let alone...]
number1classidol: ☆THIS IS KIDA MASAMI'S SHINING DEBUT! ☆ (Default)

YEP

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-10-29 01:02 pm (UTC)(link)
[Considering the way he's (kind of) holding her hands, there's not a chance that he misses her slight flinch when he says sorry. Because that whole first part of what he's saying--and hell, the second part too--that halting uncertainty...it sounds like a rejection to Masami. Not that she hadn't expected as much--he probably really did only see her as a guy unless she was doing ridiculous things that forced him to see her as a girl which is kinda what that afternoon had been about just a little. Best friend is what he terms them, and while part of her is relieved that he's not taking that away at least...well, he doesn't seem all that happy about this, or interested, does he.

So she pulls her hands away from his--not roughly, but firmly, and takes a step back, even though that means that she now has no real excuse not to look him in the eye. And so she might, for a fleeting second; then her gaze slides down and to the side, focusing on the fascinating brickwork of the building beside them.]


You accepted me and stayed with me regardless of what anyone said. And you treated me just the same as always even after you knew. How could I not?

[Her parents hadn't even loved her or cared about her that much--they'd wanted a boy, after all, and even if she was naturally boyish, she still wasn't what they wanted. Mikado was the first person in her life to basically say who you are is fine, I'll still care about you no matter what.

Her smile widens just a fraction, and she briefly glances over at him.]


You're the best best friend I could ask for. And you're not the only one who missed things, so don't feel too bad about that.

[She hadn't caught on RE: the Dollars, so they can't really play the I didn't notice game TOO much here.]
worldwithoutcolor: ($ He still has things to learn)

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-10-29 04:52 pm (UTC)(link)
[He can't help a small smile, thinking back on that old memory (because five or six years is an old memory when you're sixteen); he didn't even realize he remembered it that clearly, even if it was partly why "Kida-kun" had stuck; the honorific's really been more like a nickname, as far as he's concerned, which was why he still used it even after reaching the point where he would have used anyone else's first name.]

I didn't know it was such a big deal to you. I just... did what was right. [Even at that age, when gender's typically more divided, he wasn't about to lose his best and closest friend over something so minor and dumb.

Looking at her again, though, his smile fades again, but it's more concerned now than solemn or thoughtful. The way she's not looking straight at him for more than a second at a time, how she flinched and drew back... she really is nervous, isn't she. Not that he can blame her; it took courage to say all that, way more than Mikado has proven to have in that regard...

And that's when he realizes that they've come to the inevitable question: What now? She's not taking charge like usual, either, saying one way or another just what all this means, so...

Is she waiting on him, then? And if she is...

Well. What now?

He meant what he said before, and that's not about to change even if the circumstance have; really, all things considered, he needs to be there for her now more than ever, doesn't he. And that just brings to mind what she told him -- about his having given her everything she needs -- and like before, that phrase doesn't sit well with him.

So while his smile fades and there is something serious about his expression, it's just because he's focused. Earnest.]


I think... I should rephrase what I said earlier. [He hesitates for just a heartbeat.] I know you can get by on what you need -- and I'm glad to know I've given you that much.

[He does smile again as he says that -- and it stays this time, small and a bit uncertain as it is.]

But... I don't like settling for that. You shouldn't have to pretend that you do, either. So...

...so what I'm saying is: tell me what you really want, Masami.

[It might seem a little unfair, throwing it back to her, but he wants to be certain. He's not sure where she stands with Aki, and anything Mikado says or tries to do shouldn't add to whatever she already has going on.]
number1classidol: ☆ DOUBT & UNCERTAINTY! THE FUTURE IS GOLDEN ONCE AGAIN! ☆ (A Girl's Fight to Know Her Heart!)

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-10-29 07:38 pm (UTC)(link)
[She can't help looking up at him with slight surprise at that. Maybe it wasn't an outright rejection after all.]

I...

[Suddenly all she can think of is Aki, the one time she'd visited him, and the conversation they'd had. She'd assumed that she'd never say anything about her feelings to Mikado, ever, though she did intentionally make it sound like she was going to, to ease (or hasten) her claims of breaking up with Aki.

But Aki hadn't even batted an eye at her confession or the break up line. You'll come back, he'd said simply. That's how things are. So you can love all the other guys you want, and I won't care. In the end, you'll love me more than you love them.

No, Masami had replied. This is different. I loved him before I even knew you, so I'm afraid it's a case of 'first boy wins'~

Aki hadn't risen to the bait, hadn't gotten angry or even looked sad; he just smiled that soft, knowing, beatific smile that always left Masami feeling uncertain and a little off-balance. Maybe. Go ahead and date him, then. Even if you do, you'll still come back to me. Then you'll love me more and more than you ever loved him.

Masami had left wondering if he was right, that even if she did tell Mikado how she felt it wouldn't work out. Truthfully, that conversation had been part of the reason she'd been so hellbent on never telling him--she didn't want Mikado to be just another stepping stone leading her back to Aki. Better to leave him out of it altogether.

So much for that now.

Still, while Mikado's clearly not rejecting her, he's not not rejecting her either. He isn't exactly leaping at the chance to be with her, and there's a lot he hasn't said that's too important to leave out or gloss over.]


...I can't be the only one who gets what they want. What I want isn't all that matters here.

[Because, well...Mikado wants Anri, doesn't he? Much more than he'd ever even briefly wanted Masami. She's not about to make a decision for both of them--especially since it seems to her like he's just being a dutiful best friend. He hasn't said how he feels about Masami, or if he feels anything at all other than friendship and maybe sometimes-attraction.]

But. No matter what, your friendship is what matters to me the most. That's always been more than enough to make me happy. So...

[Despite telling herself that she's not going to choose, she basically does just that, though it's mostly her attempt to give him an easy out.]

...I'm fine with things staying as they are.
worldwithoutcolor: on a page, in the air ($ He spills his words)

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-10-30 11:20 am (UTC)(link)
[He watches her for another imperceptible beat, not giving away any thoughts that he might be having. It's a very her answer, to be sure.

Even so... he sees it for what it is: a lack of a direct answer either way. Neither is he sure just who she's thinking of more in that regard: himself, or Aki.

Neither has he forgotten about Anri in all of this, but... they're both his friends. He cares about both of them. Even if he hasn't worked himself up to asking Anri out -- even if he never does -- she's more to him than just that kind of interest now. Maybe if things had been different, if he had focused solely on her rather than having his interests become convoluted by his confusion and occasional denial about Masami, maybe then he would feel more strongly about Anri in the romantic sense. Not that he blames Masami, or even looks at it as a bad thing. It's just how things turned out.

But... as things stand, one way is as similar as the other right now, isn't it? Generally speaking.]


But if things did change -- if we tried, and they didn't... work out for some reason. [He looks away, but then at her again just as quickly.]

If that happened, but there was a way you could be absolutely sure that we'd still be the same as we've always been... would you want things to change then?
number1classidol: ☆ DOUBT & UNCERTAINTY! THE FUTURE IS GOLDEN ONCE AGAIN! ☆ (A Girl's Fight to Know Her Heart!)

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-10-30 11:51 am (UTC)(link)
[Damn that inscrutable poker face of his, but she can't get any sort of read on him, or what he's thinking. Her own expression turns a little skeptical, a little wryly matter-of-fact, because she's too realistic to accept what he'd just said as a possibility.]

That's not something that either of us can promise, or be absolutely sure of. In fact, it's the opposite: we can be absolutely certain that everything would be different, even if it was the same.

[And okay, indirect questions won't get her a real answer from him. She should've known that, since it's Mikado. She gave him a chance to say one way or the other on his own, but he didn't, so she's going to push him for a straight-up answer.]

...Mikado...you know how I feel now. How do you feel?

[Surely he can be honest about that one small thing, after she's been honest about so many terrible things.

And if he doesn't give a solid answer on this, she'll put all of this aside, her feelings and this whole part of this conversation, and continue on as they always have. Then he'll have to be the one to change that; she's already put herself on the line, and if he's not willing to do the same...then nope. She wants to be with him, but she doesn't want to be with him if he doesn't feel the same way she does. That would just be painful for both of them, and she's not willing to risk ruining their friendship over a one-sided relationship like that--not when their friendship is so full and rich and mutual.]
worldwithoutcolor: class rep, close enough ($ HE VOLUNTEERS AS TRIBUTE)

...GDI YOU ALMOST GOT THIS FROM VEN, TOO

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-10-30 09:15 pm (UTC)(link)
[He's unfazed by the way she contradicts his question, and it shows, because he doesn't react -- not until she asks what she does, and then his expression softens, and he looks uncertain.

It would be a lie to say he's in love with her; he's pretty sure he's not. Not in the way she's described her own feelings. Even so... he does love her. And he wouldn't quite define his own feelings as strictly, purely, and 100% friendly, either. It's hard to pinpoint, really, when he's put a lot of effort into telling himself that he shouldn't feel anything more than that.
In the end, he can't claim to be one way or the other -- not completely.

He rubs the back of his neck briefly. This is all about honesty, from both of them, so that's what he'll commit -- even if he can't quite look at her as he speaks.]
It's not like... I mean, I... I've... thought about it. But -- I convinced myself that it wasn't being fair to you, so... I tried to forget it. You don't -- make that very easy. [The glance he shoots her is mild, too warm to be annoyed; it's more fond exasperation.]

I never said anything because I didn't want to make it weird -- and I was worried about it changing things, too. But... [But now he knows, and that in itself is a change, will cause things to not be exactly the same as they were up to now. But that doesn't have to be in a bad way, either.]

So... if you want to know how I feel... then I feel like nothing could ever drive us apart. After everything we've been through, I just think it'd take more than-- [augh he glances aside again] --a... breakup, I guess, to really hurt us. So...

[So he needs to speak straight, doesn't he? He needs to speak for both of them on this -- plainly, not giving sidelong insinuations and half-answers, or they'll play this game of what-ifs and maybes all day and get nowhere.

His response could be the result of a few things -- her, his feelings for her, friendly or otherwise, or maybe bad habits are butting in where they shouldn't. It's all of these, truth be told, but Mikado doesn't think on the why. Just the right now, and the fear of looking back later and wondering why he didn't take this chance -- why he let his oldest and dearest friend stay at this uncertain distance, why he walked away when he knew it would work.

He might not be in love with her, but he could be. And regardless of whether he says yes or no to this possibility right now, he's sure that will be the case either way, sooner or later. Now that he knows.]


...So-- [He inhales once, a little more deeply than intended, and forces himself to look her in the eye even if it causes the first of some long-delayed color to start creeping into his face. But while he starts out hesitant, he quickly sounds more confident as he goes on.]

--I... I want to be with you. I don't think falling apart will even be a problem -- but if you think it's a risk, then... I want to take it. You're too important to me not to try.

And if something happens and it doesn't -- if we don't work out that way, then that's okay. I won't let it change anything. I already told you: I only care about who you are, not what you are. Whether we're friends or best friends or more than that, it doesn't matter. You're you.

[A beat passes, and his voice loses the edge that's almost hard with certainty.]

And that's... that's what I want.



[You.]
number1classidol: ☆ HER DEFENSES HAVE SHATTERED! WILL YOU EMBRACE HER OR PUSH HER AWAY? ☆ (A Sorrowful Heroine!)

Pfft. X'D

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-11-02 06:52 pm (UTC)(link)
[Masami almost can't believe what she's hearing, but then again, she can. He isn't saying that he loves her; he's saying that he wants to be with her. And while it's not at all the same thing, really, she'll take it; that's a good enough to place to start, and he'll probably be better off if he doesn't love her. Friends with benefits wouldn't be so bad, would it?]

...I want to be with you, too. But...I don't think I deserve to be.

[And she doesn't deserve to be. She knows that. After all, what if she freezes up again? Nevermind the fact that she faced down basically the whole Yellow Scarf Army for him and Anri. But she can't protect him all the time, and if he got hurt (or worse) because of her...

Still, she can't let herself worry about what ifs. She's already proved that if it's Mikado, she's willing to face death and even stare down the barrel of a gun for him. And while that doesn't make up for failing to save Aki, while it doesn't erase her sin or make her worthy of happiness...if this is what Mikado wants...

And yet, she hesitates, wavering right on the edge of accepting it. Not because she doesn't want to, but because she isn't certain that she should.]
worldwithoutcolor: ($ He gave it to chance)

HE JUST WANTS TO MAKE MORE FRANDS OK

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-11-04 12:58 am (UTC)(link)
[Honestly, Mikado's just as surprised to hear himself saying what he is, but only because it's still hard to believe that this is actually... a thing. Actually happening. But it's not as surprising as her remark, because it seems like the longer this conversation goes on, the better an idea he has of just how badly all of this is tearing her up inside.

Doesn't deserve to...?

Mikado frowns, the look as hard as it is concerned -- it's hard because he's concerned. Masami really is about to let this one mistake rule her life, isn't she?

Not if he can help it.

He second guesses himself for only an instant -- and then he steps forward to close some of the distance between them again, hands settling gently on the tops of her bare arms, just under her shoulders. She already backed away from his touch once before, and if she does so again, he won't press the matter; but there's no room for being anything but honest and earnest here.]


No one can tell you what you do or don't deserve. If that's how the world worked, no one would be allowed to be happy. [Including him, if that's the kind of punishment mistakes incur.]

I'm not saying you should just try and forget about what happened, but... [His grip tightens in an easy squeeze.] But if you're allowed to say you shouldn't have what you want... then I'm allowed to say that you should.

If you're really not sure... go talk to him first. Get things straightened out. If you've waited on me this long, I can wait a little longer for an answer.

[There's no uncertainty as he looks straight at her, no uneasy discomfort or urge to avoid eye contact.] Either way... I want an answer, but I want it to be your answer. Not anyone else's, or karma's, or whatever. And whatever you tell me, I'll be okay with it. Just as long as I know that you're sure -- that you're taking charge of your own life.

That's the Kida-kun I know and want to be with -- and I know nothing can change you that much, no matter how bad it is or how hard it tries.
number1classidol: ☆ DOUBT & UNCERTAINTY! THE FUTURE IS GOLDEN ONCE AGAIN! ☆ (A Girl's Fight to Know Her Heart!)

Specifically with Masami, apparently... |D

[personal profile] number1classidol 2013-11-06 07:21 am (UTC)(link)
[She blinks a little when Mikado grasps her arms like that, but she doesn't startle or pull away. His touch is familiar enough that it's nothing earth shaking, though in this particular circumstance... Well, it took some guts to close the distance like that, and while she knows quite well that Mikado isn't a coward, he's still far from assertive when it comes to this sort of thing. Which means he is extremely serious and even more certain about what he wants.

They're standing fairly close, and judging by the way her eyes keep dropping to his mouth, it's probably pretty obvious what she's very seriously considering doing right now. Instead of giving into that particular impulse, however, her hands merely come up to grip the sides of his school jacket, keeping him close but not pulling him any closer either, and anchoring herself in the moment as well.

He's saying a lot of good things--some that she wants to hear, others that she just needs to--but that's just classic Mikado. She really has to stop underestimating how deeply he thinks things out, or it's going to get her in trouble some day. And as she listens to what he says, she comes to a decision of sorts.]


I'm sure.

[She's as sure as she can be, anyway: she's sure she wants this, and BEYOND sure that she wants him, and she's also sure that she wants to at least give this a try. She's not sure if it will work out, or what exactly to do about Aki. She'd told him they were breaking up months ago, but that guilt is still there, and it still weighs heavily on her, and she still doesn't know how to make it go away. Maybe she can't, maybe Izaya was right and she'll have to live with it for the rest of her life. But heavy as that guilt is, she does appreciate it for one reason: it will ensure that she can never, ever abandon Mikado the same way she abandoned Aki.

Her grip on Mikado's jacket tightens a little, and she returns that steady eye contact unflinchingly.]


So...if everything I just said really doesn't bother you, then...
worldwithoutcolor: not everyone loves cliches ($ He suffers a blow to faith)

SHE SEEMS LIKE A NICE PERSON

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor 2013-11-06 03:52 pm (UTC)(link)
[Mikado doesn't miss that movement of her eyes, or the implication, and it gives him pause; not just because that possibility is suddenly a thing (not a bad thing, just unexpected after all this time of relative neutrality), but because he's also unsure... if... he should do something about it, especially after talking as big as he has so far.

Because of that, he does the same and glances down at her mouth once, twice; and it takes him a moment to catch up to what she's said, and even then he blinks a couple times, momentarily puzzled.]


Of course it bothers me. It bothers me that you've had to deal with everything by yourself like this -- and that you were forced into something like that in the first place. [He frowns; if she's asking that, though...]

But... it's not like I'm going to hold it against you or anything, if that's what you're thinking. [More gently, he adds,] I said I wouldn't judge you, but if you want my opinion... then you're not a coward. You're just human.

[His eyes drop again, somewhere down near her shoulder, but it's in thought before he looks up once more.]

So... if we do this -- or even if we don't -- I just... want you to try trusting me with that kind of thing. I don't want you holding that in anymore -- and we can't be equal if you're giving your all to me and I can't do the same for you.

[He watches her for a few seconds, letting that sink in.]

Okay?
number1classid0l: ☆ CONFESSION OR CONFRONTATION? A HINT OF DESPERATION SHOWS EITHER WAY! ☆ (A soft sort of sadness!)

HE THINKS THAT ABOUT EVERYONE!

[personal profile] number1classid0l 2013-11-11 07:26 am (UTC)(link)
[As she listens to him talk, it suddenly feels like she can breathe a little easier. It's not that the guilt has lessened, not really--it's not Mikado's place to forgive her, so that isn't it; it's just lighter somehow now that she's shared it, now that she doesn't have to worry about her oldest and closest friend hating her for what she'd done (or not done, rather)...or for what she feels towards him. The fact that once again, he'd accepted her, all of her, without judgement or reservation...it's almost too much to take in.

Her throat suddenly feels tight, the backs of her eyes are burning, and while she's hardly ever given into that feeling, she knows what it means. And so, to keep Mikado from seeing her cry, she edges in a half-step and drops her head forward, resting her forehead on his shoulder. She clutches at the sides of his jacket tighter than ever, but she doesn't force an embrace on him, and while they're standing fairly close together, there's still a more than decent amount of space between them; so while there's an obvious affection between them, it could still be seen by outsiders as strictly platonic.

She has to swallow hard, twice, before she can answer him clearly, even though she only has to say one word:]


...Okay.

HOW DID YOU KNOW

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor - 2013-11-11 17:57 (UTC) - Expand

INSTINCT AND LOGIC

[personal profile] number1classidol - 2013-11-11 20:20 (UTC) - Expand

BEST INSTINCT

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor - 2013-11-11 20:36 (UTC) - Expand

THE BEST ANSWER IMO

[personal profile] worldwithoutcolor - 2013-11-11 21:39 (UTC) - Expand

OFTENTIMES, YES

[personal profile] number1classidol - 2013-11-11 22:56 (UTC) - Expand