9601: (.105)

logan | xmu | ota

[personal profile] 9601 2017-04-07 12:54 pm (UTC)(link)
1. This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son

2. Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him

3. My sheets look like a crime scene.

4. Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

5. TEXT HIM
Edited (too fucking early) 2017-04-07 12:55 (UTC)
justonetouch: (side glance)

1.

[personal profile] justonetouch 2017-04-07 01:06 pm (UTC)(link)
why does he need to prove his son is his son...?

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3 o hay it's me again

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hello friend

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fanboyascended: (Default)

Billy Kaplan | Young/New Avengers (OTA)

[personal profile] fanboyascended 2017-04-07 12:55 pm (UTC)(link)
1. I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you

2. I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes

3. In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.

4. I'll just say I told you so at your funeral

5. Or text him!
Edited 2017-04-07 12:55 (UTC)
genuinepleasure: (Bored already)

5.

[personal profile] genuinepleasure 2017-04-07 01:34 pm (UTC)(link)
At the request of your mother:

Where the hell are you?

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frederick: (102)

sol badguy | guilty gear

[personal profile] frederick 2017-04-07 01:00 pm (UTC)(link)
1. I once took a shot of lighter fluid. that's not a secret just a fucked up story.

2. EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT

3. DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!

4. you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

5. nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
missx: ☾ mine (who dat)

4

[personal profile] missx 2017-04-08 01:07 am (UTC)(link)
It was a tragedy, after all.
whatdoiputhere: (9)

Castiel | spn (seasons 1-9) | ota

[personal profile] whatdoiputhere 2017-04-07 01:06 pm (UTC)(link)
1. Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.

2. You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor.

3. My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes.

4. I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.

5. Text him!
ramblingman: (Disbelief)

3

[personal profile] ramblingman 2017-04-07 05:23 pm (UTC)(link)
I still don't care how drunk you are, Cas. Nothing makes sex in a church okay. For one thing, you don't sleep with people in your Dad's house unless you expect to get caught. You get a motel.

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lonemajin: (123)

Etna ❤ Disgaea

[personal profile] lonemajin 2017-04-07 01:12 pm (UTC)(link)
1. Please remember that your boobs are bigger than mine. When you borrow my shirts they stretch and then I'm left flapping in the breeze. Don't borrow my clothes anymore.

2. Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door

3. I'll just say I told you so at your funeral

4. It's 2017 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
grandtheftmecha: (Taking damage)

1

[personal profile] grandtheftmecha 2017-04-07 03:57 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah ngl it's really uncomfortable for me too
littlepriest: (✩ twenty-six)

detective rustin cohle | true detective | ota and misfires ✔️

[personal profile] littlepriest 2017-04-07 01:13 pm (UTC)(link)
a. I feel like I shouldn't have had to send a text that said "no I will not eat your ass"

b. I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface

c. You're never gonna guess whose blood is on my shirt

d. [ your text here ]
trashgoblin: (uhhhh)

a

[personal profile] trashgoblin 2017-04-07 02:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh my god, are you STILL flirting with your evil ex-psychiatrist?

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bridalexpress: SIGN (027)

Elphelt Valentine ❤ Guilty Gear

[personal profile] bridalexpress 2017-04-07 01:16 pm (UTC)(link)
1. So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

2. That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration!

3. *tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*

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understate: (ғɪғᴛᴇᴇn.)

eva blair | original.

[personal profile] understate 2017-04-07 01:19 pm (UTC)(link)
( one ) I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the sex or the drinking?

( two ) My weirdest encounter with a stranger may have been when they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I haven't used them.

( three ) Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.

( four ) Please tell me he didn't say 'I am the yiff lord' to the police.
livandletdie: (check your facts)

1

[personal profile] livandletdie 2017-04-07 01:28 pm (UTC)(link)
Doesn't being undead negate the need for confession? Or does this mean we're in purgatory?

Serious question. My knowledge of religion is shaky at best. To answer your question, I'd probably lead with the drinking. They do serve wine at church, after all.

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dedikated: (11 | ᴛʀʏ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴏᴠᴇ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ)

kate galloway. original.

[personal profile] dedikated 2017-04-07 01:19 pm (UTC)(link)
( one ) I'm great at coffee and mistakes.

( two ) Liver's screaming fuck you right now.

( three ) Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pictures of it?

( four ) Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender.
wishesareeternal: (✦ 08)

( one )

[personal profile] wishesareeternal 2017-04-07 03:13 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm using that as your epitaph.

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sunnymerc: (102)

soleil ☼ fire emblem fates

[personal profile] sunnymerc 2017-04-07 01:22 pm (UTC)(link)
1. I thought a girl was checking me out today. Took me like five minutes to realize it was a mannequin.

2. How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar

3. As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen

4. I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and all I did was play with your new cat instead.

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losthunter: (refuge in my garden)

Hunter | Beastly | M/M

[personal profile] losthunter 2017-04-07 01:22 pm (UTC)(link)
1. Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.

2. I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you.

3. please return my underwear, they were one of my favorite pairs XO

4. I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes.

5. Text Him
hisstory: (pic#11177062)

2

[personal profile] hisstory 2017-04-07 06:47 pm (UTC)(link)
What happened? Did you get bills?

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made_of_stars: (jyn - a bit of a smile)

jyn erso || rogue one || ota

[personal profile] made_of_stars 2017-04-07 01:24 pm (UTC)(link)
1: Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.

2: Just writing to thank you for not dying. I love you.

3: That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS

4: I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level

5: I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.

6: [bring your own text]
Edited 2017-04-07 14:28 (UTC)
facemyself: (my sweetest friend)

[personal profile] facemyself 2017-04-07 03:21 pm (UTC)(link)
I have never seen you gracefully walk into anything.

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nimbi: (crow instability)

Ororo Munroe/Storm | X-men (films) | ota

[personal profile] nimbi 2017-04-07 01:24 pm (UTC)(link)
1. In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.

2. I'll just say I told you so at your funeral

3. EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT

4. Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.

5. Text her!
prefers_magneto: (magneto take it from me)

3

[personal profile] prefers_magneto 2017-04-07 01:37 pm (UTC)(link)
My shit is never calm, in my defence, and they started it.

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wonts: (pic#11186282)

katsuki yuuri | yuri!!! on ice | ota

[personal profile] wonts 2017-04-07 01:25 pm (UTC)(link)
1 ⇀ I just horrified a large group of people. Congratulations on dating me.
2 ⇀ As I was about to go to sleep, he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
3 ⇀ My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
4 ⇀ I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex.
fivetimeworldchampion: (forgetful)

1

[personal profile] fivetimeworldchampion 2017-04-07 03:53 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.

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2 Misfire Oops

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lmfao

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*giggles madly*

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cryptoviral: (pic#11068728)

Marcus Holloway | Watch Dogs 2

[personal profile] cryptoviral 2017-04-07 01:26 pm (UTC)(link)
1. You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
2. I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
3. I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
4. It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
cypherpunk: (pic#11064545)

1

[personal profile] cypherpunk 2017-04-08 02:45 am (UTC)(link)
waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait

"I a whale" or "I'M a whale"

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crackpire: sways @ dw (Default)

Cassidy | Preacher

[personal profile] crackpire 2017-04-07 01:27 pm (UTC)(link)
1. I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
2. how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
3. I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
4. Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
kamikaze: (pic#9321399)

im.. sorry.. ?? how is he even texting

[personal profile] kamikaze 2017-04-08 02:45 am (UTC)(link)
WHAT

keysmash and autocorrect.

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go_away: (04)

tate langdon 💀 american horror story 💀 ota, misfires ✔️

[personal profile] go_away 2017-04-07 01:27 pm (UTC)(link)
a. My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes.

b. I just used my sisters science fair plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday.

c. I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.

d. [ your text here ]
Edited 2017-04-07 13:28 (UTC)
wontgraham: (pic#11015107)

B for Tate being a lil bitch

[personal profile] wontgraham 2017-04-07 02:48 pm (UTC)(link)
not your science fair plaque? don't have one?

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grossness: http://drawr.net/mocomoco10 (6)

Yuffie Kisaragi | FF7

[personal profile] grossness 2017-04-07 01:28 pm (UTC)(link)
1. No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything.

2. Come find me?
I'm in a ditch.
Unsure where.

3. If you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone, I will never speak to you again. I mean it.

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vaultkeyedup: (Default)

August | Tales from the Borderlands

[personal profile] vaultkeyedup 2017-04-07 01:29 pm (UTC)(link)
1. Why is your boyfriend texting me crying about a Disney film? What are you two doing over there?

2. I hate mixed signals, so let's be clear: I want to (1) bang you and (2) ruin your life. They're not mutually exclusive.

3. I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
onlyawarrior: (Good feelings)

Thor | MCU | ota

[personal profile] onlyawarrior 2017-04-07 01:33 pm (UTC)(link)
1. In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.

2. In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.

3. I understand you have values and that's great, all I want to do is help you forget about them briefly.

4. Text him!
lighteningcount: (Slow Unwind)

3

[personal profile] lighteningcount 2017-04-07 03:12 pm (UTC)(link)
How so?

3.

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purrrrfection: original character (☼» Misc; Was I just ditched? .......)

✨ .//. I'ziva Ganajai » Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn » m/f (ship) ota (gen)

[personal profile] purrrrfection 2017-04-07 01:35 pm (UTC)(link)
1.) i thought i was ready for the new "landslide" shot.
i was not prepared
now please send help the room is spinning and i'm pretty sure the floor is lava

2.) I'm just saying you're being selfish. You've got beautiful equipment. Why would you deny the women of the world the opportunity to admire it in centerfold form??

3.) I need you to come get me. I don't know who's yard this is and the neighbors are starting to give me strange looks. also i'm pretty sure this is not my phone. the important takeaway from this is that you should be flattered your number is one of the few things I remember. also that I need for you to pick me up.

4.) yes he was only 3'6" but he assured me he's pleased plenty of women in his forty and five years and he delivered on that promise. size has nothing to do with it. you don't know what you're missing.

5.) whoever said tying cherry knots with your tongue isn't a valid way to pick up folks at the bar is doing it wrong.

6.) Text her!

MIQO'TE MASTER RACE

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hauntedhome: (Default)

lydia deetz 🕷 beetlejuice 🕷 ota & misfires ✔️

[personal profile] hauntedhome 2017-04-07 01:40 pm (UTC)(link)
a. A police officer brought me home bc I was "loitering" in the cemetery after midnight. When ELSE are you supposed to visit cemeteries?? So needless to say, I'm grounded for life.

b. My essay about 19th century romantics is like a fuck, marry, kill over Bryon, Percy Shelley, and Mary Shelley. Except that I just wanna marry both Shelleys.

c. The ouija board arrived today. You busy tonight???

d. [ your text here ]
Edited 2017-04-07 13:45 (UTC)
wontgraham: (.o3)

a ??? !!! will is adopting more strays oh no

[personal profile] wontgraham 2017-04-07 02:54 pm (UTC)(link)
[1/2] when i gave you my phone number in case you were having problems at home, i wasn't expecting to get misfired before i even got back to my house.

[2/2] besides, i told you, i'm not that kind of police. badges tend to freak out parents though, same as anyone else.

HECK

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more like full dad mode omg

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ihavesinned: (smile)

Matt Murdock | Daredevil

[personal profile] ihavesinned 2017-04-07 01:43 pm (UTC)(link)
1) In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.

2) I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes.

3) Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.

4) I could tell you were staring at my ass. Just so you know.
losthunter: (lean into my arms)

4 could be a misfire

[personal profile] losthunter 2017-04-07 04:13 pm (UTC)(link)
You continue to amaze me.

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friendliestfire: (10)

Kanon Daiba | God Eater

[personal profile] friendliestfire 2017-04-07 01:46 pm (UTC)(link)
1. This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos

2. I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

3. Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?

4. Text her!
Edited 2017-04-07 13:48 (UTC)
midship: (lieutenant bush)

Horatio Hornblower | Hornblower Saga

[personal profile] midship 2017-04-07 01:47 pm (UTC)(link)
i] In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.

ii] I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."

iii] Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat.

iv] I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.

v] I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes

vi] [text him]
Edited 2017-04-07 13:50 (UTC)
coneyislandkilljoy: literally all subtle variations on the same expression (Default)

iii c:

[personal profile] coneyislandkilljoy 2017-04-07 02:17 pm (UTC)(link)
I know.

I heard all about it.

/clutches!! cheeks!! forever!!

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( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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b r o

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never apologize

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